Lost my dream boyfriend, dream job and now very depressed and suicidal, I just want to go to sleep.

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Hi, I'm really struggling with my mental health. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I never saw my life going like this. But depression seems to be the consumption of my life and when things go right I make them go wrong.

I suffered with bad depression, suicidal thoughts and self harm at 17. I didn't want to be here any more. I managed to get my self out of this dark hole and moved away for university. This was my escape and my saviour. I promised myself I would never return back to my home town.

Unfortunately, at 19/20 I was involved in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship which damaged my outlook on forming healthy relationships, and struggled with opening up and intimacy as my past was used against me. At 20 I began a new relationship but was always so hesitant to commit and it became an on/off again cycle, with other people involved early on. By 21 we managed to work through this and begin dating again but I struggled more with my depression and anxiety and pulled away again. Finally, we worked through this again and we had the perfect relationship in my final year at uni whilst he worked and I studied. I made a promise to never return to my home town as feared my depression and bulimia would return.. This is exactly what happened, I was so unhealthy and depressed and pulled away from my boyfriend more who struggled with his own anxieties. We struggled with the long distance and conflicting work schedules, but both wanted to make it work as we had discussed a healthy happy future together including marriage and children. After many rejects from jobs in my university city and returning to my boyfriend, I achieved my dream job down in London, including working in domestic and international events and would have weekends off and a stable income. However, we had a negative conversation regarding my move to London and I became fixated on the negativity and held it against him, I felt so lost and lonely and was pushing away my, one true support and the support from his amazing family. We had so many plans for 2023, including holidays and celebrations. 2023 looked so positive for me, a new job and a better environment for our relationship to blossom and finally get out of the rut we found ourselves in.

In my first week I struggled to settle and we bickered more and more a bit tit for tat, and we were loosing sync with each other, in an emotional discussion I told him how much I was struggling but didn't want to loose him, but didn't know how to cope mentally and wasn't sure anymore. I was just lost and adjusting to my new life away from everyone and everything I'd once known. It was just very hard and draining. I just wanted him to call me for a change instead of texting and we both wanted to go back to how we were at university, it was so easy then. We never argued, just bickered like an old married couple! We both loved each other so so much and loved spending time with each other. When we were together we were fine it was just when we were apart.

I was just pulling away due to my depression and anxieties again instead of asking for help.

I then went out for a bite to eat with a male friend from university who was visiting London to see a familiar face (he had a girlfriend, I hadn't seen him for months, purely platonic) which I told my boyfriend about. This unfortunately tipped him over the edge and he broke up with me on the phone on the Thursday, he was meant to be coming down to see me on the Friday. I feel like he left me when I needed him the most.

I was so hurt and broken, and hated him for the first day but then tried to salvage my relationship but my now ex wasn't interested and we threw away our amazing 2 years together. I became depressed, couldn't focus at work, wanted to throw myself in front of the tube and lost 3st. I returned back to my home city as I couldn't cope with work and the loneliness of London and my boss was worried about me. But now I'm more depressed than ever, everyone is moving on with their lives and I feel like a complete failure. Everything I worked hard for, a stable relationship and a good job vanished in one month. And its like the last 4 years have never happened for me.

I have tried to reach out several times with ex and his family, called him and went to visit him, but it is now no contact, he said I made his life hell for 2 years and he wants nothing to do with me. I feel like he hates me, his family hates me, my friends and family hate me. I have no close friends, I don't feel like I belong anywhere or with anyone, I feel like a lost cause.

I did stupidly prioritised friends over my boyfriend at times which I never realised, and did take him for granted out of immaturity and insecurities, which I realised when I moved to London and promised myself I would put him first, but he never gave me the chance to.

I was so scared of losing myself in another relationship but now I have lost the love of my life, the person I felt safe with, a family I saw a future with, my dream job, and my escape from my own demons. I've also recently been diagnosed with suspected ADHD, BPD and obviously depression, this is no excuse but it does explain some of my actions within the relationship, we would joke about how I probably had ADHD and BPD but never took it seriously. My demons are now back worse than ever, I've had counselling and anti-depressant meds for 6 months but nothing is working and I have taken 3 overdoses. He called me once and said it was by accident but I don't understand how he could call me by accident when he has me blocked on everything.

Everyone says I'm doing it for attention, and I won't move on. But I physically and mentally can't, I have tried so much. I'm back in the dark place I once was at 16/17, I feel so lost and don't want to be here. I just want my life back, the life I had, the person I once was. I'm grieving all the adventures we once spoke about and the life that was in touching distance. I'm no longer living anymore, purely existing, waiting for death.

Everyone says things will get better and everything happens for a reason but no one understands it but me and I feel like I'm in a living nightmare that just won't end. I can't see any positives.

I used to be so scared of the dark and scared of dying but now its the only thing I wish for. I'm still here but I just want to go to sleep and to never wake up again, if there was a button that would do that for me, I would press it with no hesitation.

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2 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi gw27,

    We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments, then we apologise for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.

    If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help- contact your doctor or go to the emergency department at your local hospital to get some help.

    The Samaritans also offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.

    Their contact details are https://www.samaritans.org/ or call them on 116 123.

    You can also find contact details on our patient information leaflet here:  https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.

    If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.

    If you don't want to talk - you can text "Shout" to 85258 - they will also be able to help you.

    If you are based outside of the UK.

    The Samaritans is a UK based charity, but they also have suggestions for how you can access help in other countries.

    Please have a look at this pagehttps://www.befrienders.org/directory for worldwide numbers.

    Your doctor or the emergency department in your country is also a safe space for you.

    Kind regards,


  • Posted

    hi gw, i don't know what to say initially. you're clearly struggling, badly it seems? you seem self-blaming, have you stopped to think it could be his problem not yours. things seem awful to you. the only person who can put themselves out of a depressive state is the person who is depressed if they want to. question: never mind presuming what you can do, telling you what to do, explaining what's best for you, are they you? are they living your life? question again do you want to live, have you made plans to go somewhere else not on earth? have you made a list? have you told anyone? if so then please try to look after yourself for this moment, if not and you have tried to injure yourself and if you have cuts etc dress them and see how that feels? a day at a time.... take the minutes slowly, breathe and take it slowly.... how slowly doesn't matter BUT remember this it's all up to you.... i won't tell you anything, i don't know you but know that reaching rock bottom requires YOU and you alone to pull yourself up if that's what YOU want.... all up to you....

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