Lost and scared

Posted , 5 users are following.

Hi All,

my name is Rick, I'm 35 and have for the best part of 20 years i have suffered with a variety of problems, everything from uncontrollable rage and other emotions through self harming and rejecting loved ones to suicidal thoughts and attempts. Ive been to the docs on numerous occasions and each time been fed sertraline and told im depressed, or i have 'bi polar' symptoms. I have not been sent for a mental health assessment until now.

a little perspective. after 15 years of pushing her away i finally lost the woman i love. she had enough of me and im not surprised! I'm broken beyond belief, crying even more as i type. Its not just her but our children too and now im left alone in our family home. every day returning home from work to an empty house where my family used to be, where my life used to be complete. I dont think i have ever felt so alone. I have no friends, no one to talk to, nowhere to turn. I have nothing.

so I spoke to a very nice lady at the charity Mind, we discussed at length my issues that have effected me over the years, my reactions and feelings to situations etc and she suggested i may be suffering from BPD. so i did a bit of looking into it and it does seem feasible. I have an appointment with mental health for an assessment now so hopefully they can tell me more.

and so i find myself here, been here before when i first started taking the AD's the doc prescribed. Why am i here? honestly i dont know what im expecting or even what i want but just typing this is making me feel better. I cant help feeling lost, my entire life has been turned upside down and my reason for being has gone and now i dont know what to do. I dont know how i feel about this whole BPD thing either. In a way im kind of glad someone has taken the time to listen carefully to me and has thought more than just depression but at the same time i'm really upset they didnt do this before. if they are right this could have been dealt with years ago before i lost everything and that makes me feel worse!

i dont know how to feel. i feel lost, confused, angry, numb in parts, overwhelmed by everything i am feeling and that is making me scared. i dont want to kill myself, i dont want to leave my children behind to cope with my mess and the hurt it will cause them. i dont want to but i'm struggling to stop myself. every day it is the first thing i think about. i imagine myself hanging from the banister, or in the attic. I imagine someone finding me, has been several family members ive imagined find me, imagine their reactions, see their pain, makes me feel worse but just makes me want to go elsewhere so a stranger finds me not a family member, doesnt make me want to stop. what is wrong with me? why does the thought of my kids finding me dead not upset me like it should? I'm so heartless!

i just want to be ok. i always thought it was the weed that was messing my head up. when i tried to quit i got really bad with myself and couldnt cope with things. used it to mask the emotion and pain, to make myself numb for so long. i quit, i know hooray for me, trouble is now i am not numb, i feel everything, good and bad and its too much!

I'm trying to take one day at a time, weekdays arent too bad i have work to focus but when the weekend comes and ive nothing to keep me busy i struggle, a lot. i just sit thinking, mostly bad things, getting worked up and upset. I see my kids, they come to stay, but then when they go, like today they have gone home and i have cut myself again. needed to let some pressure out cos i was worked up. its just a vicious circle and i can only see one way out. i need help and im worried its not going to come soon enough, appointment isnt till 20th Jan! i need help now!

1 like, 5 replies


5 Replies

  • Posted

    So glad Rick you have managed to get the help you do need, after all this time. Some mental health issues are hard i know to diagnose so Health Care staff usually try different medications on patients for so long as you may be aware to see if they work to help the person. As you have children tou will be feeling awful please don't you acn't help the way you feel or act, it's not you.

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  • Posted

    oh how my heart aches for you! NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO GIVE UP though! At last you have a very feasible explanation for your suffering and the mental health assessment you should have been given a long time ago. Hold onto this hope and in time your children and woman will understand and be in your life, at least in some capacity. They too need time to believe that the help you require is out there. CONCENTRATE on getting this help and recovering and they will be watching closely even if you are not aware of this.

    Now is the time to ficus on you and your recovery. KEEP talking to MIND etc until you are under the correct supervision and medication. THIS IS the only way you can ensure you are doing the best by your family, for them AND for you.

    Keep us updated please.

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  • Posted

    HI! How are you doing? I posted a reply to you a day ago, as did someone else, but you don't seem to have been on here or replied. Really hope you are doing ok!


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  • Posted

    Hi Rick,

    Well done for finding some routine to functioning in your pain. Work is a good distraction for you & spending time with your children is a reason to live (i know you wish it was more time). When u can't find the motivation to live for yourself then u need to put all your energy into living for your children until you can find the hope for yourself again.

    We may not know u but u have been brave enough to share your heart with a forum of strangers & u have found people who do care about u & will listen any time u want to share.

    Be strong & please don't give up.

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