Loss of a parent in your 20's - 40's

Posted , 3 users are following.

I lost my mum when I was 30.  She was my best friend, my everything and the only family i had except my daughter.  When she died it was like someone had taken my safety net away.  I have changed so much.  I have not yet learnt to live a happy life without her.

I am suprised there are not really any forums about loss of loved ones.  It is so life changing.  I figured it fitted in to the depression forum as I have been constantly depressed since she died (although I have had depression since I was 15).  In a way she was my carer as far as my depression went.  She was th eonly one who got me completely.  She always knew what to do.  She would fight my battles when I was too depressed to fight them for me.

Then there are things like parenting advice - I have never had her advice about the teenage years and boy have I needed it!!

Christmas and Birthdays (Im not so sure if this is quite the same as if you have a large family, please correct me if I am wrong) are just ruined.  Especially Christmas - my mum did Christmas for 30 years (and her mum was alive o my nan would be there) , my whole life.  Now Christmas day is just me and my daughter.  I love watching her open her presents but all day I hurt so much.  It is not right.  Christmas is no longer Christmas.

Then there are occasioanlly bad feelings in the mix too.  My mum was with a guy she had been with for 7 years when she died.  She left everything (and she had quite a lot, she was a top accountant) to him.  I get half the worth of he house when he dies. No uni fund for my daughter.  No little bit of savings when i get in to trouble (which I am, my rent is more than I earn!).

I try to understand by thinking she must of thought my step dad would have looked after us.  He travelled the world, bought a new motorbike and a boat.  I havent spoken to him in 3 years.  Once when an ex threw me and my daughter out on the streets i asked for his help and I didnt even get a reply.

It crushes your life.  I would like to hear of other peoples experience of the loss of a parent.

And if anyone has any ways to cope I would REALLY like to hear them.

Thanks

Sue

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5 Replies

  • Posted

    Dear Sue, 

    i am am so sorry to read of your difficulties. I have just written of how my father treated my mother. My story connects a little with yours.

    I was almost 21 when my mother died. She had once had wealth but it was almost all gone on her nursing and repeatedly paying my father's extravagant debts. He had the lifestyle of a wealth man but had nothing of his own.

    So when my mother died I lost my home. I lost too my comfortable two room digs and moved into a small room with a gas fire on a meter and one bath a week. I quickly resolved to make a new home for myself. I proposed to my girlfriend. She accepted and added teacher training to her degree so she would have an income to support us both while I finished my training. 

    In those days we did not move in together. I had my evening meal in her flat. There were three other girls there. A year later we married. I spent the last of my inheritance on a small flat. At last I had a home. 

    Despite family gloom I completed my professional exams in short order and could earn a living. I had a home, I have had the same home ever since although we have move house many times. 

    for me the solution was establishing a home.

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    • Posted

      Ditto George, and almost word for word my own experience. As you say I think the key is establishing your own home with a fresh start.

      I had to laugh when you talked aout your flat which sounded so much like my own. It was a very small attic flat, and the only place for the bed was under a skylight window that leaked when it rained.

      If I wanted to go to bed and it was raining, I used to have to sleep with a pan strapped to my chest, and just hope that I didn't turn over during the night.

      The only form of heating there was came from a gas oven with no bottom in it, so when it was very cold I could not use the oven for anything else other than heating.

      Strangely I look back on those days with a great deal of fondness, because that small, wet, cold flat was my very own home.

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  • Posted

    Hi sue I am so sorry to read your story-my daddy died when I was 31 and I lost 13 years of my life and I wish I hadnt -my daddy was everything to me and I didnt have a great relationship with my mum....I have missed out on having a family and for that I feel truly sad and I have realised that my daddy would not have wanted me to do that-losing a parent is awaful but I believe you must tryand grab onto life and make very moment matter-I like you have suffered with depression most of my life and in 2013 had a significant episode and almost didnt make it.....but I did and I am so glad i am now trying to look at life differently I miss my daddy everyday but I want to love and to live-we are only here once and I think we need to try and make the most of it although I know how hard it is-I am on the right meds,chnaged my diet and started juicing lost 6 stone and I think I now know that life goes on even though at times it seems hard.....I dont know if this has helped. susie
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    • Posted

      Thank you for sharing your experience with me Susie, i appreciate it.

      I can tell it affected you deeply, as my loss does, and it is good to hear that things have got better for you.

      I have just come off and started some new antidepressants at the moment - I'm in that in-between stage so really raw at the moment.

      I hope one day I can feel that there can be some happiness in my life without my mum.

      Thank you

      Sue

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  • Posted

    hi sue I can totally appreciate where you are when I was really unwell i was terrified things were never going to get better but they will take it 1 day at a time and be kind to yourself and believe in you-you have no idea how a parents death is going to affect you-its unimagineable its like someone has ripped your heart out stood on  gave you it back and then ripped out your insides......you are left empty...the funera li think is like a big duvet of love around you  they are all there for your parent and then they are gone back to their lives and you are left alone lost sad and empty......I do believe there is somewhere after here and my dady is doing ok I know that he would want me to live my life and I am trying to do that....1 day at a time....keep talking time as they say is a healer and its true....susie
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