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Longterm Boyfriend recently diagnosed with depression broke up with me

Posted , 6 users are following.

crtny415
crtny415

Sorry this is long. A lot of pieces and I can really use some insight/clarity/support/help.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over two and a half years. We met while in college and after graduation he moved about 6 hours away. We have now done the long distance for a year and a half. We see each other usually at least once a month and would talk each day.

Two weeks ago he saw a doctor and was put on antidepressants. The following day he flew to visit me for my birthday and told me what was going on and he also got me a ticket to fly back and spend a week with him. The week was great. He opened up to me about personal stuff, more so then usual. Was typical is and fun. Yes there were the ups and downs with the medication and what he is dealing with. I just tried my best to be supportive and give him what her needed. He also developed a cold this week and with everything going on I asked if he was ok or needed anything (I work with children so am a natural caregiver in a sense). Overall, no signs as to what came next.

The morning I left on the way to the airport, he told me he needed a break to focus on himself so he could be better for us. I was in shock and of course crying as this was so sudden I was shaking and baffled. He kept saying he loved me and was sorry but his doctors and parents said this could be good for him. He also asked me not to call or text him which he knew would be hard but he knew I was strong. He said how me continuing to see if he was ok didn't help his anxiety. He couldn't tell me how long and said to basically consider it a break up. He kept trying to hold me hand whenever I would pull away and how it wasn't me it was him. At he airport on the curb he kept hugging me and while I was in such a state of shock her demanded me to kiss him before he and I left. I could barely process what was happening in this time.

Here I am now a little over a week and a half later. I have seen my therapist a talked it out. I have a lot of questions I cant get answers too. It's hard as we've been talking about me moving there and I'm pretty sure some of this is linked to commitment.

We talked a week after this and he said how he still loves me and just doesn't know what's going on. He can't tell me yes we will get back together or no he said how I make him feel good and happy but doesn't have answers. It's all just so sudden and not Normal. He also mentioned how he's been talking and seeing a girl. Said it's meaningless and seeing how he feels with them in comparison to me. He has done this in past and we worked though it. His reasoning the first time was he was lonely with the distance and it was only online they talked. Through our conversation despite that and telling me to see people too and treat as a breakup but he doesn't know what he wants. I'm so lost. He said this idea of a break/breakup occurred the day I left when he told me he needed to just step away and go game for a bit in his room. I understood. He even mentioned how his mom needed space from his dad for a bit when saying and now they've been together for years. Just so many mixed signals. He says he loves me and doesn't know. I can't wrap my head around it being over like this. I feel his medication is off or he is masking and hiding his depression and cutting out the people close to him. He sounded so disconteccted, somber, and emotionless. Not the guy I know and he seems to be letting all this define him.

I don't want to pressure him to talk. I'm

Honoring the space. But I need to talk to him again soon to see where he is. I don't want to shut the door completely and he's left it cracked with the hope and approving how if we did get back together he knows there would need to be couples therapy. I know we could try to get through this. And if I move on I feel for me, it'll be the end.

We made a point to talk at the end of the month to see where we were and I did that out of anger in learning he saw a girl. He mentioned a week and a half (oddly specific in my mind) so that's the end of next week. Is that too soon? I know he will be in town and to have a face to face and explain how this has hurt me and see if he's doing ok. Just read his body language.

I'm hoping someone can give me advice on what to do or what they think he needs/thinking? I'm worried as hes pushed me away so suddenly after these years and I do love him. I know I don't deserve this and I am working on myself at this time. I am just at a loss and so confused.

1 like, 8 replies

8 Replies

  • jmcg2014
    jmcg2014 crtny415

    Posted

    Well the bottom line is, he can decide if he wants a relationship if he wants, depression or not, that's everyone's right. A Dr would never advise someone to do anything with their relationship, so I'm sorry to say but that sounds like a lie. Maybe a lie to make what he was saying less as if it was his idea, which is cowardly. All I can say is, tell him you accept his decision, but if he really means it then it means no contact, he can't have it both ways. Respect his decision, don't allow yourself to be lied to, and move on, it sounds like he's looking for an excuse to break up and he's using depression as a reason

    • crtny415
      crtny415 jmcg2014

      Posted

      I know he could decide if he wanted. Everyone's told me no doctor would advise a relationship change even my therapist. All he's seen is his regular doctor who prescribed the meds which ticks me off as they aren't experts in monitoring it. I'm the one who wants the contact to figure out what's going on and reached out first. He mentioned a week and a half till we talk again just needing time to figure stuff out. Maybe what you said is true, he did say consider it a breakup but he does love me and I make him fee so good and all and maybe we will get back together eventually he just doesn't know anything right now. He's so logical usually this just isn't him.

  • sandy_so_sad
    sandy_so_sad crtny415

    Posted

    I've had the same excuses from my Ex. Promising to back then his not. Loves then he doesn't. We have a daughter together. 20 years of happiness.

    Now 3 months after the split I've cut him out of my life avoide his phone calls. If the grass greener on the side he can go.

    Now it's me and my daughters time to be happy again.

    Now I'm depressed and seeking help he hasn't bothered.

    There's two things you can do hang on and hope he comes back. Or start making yourself happy again.

  • wayne1962
    wayne1962 crtny415

    Posted

    Hi crtny415 - what a dilemma you are in. There have been several posts lately from people in your position with relationships breaking down and one half saying they need time, demanding seperation and yet maintaining contact with messaging and the like.

