Lost, alone and slowly unravelling.
Posted , 4 users are following.
I feel like my life is slowly unravelling, I was diagnosed with depression a couple of years ago due to work pressures and marriage issues I was placed on Citalopram. After a few incidents at work left me feeling unappreciated and very overworked, I switched jobs which improved things for about 4 or 5 months.
Unfortunately my workload increased again substantially, which had a big affect on the depression. Also the new department manager took a very confrontational approach to our entire team which didn't help.
I've attended stress courses, CBT and the work occupational therapist to try improve things, however my wife asked me to move out and wanted a divorce. Absolutely heartbroken I found my own place and had to get furniture (which has ravaged my savings).
I'm currently going through a divorce which is taking its toll on me mentally, my wife wants half my savings even though she was in debt whilst we were married (which I paid off when we separated), she earnt a lot less and never contributed to any savings (we didn't have a joint account).
My work is starting suffer, though I don't seem to care about it anymore. I feel trapped in a job I no longer enjoy. I've lost all interest in things that I used to enjoy (when I try now, I cannot concentrate), I struggle to get up, I have no motivation and I'm now pretty lonely.
I've joined a few dating sites to try meet someone new but I find the women don't respond or are quite rude. Don't get me wrong, I've had quite a few dates from it but either there hasn't been any kind of connection or I just seem to get messed around. As a result my self esteem has plummeted, I feel worse now than before I joined the sites and I'm scared that I'm not going to meet anyone else.
At the moment I just feel completely lost and don't know what to do anymore, is there any advice from people that have been through anything similar? I hate feeling like this and want to get on with life!
1 like, 20 replies
adrienne13104 Matt_M
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Matt_M
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Thanks Adrienne, that really sucks that he has done that. I hope things work out for you! My separation was a real kick in the guts but with reflection it was the best thing that could have happened, I didn't realise how miserable I was with her until I got the space to see it. The problem I find now is that it is quite hard to get out there to meet people and make new friends, I think finding the time and a bit of anxiety act as big stumbling blocks for me. I don't think today has been the best due to the amount of snow that has been coming down which has prevented getting out of my flat to attempt to go for a walk.
Maryannn Matt_M
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Heyy matt hope you're well, i know what you are going through right now is tough but i don't think dating rating now is the solution, you're forcing yourself to feel something that isn't there you have to heal first you have to get your head together and grieve for a while till you are feeling better, then you will see the potential in people around you, people can't help you get better you have to want to on your own first. Remember this world is temporary so what you are going through right now is also temporary, you are going to meet someone who is meant for you when the times right. Jurt focus on yourself and pick up on a hobby even like jogging for 20 mins a day or 3 times a week to blow of some steam, exercising actually helps.
Matt_M Maryannn
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Hi Maryannn. Thanks for the response, it's been a strange one for me as I've had quite a few good days over the last 7 months and like this week some real shocking ones that have just floored me. I've never been much of a sporty person so I find it really difficult to keep doing exercise without getting bored, I do walk but its been put on the backburner during winter and I have noticed a definite downturn in mood since not doing anything overly active. I know what you are saying about the dating, I was just thinking the excitement of meeting someone new might have taken my focus off of being alone. I had never lived alone before so it has been a strange transition for me (and I've found that I do like my own space) I just miss having someone to talk rubbish with on an evening
Maryannn Matt_M
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Mary Ann
Matt_M Maryannn
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Thanks for you reply Mary Ann, I've felt a lot better this morning. After reading some of the other stories on the site it makes me think things aren't as bad as what others are going through. I'm still bloody lonely but I've managed to get up already and am even thinking about leaving my flat for the first time in a few days!
Matt
Maryannn Matt_M
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Maryannn Matt_M
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Matt_M Maryannn
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Thanks Mary Ann, I managed to go for a walk in the snow today for a couple of miles, so I felt really awake after that! I'm thinking not having to go to work helped a fair bit too, though it does feel like the low mood I've been in for the past week is eventually starting to improve. Maybe this time it won't dip again so quickly.
