Looking for advice.

Okay, so I'm recently out of a great relationship. We were together about 2 and a half years, and I was so happy that I was still finding new reasons to love her every day. The one thing I struggled to understand was her mood phases, but even though I didn't completely understand, I did my best to be understanding and help. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder shortly before she started dating me back in 2014. She went inpatient once about a year into our relationship and I went to visit her every day and was sure to bring her anything she asked for during her stay there.

Over the course of our relationship, she has been consistent with talking to me about any med adjustments (I normally don't ask, she just tells me), and I really was appreciative of that because being involved means being a team.

Anyways, we had been arguing on and off a fair amount before the break up. They were arguments that were normally resolved within an hour or so. I didn't think too much of it, because for two people who went so long without any real disagreements, I figured it might be normal while going through a third year.

I have been so lost, confused, and in pain since the change of the year. She broke up with me on New Year’s Day out of nowhere, she asked me to leave and I asked "what's going on?” she said "I want you to go." Looking at her confused, I said, “let me call my mother and see if I can stay in her guest room. A couple of days at my mothers and I was able to talk to her to a point of her wanting me to return. I love this woman, and was so afraid, that when she said that I should come back, I replied “I’ll be happy to be back when I return, I love you always……but you must’ve got to a point where you needed this space somehow. Why don’t I stay at my mom’s another 3 days and then I’ll come back.” Two days past, I would see her during the day and go to my mom’s in the evening. I had to take a certification exam I had been studying for on that second day and passed. When I got home, I found her there congratulating me with an I love you balloon, a 6 page letter about how much she loved me and how lucky she is to have me in her life. In the letter she apologized for the hoops I had to jump through while still prepping for my exam. Our lease on our current apartment was almost up so we also went apartment hunting that day. We saw one she loved and she wanted to fill out the leasing application right then and there. I said we should wait seeing as we still had a couple more to look at. I told her I loved her, and that we should weigh our options and conveniences of location before we do the application. She said okay, but while we were in the car she apologized for telling people at work that she broke up with me. (We work in the same building, different floors.) I said don’t worry about it, I go there to work so that doesn’t really matter to me.

When I returned to work it was an entirely different story. I was being harassed and mistreated by other employees and I’m just really confused. I asked her about it later on and she accused me of trying to make her feel guilty about it. I explained a number of times that I didn’t mean it that way……by the 23rd time I yelled, “I did not mean it that way”. So she gets upset and doesn’t speak to me. The next day she calls and asks me to come to our apartment. I refused and told her I didn’t want to because I thought she was going to break up with me. I only said no twice, but she sounded playful when asking repeatedly for me to come over. I said ok, I’ll be there soon. I get there and 15 minutes into a normal conversation, not even an argument she breaks up with me. This time I cry a little. Over the next few days I did so much to either try to win her back or ask for an explanation. I bought flowers, cards, candy, rose petals, a teddy bear, balloons, and chocolate……the whole 9. Each day with a blank expression or text she would say, “You’re wasting your time”. At that point I said if I’m leaving I need to know why. She actually looked at me and said “my friends told me I should”, and then she starts naming people that she has never mentioned to me before. I’m like who are they? She said that it wasn’t important. So the next day, I come to pick up more of my things and knock on the door when I arrive. She asked “Why are you knocking, this is your apartment too”? I told her that I was just trying to respect her wish for space. She told me to use my key when I come. Next time I go to work, a woman that I know came and told me that I need to be careful and that she had been up there telling them that I called her a fat pig, hated her cooking, abused her, and so much more. She wanted to warn me that someone might call the police, and my jaw hit the floor. This was unbelievable. So I stayed away, didn’t pick up anymore of my things just yet. 

The same day I came back from the exam, she told me she wanted to give me her doctors’ number and that I should call if anything seems wrong.

So of course, I call and leave the doc a message. My ex calls, and she is furious! I said nothing and excused myself and got off the phone. I can’t make sense of any of this in my mind.

She sends me a message and tells me that she is afraid of me and can’t come home until all of my things are out and I turn my keys in.

My name is on that lease too! I planned to give her as she asked, but I didn’t respond to her text. I guess she became impatient because then she text me and said that since she is taking over anything I was paying for that she should expect me to be completely out by “Monday, end of day” (her words). 