    I was wondering why he moved after graduation and why you didn't move with him? The arrangement you have had for the last 18 months sounds more like a long distance freindship. The other red flag is that this is not the first time he has strayed. The fact that he has admitted he has this time could be his way of offering you an avenue to tell him to get lost. It sounds manipulative. Perhaps he is even in two minds whether to leave the relationship with you hence his visit the purpose of which is to measure you to see if you still fit into his life.  Also his behaviour at the airport could also have been his attempt at a final goodbye rather than a signal that he wishes to continue.

    Please understand it is hard for anyone to give any advice about this sort of scenario; we don't know either of you.

    If I was you, I would give him that space he says he needs. If he contacts you, remind him of what he wanted and tell him that you are working through your own perception of this relationship. Meantime, as hard as it may be, you should consider what course your life will take if the relationship ends. A person like yourself who has that ability to care for others can sometimes be their own worst enemy. When you both reconnect, yes, it should be face to face. I would also point out that your relationship developed in college, so you are both young. The dynamics of relationships change and what seemed a perfect fit years ago may not be so now because people grow at different rates and through different experiences. If he is seeking other avenues in life you must let him, as hard and incomprehensible as it may be to your idea of what should be. 

    Meeting him in a week and a half (yes, that is specific. I wonder why?) will give you the opportunity to asses the situation. It would be interesting to see if the anti depressants are working (they take 3-6 weeks to take effect). Hang in there. Be kind to yourself. Follow your gut instinct. We are always here to talk.

    • crtny415
      crtny415 wayne1962

      Posted

      Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

      After graduation he got a job in another city that is the hotspot for tech which is the business he is in. I was going to go with but he wanted to go get settled on his own first and I was attempting to find a job there. Ultimately, I ended up back in school and for financial reasons stayed home. Now I'm almost done with school and was looking to move there again and get a feel of we could even live together by testing it out this summer. This idea gave him anxiety. I'm convinced he has commitment issues.

      I don't think it was a friendship. Was a long distance relationship. Still talked each day, he would travel here or me there. We talked future and life. Long distance brings issues of loneliness and I dealt with it too just didn't act on it like he did. It's something we worked through and to me our relationship got better as he was open and honest with me more. I see what you're saying, there is definitely manipulation in here in many ways. By telling me this time about the girls and still giving me hope he will come back. I want to believe and partially feel this is his way of seeing if I'm it? Like you describe with him being in two minds not know what to do. On the phone he sounded just as unsure and confused as me. He was telling me to go out and mingle too but unable to say we are done or I'll be back. It's a mind game.

      I've considered the college and growing apart but it all seemed so good and why not just have a conversation to discuss that? This is something that was a very sudden idea as he said it occurred the day I was leaving. I have to think the commitment scares him, the other girl happened when he was feeling lonely again due to the depression just trying to feel something(?) and all this is in relation to his mind and medication and what he is going through? Only he can decide and I just want him to talk to a psychiatrist to balance meds and discuss what's going on. He needs it.

      I work with kids, so caring and being understanding really is my own worst enemy. Depression run in my family so I have a understanding and just want to be supportive. When discussing when to talk again he said a week and a half. He later mentioned he would be in town for Mother's Day which links to that time frame and I want to reach out to talk face to face then. See where he is now tell him how this has made me feel and what I think is going on (commitment, trying to feel something, his work life balance as he just goes to work comes home and eats and sleep, not getting the right help as he doesn't want to fully admit what he is going through - he has never been good with feelings/emotions- and maybe pushing me away because he doesn't know but also doesn't want to worry about my feelings on top of his). His family I don't think will point this out and will be more do what you need too. He's been on the meds now about 3 weeks. And he said the doctor may put him on anxiety meds too. After 2.5 years together and all we went through and discussed I just can't think this is it and maybe he doesn't either but is fighting so much in his head?

      Thank you for being here to vent and find meaning.

  • Riri000
    Riri000 crtny415

    Posted

    Anti depressants are the worst I remember when I was on them I broke up with my bf also the reason is because they anti depressants literally make u feel numb ! There's no anxiety but there's no happiness or sadness or anger your just constantly in a one mood and I think because of that he maybe felt like his feelings towards u were different but it's really the drugs talking ! Just try to be patient and be there for him because all and all he's going through a state of confusion even accepting the fact of depression

    • crtny415
      crtny415 Riri000

      Posted

      And numb is exactly how he sounded. It's scary as I know it's not him and he's dealing with all these things enternally and not talking to anyone. At the airport it was literally "I'm sorry I can't cry I just can't it's the meds" like he wanted to feel bad but couldn't?

      He says he has anxiety still though? And doctor may put him on anxiety meds as well.. is that not possible? I keep telling myself it's the drugs. I feel like I know him better than this and it's them that a causing craziness in his head.

      I want to be there and supportive but he wants space? He talked to me like a friend and with hope maybe one day but still he was so emotionless. It's not him. And the other girl it's bothersome obviously but he said it's meaningless and it was nice but it's to see how I feel about you. Maybe I do reach out when he's in town for the face to face which would also be the week and a half he originally said to see where he is at and body language. It'll be a month since he started the meds then. Him breaking up with me was only after a a week and a half on them.

      Thanks for your thoughts

  • Livelife
    Livelife crtny415

    Posted

    I mean we don't know what's going on inside his head no one does, but basically what he is saying is 'I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you' he's stringing you along and keeping you there and I think personally through experience he's broke up with you so he can sleep with this new girl and when that is over he will get back with you

    I suffer major depression and would never do that to my partner

    for him to tell you about the girl, something has definitely been going on

    but through personal experience this will ruin your life the way hes not telling you if it's over or not

    but my opinion

    he's broke up with you so he can sleep with this new girl

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