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Making things worse for myself but don't know how to stop

Posted , 6 users are following.

fee25
fee25

I've been feeling so low for so long but, recently things have been an awful lot worse and I haven't been able to trust myself but, it feels as though everything I do either makes no difference or is making me worse! 

I do occassionally go out with friends, I did in fact go out this weekend but got incredibly drunk leading to an incredibly dark mood. I've been feeling so low today but have done nothing, even though my friend invited me to go see her. I said no but, feel like maybe I should say yes more to distract myself (though usually it doesn't really help so I have kind of given up). 

I don't have a job at the minute despite being a University graduate and applying for literally every job I see which, means my days are very empty anyway and the constant stream of rejection is getting me down. I know barely one person in the city I just moved to so it feels so lonely here and without a job I can't really meet anyone anyway.

I so do not help myself, even when I go to see my GP - though she knows a bit about what's going on I seem to drift out of my body and watch myself openly lie and say everything is ok - I do it to everyone, none of my friends or family know about the incident that set off my depression and nobody knows what's going on because I'm totally isolated. 

I used to self harm every day but the scars became so prevalent and I was worried people would see them, instead of stopping I now make myself sick instead after meals. More harm which leads to more problems. 

I think I really am self sabotaging and don't know how to stop - I did contact counsellors for help but I'm waiting to hear back and have been for the last month. 

Does anybody else see themselves spiralling but feel more as though they're watching these things unfold rather than living it? I'm so detached from reality and I can feel my body slipping as well as my mind now. 

1 like, 11 replies

11 Replies

  • Crazycat
    Crazycat fee25

    Posted

    Yes, yes and yes, you describe exactly how I have felt, I used to describe it as watching or being on a derailed train with no idea of speed, direction or when it would stop !

    All I know is for me it was a case of riding it out and grabbing anything to hold on to !

    I can guarentee that the " train " does stop and you can breathe again, in the mean time take and get all the help you can from anyone you can, give your GP all the info you can about your feelings and talk on here as much as you need :-)

    Hugs xxxxx

    • fee25
      fee25 Crazycat

      Posted

      It's such a strange feeling, very sort of surreal - especially when it goes on for extended periods of time I often feel like I'm tripping out on drugs or something! 

      Of course I am not! :P 

      I will try and speak to my GP more openly when I see her next, hopefully I won't buckle it on the day. 

      xxxxx

  • johneurope
    johneurope fee25

    Posted

    Hello fee25,

    I'm in a similar situation regarding job and also in a diff country were I know nobody,I would suggest joining a gym as it gets you out of the house for 1 and the exercising can only be good for u.I would go of the rails without it and it will also give you a chance to meet some ppl.my problem is the language barrier,anyway just a suggestion.are you on any kind of medication,I started 4 week ago and I'm starting to feel better everyday,you need to stop making yourself sick,that's not going to help your situation.two week ago I was feeling low and ended up drinking and back on the fags for around 4 days,big mistake,got proper down but managed to pull myself out of it.I would stress to anybody reading this,if your feeling low the last thing to do is hit the bottle.Basically what I'm trying to say is stay strong an you will pull through.Take care

    • fee25
      fee25 johneurope

      Posted

      I did consider joining the gym actually, it's just expensive so I wanted a job first but it's a vicious cycle! I used to swim a lot and wanted to restart that but, the scars on my arm mean I have to wear long sleeves all the time so I can't really do that. 

      I'm glad your meds are helping you, I can't imagine how hard it would be to start over in a new country! Difficult but maybe refreshing at the same time which, is good. 

      That's the problem with drinking, it seems like a good idea at the time but makes you feel so, so much more low - and adding to that, makes me feel as though I have the strength to follow through on something more dangerous. Definitely would steer clear! 

      Thank you for your reply

    • johneurope
      johneurope fee25

      Posted

      U never mentioned if u r on any medication,if not maybe u shud give it a go an if u still have it in u to get up an get out of the house in the morning I wud defo go for a walk at least because if it gets to the stage were u can't be bothered to get outa bed,its a nightmare,it got a grip o me an it was horrible,exercise an plenty o water does help also watching something funny,celebrity juice for example on YouTube does it for me lol bye
  • michelle87265
    michelle87265 fee25

    Posted

    It's does get better, have you not been advised about other therapies that are out there. As hard as it is you need to try and pull yourself out, CBT should be an option, it's hard going but worth it when you feel better. I know it's a cliche try thinking of something positive. I started keeping a positive data log. Hard I know but you will get there, say safe 😃
    • fee25
      fee25 michelle87265

      Posted

      I haven't really been talked through other therapies to be honest, it was more of a "go and see these people" piece of advice so, I can't say I know much (if anything) about what else there is out there. I honestly don't think I would have much to write in a positive data log! Aha, but I'm glad it's helping you, I should really try and be less cynnical and be more open to these things! It seems as though CBT does in fact help an awful lot of people from what I have heard. 
  • nick21824
    nick21824 fee25

    Posted

    Hi, the first thing you need is find someone to confide in, someone you trust completely and let it all out, warts and all. a problem shared is a problem halved as they say. trust me you will feel better. while you wait for professional help, seek out some activities, the gym, walking etc, only 20 mins a day to start with and build on it

     

    • fee25
      fee25 nick21824

      Posted

      I really don't have anybody that I can talk to, a few months ago I did try speaking to somebody and it went dreadfully wrong - the friend was incredibly inappropriate and because of that we no longer speak. I'm very much done with opening up to people that I know in my day to day life now, as I see it, it's none of their business. Which, does not help the loneliness at all! But I just can't bring myself to try again sad 

      I think the exercise is a good idea, getting out of the house in general would probably be a good idea. 

  • susan45954
    susan45954 fee25

    Posted

    I myself suffer from depression. There have been times when I wanted to swallow a bottle of pills. I don't b/c in the end, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Are you in meds? I am on 10 mg of Citalopram.

    • fee25
      fee25 susan45954

      Posted

      Hi Susan, I'm glad you manage to fight the intrusive thoughts. I'm not bothering with AD's at the moment, I take some meds for my anxiety but, I don't know that I want to start on AD's as it won't change my actual situation and I also wouldn't want to become reliant on them - also with the fact that I make myself sick I could end up not taking them properly etc. 
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