At this point I feel defeated, lost, and in an immense and unspeakable amount of pain. I had all my stuff out by her deadline and made a huge mistake. I noticed her laptop on the couch. Our entire relationship, I never went through her phone or computer for anything. I just needed answers. So this is when I realize the gravity of what is really happening here. She had multiple chats open telling people I’m unstable and an awful person. Then I found out she slept with someone else who works where we do and that was enough for me to close the laptop. I went home, got in bed and didn’t get up for days. I used some of my PTO time because I was feeling so sick. My stomach was in constant physical pain, and then we all know what heart ache feels like. One day she text me and asked if I had forwarded my mail because I got some there. She told me to come get it, and I told her she could toss it off the balcony when I get there or leave it on top of your car and I’ll be there to get it in a few minutes. (at this point I had convinced even myself while I was laying in my bed for days that she was afraid of me) She said no, and that she could come down and hand it to me. When I get there she tells me that I was trying to ruin her life by contacting her doctor and her mom. She told me it didn’t matter though because she had already spoke to them and they think I’m crazy. I asked why she is telling people at work she is afraid of me……..she shrugs her shoulders and says “I’m not afraid of you, I know you wouldn’t try to hurt me”. So now I’m lost again….and she says, “I’m just getting tired of being treated like sh**”. I asked her about the guy she slept with. Still emotionless, I haven’t seen a sad expression on her face through any of this, she explains that she hadn’t planned on it and that she hadn’t even met the guy until after she broke up with me. The she assured me I’d never see him because he works on the other side of the building. (like that makes it hurt less) This is the same woman who is 27 and has only slept with 6 people before me! I don’t get it.

I start to tear up, because this is not the person I’ve been with for 2 and a half years and if anything was wrong why not just tell me and give me a fighting chance to fix it. My family and a few friends are as confused of me saying that we made such a great team and always looked so strong. We play, we work, we share and we both just really shared a lot of the same ideas about how to treat one another. There were people I didn’t know too much that told me they were shocked because last time they spoke to her she only talked about how awesome I was and our latest adventures.

The rumors started to be too much and the head of our department got involved. I explained to her the situation without mentioning her diagnosis because at this point I have no idea if this has anything to do with that. The head of our department tried to persuade me to take this to HR and open a case. I repeatedly refused. I know she has way too much to lose. She told me at the very least she was going to go talk with her and her supervisors. After that, the rumors have stopped, the harassment has stopped, and I withdrew my letter of resignation.  This all happen 2 months ago in January, and it almost appears as if I do not exist to her. I rarely see her, but when I do she doesn’t even acknowledge my existence.

I don’t understand how I didn’t see a disconnect if this sort of thing was about to happen. This girl was affectionate, bought gifts, and would wake me out my sleep to spend time together up until the very last day!

Somewhere in the mix when I was trying to get an explanation, she said it was because I didn’t take her camping. I was speechless, but later thought to myself that we went to Colorado and hiked in horse Tooth Mountain, Explored the Shenandoah caverns in Virginia and went to the Bahamas. If she wanted to go camping, it would have happened. I hadn’t even heard her mention it sense we bought a tent like a year ago.

I mean just a valentines day in the past I planned an elaborate scavenger hunt over multiple towns with a gift and a clue at each location leading to the real gift, and that same day she gave me a box of 365 individualized pieces of paper and on each one she wrote a reason she loved me.

When she complained that taking meds everyday was a hassle, I took an empty prescription bottle, used photoshop to alter the label, ordered empty capsules and put a rolled up piece of paper with things that would make her happy on each one. I refilled it twice, which seemed to be enough for her to get past the annoyance of it all. I can tell she appreciated it because she took it along with her real meds when we vacationed for a week.

I do know she wasn’t sleeping at all in the beginning of January, I gave her one of my sleep aids to help but she was just up for days at the end of December.

I made this girl a promise after her inpatient thing that I was strong enough to handle what comes along with her disorder. I told her that I’d stick through anything, and fall anywhere that she did because we’d be in it together. Now I’m stuck…….is this the disorder or is it her?

She seems to have everyone convinced that she is fine, including me sometimes. I can’t lie, her facebook post look as if she has found a new lease on life, and is happier now than she ever was with me.  

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