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My name is Dane, I just joined the forum a couple of minutes ago, because I'm looking for help with myself. I guess I'll just dive into this.
This will be a long post, so if you want to skip to the bottom where I will summarise my issues with a list, and just answer according to that list, go ahead. If you want to read a little background, continue reading.
My issues started back in Kindergarten, when I moved to a new city. Immediately after moving to this city, I was thrown into turmoil. In the school I had to attend as a mandatory, I was put in a class with kids whom were roughly 3-4 years older than I. The teacher I had was incredibly rude. At lunch, I had brought my own because I didn't like caf' food. I had an orange Scooby-Doo lunchbox that all the kids made fun of, so I wouldn't even set the thing on the table and eat out of it. Throughout that school year, I came across all kinds of undesirable teachers and peers. I was alienated at the end of it all.
That year was just the beginning.
School years 1-5 were okay, though they had their down moments. Most of the time the teachers would talk down to me and other kids would berate me.
In middleschool, things didn't improve. Same crap.
In High school was when things got worse. Y'know, cliques and whatnot. I didn't fit in any of these cliques/groups, not even the loners or nerds. Needless to say, I was alienated as always.
By the time my mother took me out of school, I had been held back twice and only had two friends.
These three years after that have been nothing but an avalanche.
A quick list of issues I've accumulated over these past three years:
-Complex PTSD (I often have nightmares about high school, among other symptoms)
-Manic Episodes (extreme bursts of anger are most prominent)
-Bouts of depression that come and go
-Suicidal thoughts (I've actually had these since 2011 or 2010)
-Self-loathing (I hate how I look, I hate my body, I hate my ugly face, etc.)
-Feelings of abandonment (I feel abandoned by my friends that haven't contacted me since I dropped out, and I feel abandoned from the people who tormented me)
Here's a few twisted things that run through my mind (I WOULD JUST LIKE YOU TO KNOW THAT I WOULD NEVER DO THESE THINGS, THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS)
-Homocidal thoughts (not necessarily wanting to kill everyone, only the people that do wrong in the world like rapists, child molesters, animal abusers, etc. It's more of a vindictive/vigilante thought process I suppose)
-Wanting to interact sexually with a few members of my family (They're all between 1-20 years OLDER than me by the way, I'm not some pedo. Furthermore, it's not like sister/mother crap or something, I'm attracted to HALF-Members of my family. Not like that makes it right, however.)
Anyhow, with the last one above, it's only partially my fault. When me and my half(?)-niece, whom is a year older than I, were alone in the house, we kissed and such. (We were only like ages 3-5 or something, so we didn't know any better) Anyhow, over the years the thoughts of that day have stuck with me and I've lusted for her since.
Eventually this lust would expand to include my half-sister (her mother) as well.
Yet at the same time, I legit HATE my half-sister and her side of the family(ths includes aforementioned half-niece) because they do nothing but mooch off of my mother for her money and stuff. And when they visit for a dinner or something, they don't really appreciate the hard work my mother puts into making the meal.
Now, most of these issues of mine have been addressed to professionals, and I have been on medication and have seen a therapist, but neither of these have helped.
They wanted me to take a med that's suppose to make me happy or something, but a side affect of that medicine is weight gain. I already weigh 260 pounds and I don't want to gain anymore weight, therefore I haven't taken that medication yet.
Okay, enough typing. I'm going to summarize my issues with a short list.
-Bouts of depression
-Complex PTSD (professionaly diagnosed)
-Feelings of abandonment and hopelessness
-Feelings of self-loathing
-Extreme outbursts of anger and rage (probably a part of the manic episodes)
-(Forgot to mention this) Extreme lazyness, though I do things when I have to.
-Meds have not helped, nor has therapy/counseling
I'm just a 19-year-old wanting to feel better, people. I haven't even been on this earth for twenty years and already I am filled with hatred, apathy, envy, bitterness, among many emotions. And I'm already done with this life.
Helpful advice is all I'm looking for, negative and derogatory remarks will only make things worse for me. I don't want hotline numbers. I don't want a SWAT Team at my door. Just helpful advice and understanding.
Thanks in advance.
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