Liz again.

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i posted some earlier stuff that didn't really address the problem. 

But here goes.

i married the,love of my life. 5 years later he joined the police.

before that he had just qualified as a quantity surveyor.

it could have been the making of us as is I had also just qualified as a chartered accountant.

but. And I mean but. He initially worked away for 14 weeks.

for those 14 weeks I was sh*tting myself. Sorry. But I didn't like being in the house by myself. I was scared. And I mean really scared. Any noise made me scream. And it was lots. So.... My ex said "have a big glass of wine to help you relax". 

That was the start. That was the inevitable. Thta was the do what you want. Get p*ssed. Sleep. Anyway. I became the scared one. And he became the strong one (as in copper).OMG. That's another story. That's when the drinking started, following the "I  am a copper and therefore I am God and can do what I like" and the "you may be a finance manager but you only push paper around so you're job is sh*t". So I did start to drink.

and I drank for a long time..

but, and I mean but. It can't have been that bad at that to me because I qualified as as an accountant.

BUT. I drank.

i drank a lot

i got p*ssed.

i did ridicululous things. 

And I know, right now, that my peers, my friends, my parents, and bosses and anyone that matters, can see this but  I don't care. I have nothing to hide.

i may have been abused, physically, mentally, sexually, psychologically, but that is not me. I a,  stronger the. That. I will survive, I will "kill" the person that's did this to me,

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  • Posted

    I am sorry to hear what you have been through.

    Please tell me you are not serious about killing someone.

    Is this person worth spending the rest of your life in prison?

    I have been where you are and its not easy.

    You are full of anger and I can understand that.

    Have you thought of seeing a counsellor?

    You need to talk your feelings through.

    Anger only destroys the person who holds the anger, it doesn't affect the one who caused it.

    A friend of mine was married to a police officer and

    she went through hell.... She eventually upped and left with her children.He made her so insecure, took her confidence away. She is very happy now with a man who appreciates her and has blossomed.

    You have a career, try and concentrate on that.

    Please do not stop drinking or go cold turkey as that would be very dangerous. Cut your drinking down and seek help.

    Is your husband a controlling person?

    Are you happy in your relationship?

    You could lose your job due to alcohol, can you talk to them- your employers and as for help?

    Alcohol in the long term is a killer, your liver for a start. Its sad your husband said " have aa drink" that didn't solve the problem.

    Keep posting and if you want to PM me that's ok.

    Xxx

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  • Posted

    OK, Liz, firstly, get one thing correct in your mind. Any person who puts down another in order to make him/her feel good about themself, is NOT strong. That is an inadequate person. Anybody can be ground down by having to live with a person like that and it sounds like, from your last sentence, that he did a lot more than just put you down.

    Now, that problem is gone and all you have to do is make sure that you never let another person make you feel that way again.

    Many people feel nervous alone at night. That is nothing to be ashamed of.

    It is not a bad job to be an accountant and you have far more earning power than most police officers. Maybe that was an 'issue' for him.

    You talk in the past tense about your drinking. It is past or still a current issue?

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  • Posted

    Liz, from what you've said it sounds to me that your husband is the one with the problem. He obvious feels that career wise you're in a far better position than him. The only way to make him feel less inadequate is to find your weak spot, alcohol. Him putting you down constantly is ebbing away your self esteem and he's slowly chipping away your confidence. He wants you to have to rely on him and by drinking you've played right into his hand.

    As you yourself said you've got a good job, earn good money so how can you have a dead end job. I think your drinking in the belief that it helps  you forget about the abuse you've had to put up with.

    Put your energy into your career and don't let alcohol take that away from you. You've sussed out what he's doing to you, so be strong. Maybe you're gp could refer you for counselling as you've naturally got a lot of anger inside you. Good luck. You will get loads of support and help on this forum.

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  • Posted

    Liz

    First, i do understand where your coming from as far as the drinking is concerned as i myself let it get out of control in the past.

    Second, Im a Teacher and i teach prolific offnders and have been doing it many years, but 20 years ago I worked in Police forensic for five years and after being successful in gaining employment in the the field that i respected so much, it was very disappointing to learn the reality of Police culture. In addition, i learned, esp since then the process officers have to go through not only qualify but also to develope in the field. I knew the training officers well,including the self defence training officer who was 3rd DAN Karate/judo.

    Instead of being law enforcement as it used to be, officers are now trained to be aggressive and a greater emphasis is made on 'crime prevention' which gives them access to carry out the agression they have been now trained to use. When you speak to most people they now admit that the police is now more like an army rather than a law enforcement service. How you interpret that into your marriage im sure will be difficult. Like Linda said it might be worth the counselling to help you inegrate the police personality with your marriage if you really want it to work.

    Its also ironic to note that the police service has been long recognised to be a career linked with alcoholism.

    One thing is certain, the issue wont be resolved through alcohol. As advised by Linda, when your ready, reduce the alcohol intake to a more healthy level...you dont have to stop altogether.

    I let it get out of control when i was pist off lol

    I can tell from your email that your stong Liz, so just reduce it slowly.

    Remeber alcoholism is choice not a disease

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    • Posted

      I am surprised that this 'controlled aggression' that police officers are trained in is not, in fact controlled at all. If taught properly, it shouldn't be something that affects their home life.

      I read, from Liz's original message that she was no longer with this man. To quote: ' And it was lots. So.... My ex said "have a big glass of wine to help you relax". '

      Am I right in my assumption that you are no longer with him Liz?

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    • Posted

      Exactly my thoughts Paul. If they are trained properly, then surely they are taught to control their anger, therefore it shouldn't affect their home life
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