Matt
Maryannn Matt_M
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Maryannn Matt_M
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Matt_M Maryannn
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MF6699 Matt_M
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Hey Matt, um, I'm going to refrain from obvious advice giving or platitudes because that usually doesn't help. It sounds like you were very devoted to your wife and it seems like the divorce really turned your world upside down. It's completely understandable to feel lost, abandoned and disassociated or disengaged when someone who you care about and have shared a life with, leaves. And it sounds like you have proactively tried many alternative methods for relief, as you should, because you deserve to feel good. What I want to ask you is, what has helped you in the past to get you through tough times? And, prior to the divorce did you ever feel overwhelmingly depressed?
The only answer I really have is....Time. I have experienced this, not in the form of divorce but in the form of a long termed relationship that ended in my 20's that left me feeling...well all sorts of good and bad things. (this was over 4 years ago, he locked me out of the apartment, he stole my cats from me when he locked me out and claimed that I was not contributing to their vet bills so i didn't "deserve" to have them...) I won't go into further details but what I think what i've gained from the tumultuous breakup was in a sense, a feeling of owning my future and my decisions. And what happened in the process was learning to enjoy being alone again...when I was with him I lost a part of myself, I lost interest in things I used to love. I'm not sure if this will be a slow unraveling effect for you as it was for me, but it seems like you were a life support for her for long time. (correct me if I'm wrong). And maybe even in the future a sense of forgiveness to those who have hurt you (that took me a long time and Im still not really there...). -marissa
Matt_M MF6699
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Hi Marissa, thanks for your post. In the past I have been through a lot of things such as serious health operations, breakups, house sales and redundancy, somehow I just seemed to get on with things as I always had one strong element that was there for me. So if work was going wrong the relationship was strong and vice versa. In this situation both parts of my life was going down the tubes and I really didn't know how to cope.
It felt strange as I did support my wife through a whole bunch of things but as soon as it went the other way she wanted out. It's the first time I have ever lived alone so I am finding out that I do like my own space, I just really miss the whole having someone else around. The breakup as much of a shock as it was there was also a strange sense of relief (which I feel terrible for saying).
It sounds pretty horrible what happened to you though, how are you doing now?
Matt
MF6699 Matt_M
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Sounds like one sided love/partnership to me. If she ever loved you, she wouldn't ask for money or material items and just leave. I still don't understand people who do this...but it happens to so many people. They build a life and then...boom. This creates so much anxiety and trust issues for..anyone.
But I'm noticing you're speaking in the past tense..has you relationship with your job improved or are you looking for other prospects?
Oh, and well..I'm 28 and I have been through a series of relationships from 2014-2018 (today) since my breakup, like you I tried to find people..but each time.. once the going gets tough, they opt out. (I admittedly, have PTSD and mental health issues surrounding my own life so....the going is tough no matter what I guess and you convince yourself that you're a disease) I had someone tell me in 2017 that I try "love addiction" therapy. This sounded good to me at first, but then I wondered if I would be sitting in a room full of people who have systematically gone through and destroyed relationships, either purposely or subconsciously. I secretly didn't want to group myself into that category but it might be true, I don't know. Either way I never went. It's one part of life that I just dont think ill ever get right, and I guess doesn't really depend on my survival but it would be nice.
Matt_M MF6699
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Hi Marissa, Yeah my relationship has been over for the last 7 months. She said that we should remain friends but it just hurt too much and I've only spoken to/ seen her the once, which was pretty soon after things ended. Even though I was quite emotional it was still amicable and she said we should go our own ways.
Then after about 4/5 months, out of the blue she demanded money as a settlement or she'd go after my pension
All the time I was with her I tried my best to give us both a good life by getting nice things, paying for holidays. It wasn't until the divorce process started (which I had to pay for) that I realised how greedy and selfish she was.
