Looking for help/support groups or therapy to help get over herpes and be myself again

I am going to put everything down in writing from start to finish, including the emotions I have felt, the people I have affected and all the choices I have made. At this point I’m not even sure where this will end up or if anyone else will ever see it, but I need to start making some sense of this part of my life.

Growing up I was always quite a confident lad, id had a few relationships in my teenage years, I was really into sports and just starting to get into the gym. By the time I hit 19 I was hanging around with a group of lads a year or two older than me, they were all ‘nice’ lads from good backgrounds, we got on really well, trained together in the week and went out drinking 3-4 times a week, it was pretty much what our lives revolved around. From around that age I started having casual relationships or sleeping around, there was nothing malicious about it, I wasn’t a horrible person, we all did it at the time. I guess we were typical young lads who knew how to look good and pull girls. This went on for a good couple of years, back then I suppose we were having fun with very few worries about anything.

Late October 2011 I was 21, things changed how I felt about myself to this date, whilst at the time I didn’t think they had. I was fishing and noticed a few small scabs down below; I wasn’t too concerned at first but after going to the sexual health clinic for the first time I was told they suspected Genital Herpes. They took some tests and said I would hear back in a few days. I was shocked, but basically refused to take in what this meant and the significance it had. A few days later I had confirmation it was herpes, I can remember at this point thinking right I should probably find out what this means and how I get rid of it, obviously to find out that I actually couldn’t ‘get rid’ of it, I had it for life. At the time I only told my one friend who I could trust, I was embarrassed and didn’t really know what to think if I’m honest, I was a good looking popular young lad, I was ashamed and angry initially that this had happened to me. I didn’t know who I’d caught it off, I was too worried about my ego to ask any recent flings id had. I kept asking myself why me? All my friends were behaving the same, I was frustrated. Karma for sleeping around without much of a care, I guess!

The first year or so was hard, off the top off my head I must have had an outbreak every 4-6 weeks and it seemed like I was getting treatment constantly. I think my second year I went onto the suppressive treatment where I had a tablet every day, this helped, I only had a handful or less of flare ups that year, I’ve not taken the suppressive treatment since. I’ve now had herpes coming up to 9 years and I’ve gone over 18 months on a couple of occasions without any symptoms, they have reduced massively and physically now have very little impact on my life at all, I’ve even had medication go out of date before I’ve needed to use it.

Unfortunately, I was young, irresponsible, selfish, ignorant and somewhat foolish in my early to mid 20s. I decided although I knew it was serious and it did knock my confidence slightly, I was going to ignore dealing with it mentally and carry on my life as normal. I did slow down with sleeping around but I didn’t stop, I was careful when I did it so I would keep risk of spreading it at its lowest, but ultimately I didn’t deal with the situation very well at all. I am very ashamed to admit that looking back all I really cared about was myself and keeping my dirty little secret quiet without anyone finding out.

I constantly worried about my future, every day I thought about how would I ever settle down? Who would have me knowing I have an STI? How and when do you possibly tell someone you’re dating that you have herpes? I had no answers to these questions, even though they were a daily thought. I was okay at the time because everything was casual, I could be careful and never have to admit my secret, but someday I wanted a settled loving relationship with kids. But unfortunately, as often as these thoughts came into my head, I removed them and kept my head in the sand refusing to deal with the inevitable. I was selfish and immature, I was scared to stand up to what I was dealing with.

When I was 25 in 2014 I met my now fiancé, which sounds great as we are still together just about, but unfortunately it’s much more complicated than that and things are not all rosy. We met at our workplace, at the time she had just come out of a very rough relationship and I was doing my causal relationship lifestyle ignoring my problems. We started chatting over the weeks leading up to Christmas, hooked up after the Christmas party and then started seeing each other. It was a great feeling to have a more substantial relationship and it started very well. I was in preparation for a bodybuilding competition at the time so naturally I was behaving in a selfish manor, training every night after work and generally being obsessed with the gym. She was great, she cooked me food every night, accepted we couldn’t do the ‘normal’ dating stuff as I was being strict and generally supported me as much as anyone could have done. I stayed over at her parents’ house pretty much every night that year, things were going very well.

I had a couple of short-term relationships in the 4 years previous, but this had already lasted longer than all of those and was quickly become more serious than anything I had been involved in before, which was great. However, I had the issue of herpes, which I hadn’t told her about, and we were sleeping together regularly at the time, protected but also unprotected sometimes. I was so scared about telling her, I was sure she would just leave me although she was the most thoughtful girl I had ever met, I was embarrassed for myself, I was worried that if she found out and it went wrong it would come out at our workplace. I was just selfish, I put all my feelings before hers and more importantly her health, I was so stupid, but I genuinely didn’t know what to do. Something I will regret for the rest of my life; I wish I had handled it differently.

