Lost and scared

Hi All,

my name is Rick, I'm 35 and have for the best part of 20 years i have suffered with a variety of problems, everything from uncontrollable rage and other emotions through self harming and rejecting loved ones to suicidal thoughts and attempts. Ive been to the docs on numerous occasions and each time been fed sertraline and told im depressed, or i have 'bi polar' symptoms. I have not been sent for a mental health assessment until now.

a little perspective. after 15 years of pushing her away i finally lost the woman i love. she had enough of me and im not surprised! I'm broken beyond belief, crying even more as i type. Its not just her but our children too and now im left alone in our family home. every day returning home from work to an empty house where my family used to be, where my life used to be complete. I dont think i have ever felt so alone. I have no friends, no one to talk to, nowhere to turn. I have nothing.

so I spoke to a very nice lady at the charity Mind, we discussed at length my issues that have effected me over the years, my reactions and feelings to situations etc and she suggested i may be suffering from BPD. so i did a bit of looking into it and it does seem feasible. I have an appointment with mental health for an assessment now so hopefully they can tell me more.

and so i find myself here, been here before when i first started taking the AD's the doc prescribed. Why am i here? honestly i dont know what im expecting or even what i want but just typing this is making me feel better. I cant help feeling lost, my entire life has been turned upside down and my reason for being has gone and now i dont know what to do. I dont know how i feel about this whole BPD thing either. In a way im kind of glad someone has taken the time to listen carefully to me and has thought more than just depression but at the same time i'm really upset they didnt do this before. if they are right this could have been dealt with years ago before i lost everything and that makes me feel worse!

i dont know how to feel. i feel lost, confused, angry, numb in parts, overwhelmed by everything i am feeling and that is making me scared. i dont want to kill myself, i dont want to leave my children behind to cope with my mess and the hurt it will cause them. i dont want to but i'm struggling to stop myself. every day it is the first thing i think about. i imagine myself hanging from the banister, or in the attic. I imagine someone finding me, has been several family members ive imagined find me, imagine their reactions, see their pain, makes me feel worse but just makes me want to go elsewhere so a stranger finds me not a family member, doesnt make me want to stop. what is wrong with me? why does the thought of my kids finding me dead not upset me like it should? I'm so heartless!

i just want to be ok. i always thought it was the weed that was messing my head up. when i tried to quit i got really bad with myself and couldnt cope with things. used it to mask the emotion and pain, to make myself numb for so long. i quit, i know hooray for me, trouble is now i am not numb, i feel everything, good and bad and its too much!

I'm trying to take one day at a time, weekdays arent too bad i have work to focus but when the weekend comes and ive nothing to keep me busy i struggle, a lot. i just sit thinking, mostly bad things, getting worked up and upset. I see my kids, they come to stay, but then when they go, like today they have gone home and i have cut myself again. needed to let some pressure out cos i was worked up. its just a vicious circle and i can only see one way out. i need help and im worried its not going to come soon enough, appointment isnt till 20th Jan! i need help now!

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