Major Depressive Disorder with Generalized Anxiety

Hi, I just wanted to jump here and introduce myself. Just a little background about my condition.  I was diagnosed in 1994 with Major Depressive Disorder and put on Zoloft, Effexor, Wellbutrin, Celexa and a myriad of other depression meds.  I had the worst symptoms on any of the SSRI's and trycilics.  I can say my psyciatrist tried over 20 different meds. She finally put me on Remeron and that did the trick with the crying all the time, but it made me feel out of it.  I still had no energy, lost wanting to do anything fun, just kind of zoned out, but not in a horrible way.  At least I didn't have the nervousness of the other meds. I have always been a take charge of my life, but a divorce is what put me in a tailspin. I didn't handle it well at all. In looking back at some of the paperwork I realized about 5 years later that she had also diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety as well.  At that time, I was only taking the Remeron.  I got to where driving to work, I would have this horrible doom come over me, then the panic attacks started.  I don't remember her ever puting me on an anti-anxiety medicine such as Clonazepam or Lorezepam, and if so, I don't believe I really took it much if at all. I actualy had to quick work because I couldn't concentrate on my job.  I would get this ringing in the ear and and so overwhelmed that I would literally push myself away from my desk. I had my points to retire and the day after my retirement, I felt like a new person, no stress, no doom and gloom.  But that didn't last long.  I would get tingling in my head, my legs, shaky, trembling and myriad of symptoms.  I started looking up autonomic disorders and while I believe I had some of the symptoms, felling like I was going to pass out, very low blood pressure, etc. For years I did okay on the Remeron but during the last three years the anxiety has taken a toll. I read someones comment on here tonight that reminded me of myself.  Calling ambulances because it was hard to breath, feeling like if I stand too long, I would fall foward. Afraid to go to sleep as I might not wake up and die.  Last week it hit me so hard that I thought I was going to choke to death and that's when I sat down at 2 am and wrote my will. It was that real. I need to go back to therapy as I was seeing someone that I really liked, she was a good pyscologist, but I moved from that area.  I now cannot drive further than about 5 miles because the panic attacks start coming on.  I also read about everything doing dark.  My family doesn't get it. My Mom says exersize and you will feel better. Maybe so, but I have been so stationary for so long, it hurts to excersize. My new neighbors would come over or call and want to go eat, or go to the market and I just can't get the energy up for that. Did I mention really bad tingling in the head? I get very irrated at the smallest stuff.  Yesterday I was "just okay" I try not to take the Clonazepam that my GP prescribed unless I need it desperately, but today I was on the porch and noticed a huge limb had broken off a really tall hackberry and about to fall against my window as it is hanging by a thread. The anxiety was emmense. I hid this for so long with my family that it is becoming more difficult to hide it.  I am embarrased that I am not the strong person I used to be. I am trying to get in to see a psyciatrist again to see if the Remeron has actually stopped working as I've been on it for 20 years. One regular GP told me just to take more.  That would be 45 mg.  I try not to even take 30 mg as I have a dreadful fear of running out if I forget to ask for another prescriptin.  My regular doc did these DNA testing on me and my estrogen was really high, but my prog was almost non-existent. She has me on natrual supplements, for that but it really hasn't helped. I think I need a regular psyciatrist to tell me if the Remeron just stopped working and I should change as I am sure there are newer meds out. My GP mentioned seroquil, but I read that is also an anti-psycotic med. I don't believe I am psycotic, so I refused that one. The Effexor made me have a metalic taste in my mouth which was really wierd. The Remeron makes me not cry but it has always felt like I was just existing as a vegitable, no desire to go out and have fun, or to socialize with neighors. Any of this sound familiar?  I am really trying to find out if this is indeed Anxiety or some kind of accute stress syndrome, even PTSD? I am not bi-polar although I had one doctor put me on lithium.  I took it like 3 days.  My legs feel like they are crawlig with I get super stressed and they get really stiff. Just wondering am I on the right track with GAD symptoms. Thanks for reading and I'm sorry this post turned out longer than I orignally intended.  

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