My job has improved but that's mainly because I've stopped caring, I'm probably due for getting dragged in the office for a major chewing out (like what happened just before we separated) but at this point I'm just drifting along. I do want to switch roles, the problem is finding the motivation to get my CV/ work examples up to speed to get me another position. I know I will have to take a huge pay cut to do it but at the moment it has to be better than being miserable.
It sounds like you've had a rough ride of things though, I've never even heard of "love addiction" therapy, what is that meant to involve? I'm sure there will be someone out there that is perfect for you!
Matt
MF6699 Matt_M
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AH humanity, we sure know how to mess things up don't we?? Well, at least it ended not in a complete tornado...sans the pension scare..but hey, at least you have a pension.
Feeling stuck in a job is understandable. Feeling like you can't move beyond that job is even more understandable. Like momentum becomes cut off and it feels like our lives will never improve..been there, still there. I'm probably a more frivolous person than i ought to be, but I just don't know why I have to take my insides out for my country, everyday whilst the rich shake hands comfortably. Yet I do it. I have been playing music for over a decade and when I was younger I wanted to make that a livelihood (I know, same failed artist story everywhere) but I guess after I went to college for it and found out that I have to busk street corners just to pay rent, I went into a 9-5 business like everyone else. (my psychiatrist back in 2015 told me that I have to "join the real world like everybody else." which I still am disgusted by such a statement.) But this is a whole different trajectory of conversation than i meant to write. What I mean is that, you're not alone. Everyone seems slightly miserable in their jobs, unless they're doing something they really love or they're getting paid too well from an untapped market. It seems like there is no end to commodity.
So, no, misery isn't worth enduring, but Im not really good at practicing what I preach. I'm full of contradictions.
Anyway, forgive my expletives but your ex sounds like an a**hole. I hate to say it but I wish I had gotten anything from 5 years I was with mine. He pitched in for some things but all I got in the end was a script for pills I can't get off of and a lot of memories I wish I could forget.
I presume love addiction is self explanatory, you're addicted to love but the term itself is nebulous. I'm sure the subjective is akin to having any kind of mental disorder, PTSD or depression for example, and you might cope with life by tirelessly searching for someone to share your time with. That doesn't sound that bad as I explain it, it sounds ubiquitous and common but I also right now am having a distinct visual image of a monkey frantically searching on okcupid for their algorithmic match and crying.....
-M
Matt_M MF6699
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Hey Marissa,
I can't believe your psychiatrist said that to you, that is terrible! Was there any way to put a complaint in against them? I think it is very easy to get sucked in to the whole 9-5 thing, unfortunately it seems to expand outside of those hours too
I'd love to find an alternative option!
Sorry to hear about your relationship, 5 years isn't a short period of time and it sounds horrible that he chose to end things like that. I'm not sure how I would have dealt with being locked out of my home. That must have had a major effect on your well being, did he let you get your stuff?
On the love addiction, I don't see a real problem with wanting to find someone to spend time with and expect them not to mess you around, that said I think I might be the monkey in your example!
Matt
MF6699 Matt_M
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Hi Matt,
I'm having a really bad week so forgive the absence.
Yeah I tried to file a complaint against the board of psychiatry, but to no avail. That was 3 years ago so I can't imagine much has changed in the mental health care climate here, it's depressing. And yeah, I know, getting sucked into 9-5's is a common issue. It's not ideal but since we now have more govt rollbacks in the senate for wall street and big banks, I'm predicting another 2008 financial crisis here in the states....can't wait for that, so I guess there aren't many options.
I'm trying to remember that---now. No he didn't let me get a lot of things. The most valuable being my animals, I didn't care about the clothes and material things it was having to come home to my parents house and cry and miss having them around me and coping with the fact that i'd never see them again, that that part of my life was over-and knowing that I couldn't have had anyone to defend me against what happened.
As far as addiction and love in general....We're all the monkey. It's all an experiment.
Matt_M MF6699
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Hey Marissa, So sorry to hear that, it sounds like you've been through a terrible experience.
I hope you are starting to feel a bit better?
I was starting to improve though my motivation and mood seem to have crashed pretty badly today.
Matt