Married to Depression

So, I've only been on this site a few weeks, and you all are amazing.  I love the discussions, and how we all get to speak up for each other. 

This is just a venting post. If you really hate whiners, don't read on .  Of course, as always, advice is welcome

I am married to a depressed person.  I have struggled with depression off and on myself, but most of my life, the depression sank in periodically, when alone, but was nothing to speak of much.

My spouse struggles from addiction (tobacco, porn), depression, anxiety, OCD, ADHD, and maybe bipolar... the jury is still out depending on the doc.  Our marriage was suffocating. If he was ever at home, he was only sleeping, or locking himself in the bathroom to use tobacco and play on his phone.  If he did get out to eat, I was frequently hiding in another room with the kids to avoid the "tornado" that is my spouse.  I would burst into tears and my three year old would get me tissues and comfort me.  Makes you feel terrible as a parent that you can't hold it together for your kids.

We went to marriage counseling.  It helped while we were there... somewhat.  During that time my spouse also threatened suicide, punched holes in the wall, etc..... but an amazing thing happened during the time we were in counseling.  My spouse got treatment - medication!  It was still challenging, but our world changed.  I had my spouse "back", at least 70% anyway, which I was grateful for... and then?  6 months later, the doctor took him off of the medication due to side effects, and said come back in a few months and we will talk about what to do next.  ... a few months? I'm dying over here.

Since being married, my mild depression of the past has been on a slow float downward. While my spouse was being treated and going through a lot of changes, I was able to pull my head out of my butt and just be self-sacrificing.  I knew that is what he needed... me to shut up about any problems, and just serve him.  I felt like it was my responsibility in his healing process.  I lasted awhile, but you can only last so long with your spouse being checked out, when they are around only sleeping and getting angry if the tiny kiddos make noise, never lifting a finger to help, and snapping at you and blaming you for all of their problems. 

Anyway, I myself have been trying to get out of this hole of depression, quietly, without complaining... and I just can't caudle a grown man anymore. Instead I try to keep my distance and my mouth shut. 

It sucks being lonely, walking on egg shells... I guess I'm just holding my breath until they can try another treatment.  The problem is, when he isn't on meds, he thinks he is fine, that he does everything right, and that he is "well".  He thinks that his behavior of never being home, and not being around his wife and kids when he IS home, is normal.  That he "earns" it or is "entitled" to act that way, because he earns our primary income. He thinks that his depression is my fault, and that he's just miserable because he is married to me.  Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that he puts food on our table and a roof over our heads.  I am.  I have a full-time gig too though, as well as do 100% of housework, bills, kids, etc.  I'm happy to do 90%, I just thought that marriage would be a little more of a partnership, and a little less of being a caregiver for a grown man.

Maybe it is my fault he acts the way he does.  After all, I'm not extremely empathetic, and I'm coming on an internet forum of strangers to vent.

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