Massive Anxiety: sexual repression or hodc?

I am a female of almost 23 years olds, and I'm freaking out by what I have been feeling, and just today I saw a post by a girl whose situation maybe similar as mine so I decided to make a post myself

I have been reading and trying to find out what is happening to me, I feel so anxious and nervous all the time, a bit like crying too. I came across what people call HOCD and I do not know if that maybe is happening to me or if I am a lesbian and cannot accept it, hence why I have been so freaked out lately.

I read that people with HOCD have always been straight and out of the blue they have homosexual thoughts. I have considered myself somewhat straight all my life, but now that I am overanalyzing everything I can recall some things. 

Since childhood I have always had crushes on boys, whether real life friends/classmates or in movies. I normally feel attracted to men, but recently I have been feeling so confused. I went to a dance club last week, and felt so uncomfortable surrounded by men who where only trying to hit on me or to touch me in some way. My sudden rejection of men made my question if I ever liked them all along, or whether I am into girls, but I cannot tell. I have always had some "girl crushes" with famous actresses for example, or  when walking in the streets I find some girls to be very beautiful. But I have always thought there is a component of admiration rather than attraction. I have always had low self steem so when seeing a beautiful woman I immediately compare her to myself. I mean, for example if her eyes are pretty, I wonder why my eyes are not like theirs, or her hair, or face, for example. When seeing famous celebrities that are beautiful, I think of being their friends or being like them, but not being with them. Another thing I remember is that back in high school I had a girl friend whom I found very attractive and I admired her because she was everything I wanted to be, not shy, outgoing, funny, etc. I began questioning whether I actually liked her or not because I started feeling nervous around her and thought I might actually liked her. But then I felt uncomfortable when I tought she was feeling something similar towards me, because she looked at me a lot and because of her behaviour. Then I distanced from that relationship. Sometimes when I am in company of beautiful girls I feel anxious or nervous, and a bit intimated and reminded of my own flaws. Sometimes when I dress for parties for example, I like that girls tell me that I look good because I get that feeling that I am finally up to the standards of what it is to be pretty. But when they start hitting on me I get really uncomfortable, but I don't know if this may be just a sign of repressed feelings and I am into them too! I have tried to picture myself being intimate with a girl, and at first I couldn't finish through the visualization. When I could, it felt no better than a visualization with a guy. I have had few lesbian dreams and from what I can recall, there was one where I girl tried to kiss me and altough I was curious, I felt terrified the moment she did it. I do not feel anything about boobs either, I do feel a bit uncomfortable because I do not like seeing other people naked. If anything, I would kiss a girl just out of curiosity. 

I don't know what got me but I don't feel the same as before with men. I am incapable of finding guys attractive, and if I do, I would think it is just some form of device my mind is using to cover my possible attraction to girls.If I ever find a guy attractive, I do not get the immediate want to kiss them or anything (is this normal even for someone straight?). From the beginning of the year I think I have been liking a guy. I do not see him as often as before so I think that is the reason I do not like him anymore or the same as before, but then I start to think that I never liked him in the first place and it was just me trying to force my attraction to men. I still want to tell him how I feel/felt, but I am afraid that if things get physical, I won't feel anything at all! And maybe I am afraid to being with a girl too because I may like it. Some days I think I would be okay with being a lesbian, but then I do not because that is not how I have pictured my life! I have always thought of being with a man by my side in the future, if I ever have a family. And being a lesbian would crush my vision of my future life. I have tried imagining how it would be to be in a relationship with a girl but I just don't like the idea. I respect a lot the LGBT community, and I have a lot of friends who are part of it and I support them entirely. But now that I feel that something may be happening to me I just can't help but to feel out of control.If anything, I think I would be okay with being bi, but I am so scared of not being attracted to men anymore. I am very sad because I have never had a boyfriend and started wondering if the reason I have not had one yet is because I am not attracted to them. But then I think I may be scared of intimacy alltogether, because I have always been a cold person and I regret my first and only time with a guy. I was drunk and although I told him I was a virgin, he didn't care and we had sex anyways. In that moment I wanted to have sex with him too but a couple weeks later I regretted that. And I seriously cannot tell if I felt something or nothing at all as to have a reference if I like to have sex with guys.

I have anxiety/depressive issues since I was like 15-16 so I do not know if this may be a part of it or what. I took clonazepam yesterday because I was literally out of my mind. Today I am calmer but the thoughts are still there.

I am so self-aware right now that I question why I check every person I check out down the streets. If I am checking men out I wonder if I am actually attracted to men or when looking at women I wonder if I had always been attracted to them but repressed that feeling by forcing me to like men somehow.

Thanks for reading and sorry for the long post.

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