Lost myself

Hi, thank you for reply. I did used to drink every other day, but now its around once, twice a month. I think I'll be fine, just want to switch off & chill out but more often than not it causes chaos. It's as though I go into complete denial & forget what I've caused in the past. It's so selfish, but its difficult to stay strong all of the time when there are so many things worrying me, it calms me just for a couple of hours. I also suffer from physical pain that I've suffered for years. That is when the drinking got out of control, the only time I can't feel it. I've stopped relying on it for that reason now, it is now just for that couple of hours that my thoughts relax, the anxiety feelings in my stomach go for a while. But then I explode, black out. I know it is'nt worth those couple of hours but when I'm in that mode, I don't think about consequences. I just tell myself I'll be ok this time. I know it sounds ridiculous, feel ridiculous whilst I'm saying it. But that is what is happening at the moment. Volunteering, something I was doing & should go back to. However the thought of having to be around people at the moment just makes me feel even worse. I know my paranoia & anxiety will go through the roof so I'm avoiding getting back out there like the plague. People obviously ask questions about yourself & I can't stand it. I'm so tired of explaining why I'm in the situation I'm in. I suppose when I'm feeling like this, I lose all faith in human kindness & don't want to be around them. It just stresses me out, I get so nervous I can't do anything right, feel like I'm being laughed at, every word that comes out of my mouth, I'm thinking about it, during & afterwards. If that makes any sense. Its such as bizarre feeling. Especially when I was pretty confident, like I said I'm lost

Hi Ash, thank you for you reply. Usually after one of these episodes I will repeatedly message him, turn up on his doorstep & beg forgiveness. But this time I've apologised once via text & left it at that. It's happened too many times now, and I don't think another sorry is going to cover it. I don't think I can cope with a relationship at the moment. I have to deal with this alone. I'm angry about how this relationship makes me feel. The jealousy, paranoia, not feeling worthy, then this turns into anger towwards him. Dispite my depression there are some major issues we can't agree on, there is no compromise. It's his way or nothing so of course that makes me question his true feelings for me. Like a take it or leave it attitude. I have tried to explain how I feel but he does'nt seem to want to help me or he does'nt know how. Resentment has built up now & I can't see how there's any return from it. I'm unable to put any effort into us anyway. He's very sociable, I just want to hide away, he like's to drink which I obviously need to avoid. Going out, even cooking for him is just too much trouble for me. I know, how selfish. But it's like I try to get out of bed & someones pushing me back on to it. It really upsets me that I can't be who he wants me to be, a happy sociable girl that wants to slot into his life, home etc but I just can't do it. It's so fustrating. I don't know if I'd feel the way I do about these issues we can't compromise on, if I was able to think & feel clearly. Am I just dwelling, thinking the worst of everything, unable to take a risk on him, or is the relationship just wrong for me anyway. All I know is everything I wanted, marridge, house etc was there and I've pushed it away. Most woman would be straight off to the bridal shop, all I could think was I can't cope with family gatherings etc. What if he gets sick of me & throws me out of his house & I'll be homeless. It's awful & It has to stop. For his sake & my own. Thanks for the advice. It's such a relief to talk to someone. I hope you too have support for your issues and can find happiness. Here if you need to chat, vent some of that anger xx

Hi this doesn't seem to be a very fair relationship if he insists on having it all his own way and it is very telling when you describe it as slotting into his life!  What does he think you are - a key ring or something?

From what you say you have very good reason to be angry.  I would say this is less about you and your depression and more about him and his selfishness. 

Is he controlling and doesn't like you seeing family/friends either?  I could have go this all wrong so I apologise if I have,  x

Hi, thanks for your reply. To be honest yes there are reasons for my anger towards him. It's the way I deal with it that's concerning me. He is'nt at all controlling with me with seeing family/friends. That has been my own doing, recently isolating myself. The problem I have is he wants me to move into his house, which he lived in with his ex wife & kids. I want a place of our own, fresh start and some security of my own. But he won't consider it. I've explained due to physical illness that I also have, that where we live is'nt sutible for me long term. Even his house is'nt really sutible. Were Miles from anywhere, anyone that I know, when I really need support. So that doesn't help with me finding motivation to do things. I've just given up. However he has said he would be desperately unhappy if he had to move. Which I don't want to cause. So I feel like I'm only really any use if I do slot in with his life. It's all very difficult to explain. There are genuine reasons for me not being able to do as he's asked, I'm upset there's no compromise & I'm angry with myself, that I have all these problems preventing me.

