Living with my Husband who is suffering from Depression or Midlife Crisis- I'm feeling so Empty

Posted , 6 users are following.

Hi I'm so desperate for help.  I know there are lots of threads on here regarding Depression, but I can't see anything similar to mine.  I'm 44 & my husband is 42, we have 2 children aged 9 & 15.  Been with him for 23 years married for 16.  4 Years ago he had a fling with another lady, for about 5 weeks, everything but Sex.  We were having issues and he wasn't happy, same old stuff e.g. kids changed me, not giving him much attention etc.  He has never cheated on me before, but we argued non stop. We brushed it under the carpet and just carried on with life.  Last year, we had house refurbished it was so stressful, as had to live in it whilst it being done.  Ran out of money and hubby had to decorate the whole house, I can't stand DIY.  Then out of the blue said he no longer wanted to live with me, but unfortunately no one could put him up, so he never went.  Then end of April this year, he said he is leaving me and moving in with his mum.  May 7th he left me, I was broken.  Then a few days later he bumped into this other woman again and they started a proper realtionship, full on.  She has no kids, lives with her uncle and drinks quite a lot.  She is 10 years younger than me, then I found out she was someone I knew, she was one of my Sister In Law's closest friend.  Felt sick.  Anyway started to accept he had left me and getting on with my life, money was always an issue, but he didn't leave me without.  He wouldn't sit down with me and sort the money out, just said carry on as we always had, joint account.  3 months down the line, he wasn't happy with his new life, he felt guilty all the time.  His new GF, so I believe, fell in love with him.  Not sure how he felt about her, he liked her a hell of a lot and kept saying she's a lovely person.  I never bad mouthed her or anything.  He moved back home on August 14th, not through my choice.  His mum had chucked him out, he'd ended it with his GF as he wasn't happy and I didn't have a choice.  So we are now 3 months down the line and 3 weeks ago he tells me he doesn't know what he wants anymore.  He's not happy with anything at all, I now feel like I'm living with a corpse.  I believe he is suffering from Depression and I just need to let him get on with it.  I've been told I need to concentrate on my own needs, it's all about me and the kids, but the SILENCE IS DEAFENING.  He's gone to the Dr's to go onto Antidepressants and has an appt next week to allow them to work and talk through what he needs to do.  I'm unsure what to do, as I want to save our marriage, but this is all beyond my control.  I'm chatting to the wall and it's worse than arguing.  As it's like I'm invisible, he doesn't show any emotion at all.  I'm hoping he's going to go for councilling, but at present he doesn't want to.  He's falling deeper and deeper into this black hole and I'm losing him.  I love him so so so much and can't stand that he's doing it all to me again.  Even though I believe depression has taken hold.  Any advice would be appreciated.

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7 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi,

    Well, he's certainly lucky to have you.

    Not many relationships would survive this but if you really want to continue with it I think there will be a long road ahead.

    He is in a mess. You want to help but don't know how.

    Most of the fault, if fault is the right word, is down to him, he probably knows this but cannot think it out.

    But that doesn't matter because you are putting up with his coming and going. Therefore he doesn't have to decide what's best.

    You need him to seek help, with medication, and councilling. If he won't, then tell him to get out. You have enough on your plate .

    Mike.

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    • Posted

      Unfortunately I don't want to be the one to tell him to leave, as I don't actually want him too, until he has sorted his head out.  He needs help, but at the end of the day I won't live like this forever.  I do have a breaking point and I'm very close to it.  But he is aware that once he goes this will be it, no coming back.  Can't handle much more.  Thanks for your wise words x

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  • Posted

    I could be totally wrong Deborah, but I think he is using you.  He has nowhere else to go and he is depressed because it isn't where he wants to be. 

    You need to put yourself first and not let him drag you down.  I understand that you love him, but do you really think he loves you?

    I am so sorry, I wish I could say something positive, but I think you know the truth yourself, you just need to accept it.

    I will keep you in my thoughts and I wish you the very best.

    Pat.

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  • Posted

    Hi the others have said what I am thinking!  He is using you and you are letting him.  You need to take back some of your power and control in the relationship.  He isn't just depressed he is very selfish and isn't concerned about you at all. 

    What exactly do you love about him?  The fact he had an affair?  The fact that he decided to move back in with you (was that his decision or yours?).  The fact he obviously doesn't care about you?  If he did he wouldn't behave like this - depression or no depression.   You deserve better than this.   You are colluding with him so he can use you.  Do you enjoy being used?  Start making decisions instead of letting him make them all.  x

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    • Posted

      Hi. I love him because he's a good man. At the end of the day he's my husband and there is a lot more to him than what I put. Very troubled up bringing. But nothing excuses having a sexual relationship outside the marriage. But he supposedly left me for good in May. It was finished and then he realised his new life wasn't making him happy. Coming back was sort of forced upon me as it was either me or her. I wanted to make sure I tried to keep my marriage together and it was all good until this bloody blackness hit him. He's not happy with anything anymore and I can see its eating away at him. I know I still love him as I r ember how it was. He's not a nasty man he's just dead inside. At least I can live the rest of my life saying to our beautiful kids I tried. I just need to find the tools to help me get through this patch. I really believe as soon as he gets councilling his black cloud will clear then if he chooses to leaves he does so on my terms. Not like last time. He stays till we sell up and move out. I know u may all think I'm a mug but I have made my choice. I have nothing to give him that he can use me for. It's so bloomin hard xx

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  • Posted

    Deborah, there is a good strong possibility that you DON'T really love him... I remember going through hell and affairs my ex had yet...and he finally initiated the divorce... That was a blessing, altho at the time I kept thinking "Someday he will come back to me and the children".... Well, it was difficult, yes, but a year later you could not have given him back to me on a silver platter!! You probably don't believe that you would feel that way...but dear sweet lady, I don't see any real bright future for this marriage of yours... You ARE being used... I used to excuse my ex for everything and anything and would find everything and everyone but HIM to blame it on... I was so wrong... BUT...I never stayed bitter and I had my wonderful children, supported them on my own, and have a good life! Take the best care. (Maybe you should try what Jack advises...sounds like you could use and would appreciate the help)

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    • Posted

      Hi Betty u sound like an amazing woman. But he has had 1 affair 4 years ago. Unfortunately a woman always wants what they can't have and maybe when his brain is straight I will think actually I don't want u. But until then I need to hold on to some sort of hope. I'm lucky as I have amazing support and I'm in councilling which is helping. Thanks for your message though xxx

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