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Hello, my soon to be ex who won't leave the family home has recently given up alcohol after drinking for over 20 years. This was the beginning of June. He had a drink every day varying from 2-10 cans of cider daily depending on the day as he also has health and mental problems. However he has had a drink on a few occasions and either has lied about it completely or lied about how much. He seems to think that it is OK for him to drink occasionally but each time he does it he says he doesn't like it yet does it again. He has been doing this about 2-3 times a week getting drunk and abusive even after just having a can. His family were so proud of him for stopping but he blames me for drinking again because l want to the end the relationship after 27 years of abuse. He says he gave up for us but the fact that he is still lying shows he hasn't changed. He won't accept the relationship is over and uses all forms of emotional blackmail to try to get what he wants. I also suffer anxiety and depression due to the abuse and it has affected the kids. I just want him to accept things and rebuild his life without drink and for the sake of his family. How do l get him to realise that he can't drink at all becauae he'll end up back where he was and how do l get him to leave? We are joint tenants of a housing association house. Plus he doesn't do anything now which warrants the police to be phoned.

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6 Replies

  • Posted

    This is tough that you both live in a housing association...not knowing what that fully means..but I assume it means you both have rights to stay there.

    Based on disabilities or public assistance being needed.

    You didn't mention if you have any children...If you don't this would be simpler for me....I want to say that you should move out...find a way...purely because of his behavior and your dead relationship.

    I feel like him stopping drinking at this time is not going to solve all your problems.  It takes so long once a person stops drinking to become any kind of a "rationale" "functioning" human being.

    Actually, the Drs in my area suggest that you do not enter into a relationship or make any major decisions for up to a year after stopping the drink.

    That being said...I don't think he is capable of moving out....or performing all the tasks necessary to move out.  BUT, you sound like you can make a plan.

    There is nothing you can do about him drinking...

    But the bottom line is...there is something you can do for yourself to be out of this situation and that is what you should focus your plan on....YOU.

  • Posted

    Agree with Missy
    • Posted

      Hi, I briefly mentioned the children being affected. They are aged between 6 and 24. Its funny cuz u mention about concentrating on me and that's exactly what l am doing by ending the relationship. I have lived for too long at the bottom of the pile. It's unfortunate that he has stopped drinking at this time and added this to the mix but he pressures me to reconsider but at last regardless of the fact that he says he has changed cuz he has stopped drinking that boat has sailed and I am doing what l have wanted to do for years but Neva had the strength.

    • Posted

      And you said he hasn't stopped drinking that he is drinking 2-3 times a week.

      You are right...you have lived to long like this...and your 6 year old...deserves this NEW LIFE...as much if not more than you do.

      You have a lot of work to do...but you will be so relieved when you DO IT.

      I left someone after 22 years...it wasn't easy...but it was enpowering.

    • Posted

      your youngest at 6 deserves a good life...keep trying...Robin
  • Posted

    Whatever his family think, YOU are not to blame, so push that off your shoulders. I hope you already have.

    After 27 years off abuse, you deserve and need some peace of mind.

    If you institute divorce proceedings, the Housing Association will have to give one of you alternative accomodation.

    I wish you well and I think you're very brave to have endured this for so long. My heart goes out to you.

    Love Tess xxx

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