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This is the first time I've ever turned to forums for help and advice but I'm running out of things to try and really need some advice from people who are probably going through similar things to me, so here goes ....
Initially my dr diagnosed me with depression but through various trips to the Drs, researching myself online and going to see a therapist I've figured out its anxiety I suffer from which can lead to me feeling depressed of it last for long periods of time but definitely stems from anxiety. It affects me in many different ways and i guess what I'm looking for is ways to tackle or even manage these "episodes" or feelings better. I've tried to break them down into different areas;
Feeling like a bad mum/girlfriend/friend/daughter :
I get overwhelming feelings that I am the worst person in the world. Whenever I am having an anxiety episode it's like all of a sudden I have no patience with my little one. He's 2 and a half and is honestly my whole life, I make him the centre of my universe and spend so much time with him but when I'm anxious I just want to be alone and to lie in my bed with my eyes closed so I end up snapping at
Him when he's really just being a 2 year old. This then leads to me feeling guilty as hell to the extent I doubt my abilities as a mother when everyone who knows me actively comments on how good I am with him. I also withdraw from my partner and am just consumed with doubt that he's going to leave me. He tells me constantly he's not going to leave but my anxiety just takes over that and doesn't believe him. this then means I can't act myself with him as inside I'm overthinking and analysing every single move he makes, every word out his mouth and take everything the wrong way. This obviously drives a bit of a wedge between us which then reinforces my negative thoughts and drives me further into my shell, it's a vicious circle.
The next part relates to comparing myself To other people. I've actually had to delete my Facebook as every time I see someone post a picture of them self, I compare my make up
To theirs, my figure to theirs, my house to theirs etc and it got to the extent it made me so self conscious and unhappy with my own self and life I couldn't cope. It's almost like I can't be happy for other people doing well, which is horrible as that's not like me at all. If someone adds a picture and their make up is gorgeous and they've lost loads of weight and are doing really good for themselves I get so angry and jealous that I'm not that good at make up, or I'm not as skinny as them or that my house isn't as big as theirs etc and I obsess and obsess so much it overtakes my life. Deleting Facebook obviously stops me comparing to people online but when it comes to social events and I see people in person it's exactly the same. I've stopped going to so many things with other couples we know as they're all prettier and skinnier than me an are all really confident and I feel like a total embarrassment for my partner sitting next to all these beautiful thin girls when I'm just a chubby self conscious mess who is sh*t at doing hair and make up, and has no really fashion sense. I feel like the whole "Facebook generation" thing has totally meased with my head and whole way of being. I've always been a bit self conscious and never the most confident of people but I had a certain who gives a f*** attitude and that's why my partner initially actually found me appealing, I seemed different to the Norm. And now that's almost the exact reason I feel so rubbish, it's crazy!
The next part is a bit strange ... My partner has a daughter who is 9 in December and she was 2 years 8 months when I met her so she doesn't even remember a time without me. My partner and her mum split up when she was about 2 months old but he has had her 2 or 3 times a week ever since then. I find when my anxiety flares up I have a ridiculous need to compare myself to her. I check her Facebook and always want to know what she's doing, what she looks like what she's wearing etc, it's literally so bad. We never see each other as live a bit apart and move in completely different circles so I never have to see her or talk to her or anything but it's like there's such a stigma about her to me I want to know if she's a good mum, and if she has a nice house, and how skinny she is, and how often she spends time with the little one etc etc. And every time I do it I feel utterly crap as she is gorgeous, tall and slim, had amazing thick long hair, had a great social life ... Seems to always have loads of money buying things and doing things, and I resent her and don't even know why. I barley know the girl.
Anyway these are the 3 main things that affect me day in day out and they are all getting so much for me I feel I can't cope much longer. Can anyone give any help or advice surrounding these areas, why I'm feeling like this, is it common with anxiety sufferers? What can I do to try and diffuse these feelings and manage it all better?
Thanks in advance really hope someone can share some advice.
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