As I'm writing this I know that this relationship just is'nt right & I really must move on. It is'nt going to change. I keep waiting around hoping he'll change his mind, which is causing even more fustration. I really need to concentrate on getting my head straight, finding happiness within myself again. God Knows how, but this situation is'nt helping. In an ideal world I'd be well, take a risk, move in, see how it goes, but I just can't do it. Which is'nt me, in the past my attitude was better to regret the things you have done not regret the things you haven't. But I've been through so much over the last few years, I'm already at breaking point as it is. Again I'm just answering my own question. If he is'nt prepared to change the slightest thing in order to be with me then how can I/ why should I take a risk when it's me with all these extra issues to deal with on top of. But the way I deal with things/ outbursts, I suppose I've frightened him from taking any risk also. Conclusion, it must end. Thanks again for reply, if you need to chat, get in touch x

Olivia, it's good that you are acknowledging the fact that his behaviour is selfish, but you are still putting far too much blame on to yourself. From what I have read he is acting abysmally. It's absolutely no wonder you are reacting so badly yourself. I think it is perfectly understandable. You already are in a 'vulnerable' frame of mind and he is only adding to your emotional trauma. Why should you be the one having to compromise and bend to his wishes all the time? Because quite frankly, that appears to be what he expects from your relationship. Where are his compromises? Where is his respect for your feelings and needs? Nowhere from what I have read. No I doubt he will ever change. And it has nothing to do with you. Stop blaming yourself right now!! OK!? No more excuses for him. Quite frankly I would give him a punch on the nose and tell him where to stick his needy demands! In an ideal world you would take a risk? No, ideally he wouldn't be pressuring you into something that clearly would make you unhappy! Oh, I am feeling so angry right now on your behalf!

I do think you need space and time to look after yourself without all the additional 'drama'. And I hereby 'validate' your feelings! Because I think you need someone to!

The very best of wishes Olivia. Take care xx

Thank you so much for your reply. I just can't think straight at the moment. That's probably why I'm stuck in two minds about the whole thing. There has just been so many other problems to deal with too and I'm worn out. What your saying I know deep down is absolutely right. I just wish I could make a decision, stick to it & not allow my blood to boil & handle it all wrong. It always makes me seem to be the bad one and the root of it is then just ignored. I wish we could come to an agreement that we could both live with. There are so many issues preventing me and he just won't take them into account, I've tried explaining, but I don't really get any reassurance or enough sense of security to commit. I just hope I'm not preventing myself from being happy in the long run because my judgment is clouded by all the other crap going on. Thank again x

Hi Olivia you are obviously very aware of what is happening in your relationship which is good. I understand what you are saying but I think you would have to have the patience of a saint or be a total doormat to agree to all his demands.  It's clear you aren't and can recognise his selfishness. 

I do think if he will not compromise then your relationship is doomed. I would also hate to live in an ex's house and I doubt whether you will find many people who would.  He needs to understand this and be aware that any relationship is 2 way and not just 1 way. 

I hope you find some answers.  x

It's that vicious cycle again is'nt it. Hating yourself for what you've caused, and wanting to forget just for a little while (with alcohol) and then without intentionally doing so making it all worse. I find it hard to forgive myself for what I do, I know others won't forgive or forget either, I feel like everyone knows what I've said, done and hates me. I feel like screaming I have a problem! Help me! Don't gossip & just come to your own conclusions about me. I'm not heartless, evil, I'm not well. But it does'nt work like that. People see what they want to see, I don't think most even try to understand, they have there way of dealing with things & can't understand how anyone else releases their problems so badly. Probably don't even see that there is actually an underlying problem, just a straightforward case of they think I'm a nutter. I'm not condoning my behaviour at all, I've had the same done to me & living in fear of someone is no way to live. So It hurts that I'm doing it to others. But I'm not myself or in control when I have these episodes. It really is'nt me. I would'nt dream of speaking to anyone like I do without being under the influence. I guess I'm answering my own question, stop drinking. If only it was that easy. If it was I wouldn't keep returning to the it. Your right, I do need to get some help. I try to help myself and control it but I can only go for so long before I'm going around the cycle again. Thanks again for your replies xx

Hi, Thank you for your reply. I really don't think I can this time, like I said things got personal, unforgiveable. He can't stand any sort of confrontation, so he won't be turning up at my door either. I can't blame it all on depression, I risked drinking around him, I'm not good at being open with him without it, so it all builds up eventually. He is no saint in all this either, surely he knows I'm not well, but I just feel last on his list of priorities. It is only going to lead to more resentment & another blow out. It really is best left, I need to sort my head out and this is just another pressure, he really does want everything his own way. I have tried explaining why I don't want to do all that he wants, valid reasons. But it makes no difference. With that in the background, I'll not get any better, just more wound up. Maybe I'll regret it in time but I just can't cope with it all anymore. At the same time I wish he could just feel for 5 minutes how I do, how guilty & sorry I am, and how I feel on a daily basis. Then maybe he'd get it and come to me for once to sort things. But that never happens, I have to do the sorting, or at least attempt it. I'm so tired of it, he must be too. The last couple of weeks I've felt at my lowest and I just haven't got the strength to try & sort it this time. Thank you for your encouragement, appreciate it. Good luck to you x