18 months later in 2016 we were still going strong living together in a flat we rented; however, I had still not known how to tell her about my herpes, I was still hiding my secret from everyone pretending to be fine physically and mentally. My fiancé was having some issues with water infections and pains downstairs. I was so scared and nervous; I was sure she was going to have herpes and it was all my fault. Once evening she had a hospital appointment, they took tests and she came home worried, I had to tell her. I remember breaking down on the lounge floor as I told her, its stupid really because she was the one who had the right to be breaking down upset and angry not me, I was the coward that made the terrible decision of not telling her from the off. She held me as I broke down, clearly very upset and angry but also her usual caring supportive self, I didn’t deserve that. Understandably we had a very rough few days/weeks, we went to the clinic together but she couldn’t get tested as she had no symptoms, her tests came back as a water infection I think so we didn’t know if I had passed the virus onto her or not. After those tough weeks she was good enough to understand I’d made a very bad decision but she would do her best to put it behind her and try to move on as a couple, which is something although I have not shown her, I am so lucky and grateful for. Over the whole relationship she has put so much effort in, often putting her own feelings aside to try and help our relationship and me.

Unfortunately, from that day forward something changed inside my head, although I felt a huge sense of relief for finally telling her after keeping it to myself after so long, it was also the start of me slowly losing my personality as I knew it. I don’t know why, but over the years since then I couldn’t pretend anymore, I couldn’t hide behind a front, I had to be myself, that’s when the lack of confidence, embarrassment and shame started really setting in. Over the last 5 years I have struggled to laugh or make anyone else laugh, have genuine fun, I’ve felt uncomfortable in all manor of situations that would be deemed as ‘normal’. I’ve felt awkward at times at home with my fiancé for a long time for absolutely no obvious reason, despite her doing everything she can to help. I’ve even had times where I’ve felt awkward talking face to face with good friends or even my parents and I don’t know why, I can only assume inside I’m embarrassed and don’t know how to make peace with what’s happened to me.

My lack of personality/confidence has obviously had a huge impact on my relationship on top of what physically happened, I have just let it slip away, to the point I am in now where my fiancé can’t put any more effort in without getting anything back, she’s fed up of getting nothing back in terms of love and emotions. It’s almost like I have lost the ability to build emotional relationships now including friendships, the only things I seem to be able to do well are practical things such as hobbies or work. From the day I told her, I feel like I have gone inside myself, tucked myself up and put very little love/emotional thought into anything or anyone, again I don’t know why. The reality is she was good enough to be so understanding where lots of people wouldn’t have been, and further still spent the next 4 years putting in as much effort as possible getting very little back in the way of emotional love. I got past the hardest part of telling her, that should have been it, we should have moved on from that then and been happy but instead I almost became emotionless.

We would hardly ever have sex, even though I had come clean I was subconsciously conscious, and I think I tried to avoid it because I was embarrassed and hadn’t made peace with myself about the whole situation. This has had a massive effect on her confidence, I’ve made her paranoid and insecure, I’ve made her feel like there’s something wrong with her which there certainly is not. I need her to know it’s my problem not her, but for so long I’ve not said anything and just let it be. From that I then became awkward even hugging her or anyone else for that matter, having fun became difficult with anyone and any situation, it all just became very unnatural and I didn’t know how to behave. The only place I felt even remotely comfortable was either on my own fishing or in my comfort zone of my gym where I could control everything. I’ve always been quite a serious person especially around work, but I started been serious all the time, very stiff and blank looking at times. I can remember being in bars just having a drink and feeling very uncomfortable, I don’t know if I just associated clubs and bars with my past and it reminded me of my situation, I’m not sure but the last 5 years I’ve felt very awkward in public places especially if they have been busy. My fiancé helped me a lot the last year by making friends with some of our neighbours, so I’ve been able to socialise just around each other’s houses for the first time in a long time which I’ve really enjoyed but id by lying if I said it comes natural and I don’t have awkward moments where I just seem stuck for conversation or feel a bit conscious. I know lots of people can feel like this, but I never used to have a problem meeting or talking to new people.

Basically, now I’m in a position where I’ve not put enough effort into my relationship for so long, I’m very close to losing it. I have put lots of practical effort in, like work and practical support, but the loving emotional support hasn’t been there for a long time. Not because I don’t want it to be, I just don’t think I know how to anymore, I feel like I’ve wiped those emotions away, I’m not sure how or why.

I feel like I need to make peace with my past and realise that it doesn’t determined who I am or what my future looks like. I have never even researched my condition properly, which is ridiculous, but it shows I have just been ignorant and careless, I just wanted to ignore it. The last couple of days I’ve watched loads of videos and read lots of blogs of people who are also affected, it’s very common and the stigma really isn’t that bad. Many people are able to have proper meaningful loving relationships with great sex lives, it shouldn’t affect everything this badly and I do know that. I need to learn that I can live a normal life with a nice loving relationship, feel good about myself and have a social life but I just don’t know how to do that after so long of shutting my feelings/emotions away. I need to learn that I can love and use my emotions to help my relationship not hide them away. Up until now I’ve blocked it out and refused to think about it any longer than I absolutely had to, I’ve been selfish and just let things go on as they have been getting slowly worse.

I must start somewhere now; else I’m going to lose everything and never feel better. Although this is never something I ever wanted to do, and as much as I’m not willing to tell the world I need to start by telling the people closest to me in an attempt to make peace with myself and regain personality back. I’m hoping that writing all this down, being brutally honest with myself and also telling a select few people will help with how I feel about myself and in turn help me feel happier and turn my relationship around before it’s too late.

If you’ve got this far thank you for reading my story. I am desperate to try and get over this now, yesterday I told my parents who were extremely understanding as I knew they would be. I feel a tiny bit better but still stuck as to what to do next. If anyone can recommend any counselling they have used or solutions that have helped them feel good about themselves again I would be very grateful. Thanks.

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