Long Distance Relationship, Boyfriend Suffers from Depression - Not Sure What to Do…

My boyfriend and I have been dating long distance for the last 2 years. We don’t live insanely far, just about 2 hours away from each other. Since we live in different states we would always see each other on weekends since we both had work or school. Since COVID I decided to go into an accelerated nursing program and should be finished by May 2022. Even though we live in different states, my boyfriend has always been extremely supportive of me going back to school and we have both always been willing to work with each other’s schedule. He would say he wanted a future together and that we would look at getting a place once I graduated from nursing school.

My boyfriend has always struggled with depression and he has been very open about it. I also suffer from depression and anxiety, but have been seeing a therapist and taking medication for years. My boyfriend however, does not see anyone and does not take medication. I have always been the one he tells everything to when he is depressed and I believe I am the only one who actually knows the full extent of his depression. He talks about being exhausted with life and how he doesn’t want to be alive anymore. Of course I worry about him more than anyone can imagine! He says he won’t commit suicide because he doesn’t want to hurt those around him, but I worry about him getting into a car accident or making a mistake that could cost him his life.

For most of our relationship we have managed to get through a lot of the ups and downs that would come from his or my depression and anxiety. I know depression isn’t anyone’s fault and have never blamed him for anything. I have always tried to be understanding of things, however, it has always been more difficult for him to be understanding because of his severe depression. . I love him more than life itself and have wanted nothing more than to be a support system for him when he needs it, but lately out of nowhere he has completely pulled away from me, to the point where he wouldn’t want to talk to me, he wouldn’t want to see me on weekends anymore, and he said he wasn’t sure if he wanted a relationship anymore because of his own insecurities, but he wouldn’t tell me what insecurities. He has always said he loves me and cares about me, but thinks I would be happier with someone else… which of course I never agreed with because he does make me extremely happy, I just hate seeing him like this because more than anything I want him to be happy with himself, because I think he is absolutely amazing! I wish he could see what I see in him, but I know he doesn’t believe anything I tell him sadly.

He used to tell me how he couldn’t wait to see me on the weekend and how he was thankful to have me in his life, but now it’s as if he wants nothing to do with me and I have no idea why! I know I shouldn’t take some of the things he says personally, but it is so hard not to!

Of all the people in his life, why am I the one he seems to want to get rid of?

I have asked him what I can do to help relieve any stress he has, but whenever I ask him anything his answer to everything is “I don’t know”…

He recently said the other day that he is emotionally exhausted with life and needs to take a step back and take a break from our relationship… of course he said a few other harsh things with it saying he doesn’t care if I hate him or I can do whatever I want to get over him or let him go, but I didn’t respond in a harsh way because he has always been worth it to me and I have always made sure to tell him that. He just sadly doesn’t believe me because he doesn’t believe it himself… I asked if he wanted to break up completely or if he wanted to re-visit things in a month or so because I wasn’t sure what it was he was wanting. Just the other day he said he wanted me to be a part of his life, so it was just hard for me to believe that he would want to end things forever… He ended up responding say he would like to re-visit things in a month if that was ok with me, which of course I was ok with, but a part of me (my anxiousness) has a terrible feeling that I won’t ever hear from him again… I fear that not only will I not hear from him for an entire month, but he won’t reach out to meet up and instead will just continue on without me.

I know that is something I need to prepare myself for, because if not having me in his life is what will make him happier than I need to be accepting of that and respect his wishes, even if it will be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

Being in nursing school and always having each other for when I had a rough day at school or he had a rough day at work, it is just crazy to see how everything changed so fast. Its as if he doesn’t care about me or anything anymore, and it is so frustrating that I can’t just see him in person or be with him since we live farther away.

I want to respect his wishes and give him his time and space he asked for, I am just having a difficult time not making my mind wander with all kinds of unfortunate thoughts… I try to read other posts to remind me that this isn’t my boyfriend, but his depression, but I have loved him through his depression and I still do, it just sadly had never gotten this bad to where I felt like he wanted nothing to do with me. I still love him more than life itself and pray he is able to get the help and time he needs.

Should I stay strong and not say anything for the entire month, and pray he says something to me in a month? Of course I hope he says something sooner than a month, but I just worry about him and if he would do anything to hurt himself. My mind is all over the place. I can’t seem to focus on my studies or anything else except trying to understand everything there is about depression in hopes to find something that will put my mind at ease.

Any advice or thoughts would be helpful. I know I sound crazy, but I love him with all of my heart and I want the very best for him. I just worry about him and what he is going through and I hate that there is nothing I can seem to do to help.

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