Posted , 2 users are following.
Hi, my question is related to wether I may or not have Borderline Personality Disorder. Before going into more detail, I know I can simply get a diagnostic but i haven't talked to anyone about this because I'm afraid they'll either tell me it's from my head or won't believe me.
First of all I'll talk about my childhood since after researching I learned that it may come from childhood experiences even though I don't think mine was a bad childhood. ever since I knew, my father was an alcohoolic, He never hit my mother, but he was always angry at everyone, he came back home late and sometimes after arguing with my mother she'd take me away from home to my aunt's house for the night, these are the only memories I have from that time. He stopped drinking years later, because of a liver disease, meanwhile my 2 siblings were born, and ever since he started drinking again, not that I'm 19 now, it's been about 15 years since this last happened, whenever it does, I get this strange feeling, like my subsconcious remembers this happening even though I have few memories.
As I grew up between the time he stopped drinking until now, I always had a good childhood, my parents both showed me love, I have a loving family and I made many friends. That's why I say it was not that bad of a childhood despite that with my father...
Since my 16 years, I've had anger issues, sometimes my little brother (11yrs now) comes to talk to me about something and I just act like I don't want to hear him, I have no patience for him, I just tell him to go away and immediatly as he leaves the room I feel so bad and think to myself ''why did I do that?'' but I don't even go to apologize, I just stay there feeling bad until it goes away... Same thing with my mother, I have patience to talk to her, she's the one with whom I share almost everything, but sometimes I just talk loudly at her and treat her badly, and feel bad afterwards...
I get annoyed by little things, I feel like I'm always on edge. I had a 3yr relationship, it was my first and only ( starting at 16 and ending 2 months before today. I loved her more than anything, I got too attatched, I'd do things I never thought of doing whenever I felt like I was loosing her. I was jealous of everything, I got so angry at her sometimes, I never hit her, but I'd grab her by the arm or hurt her unintencionally while trying to pull her to me whenever she backed away. We'd argue so bad sometimes that we ended up hugged in tears and asking why we were like that, this was always like that the whole three years. Whenever we argued I'd feel like I hated her.
Sometimes I get so sad for little things I end up crying but 5 minutes later it's like it never happened. Sometimes the inverse happens, I'm sad and randomly have a happiness and confidence boost that lasts 30 minutes until I feel sad again. Whenever I think about my life I cry, wether I'm thinking of good events or bad events. Always.
I also feel anxious when I text someone, I always check to see if they're responding, if they've seen it and if they don't reply back rather quickly I start to think they ignored me or don't want to talk. I never text someone first, I'm constantly posting my feelings on twitter and snapchat in hopes of getting attention and if no one says anything I start to think no one cares. I have a need for attention, Whenever I post a photo on instagram, my day depends of the likes I get, if I get many I think that I'm good that day, I no one likes it I start to think that I'm ugly. My opinion about myself is based on other people...
When I meet someone, I may share every detail with them even thought I trust almost no one and don't like people knowing about my life. I have trust issues. I sometimes want love and affection, but other times I just want to be alone and for no one to talk to me.
I am so sensitive, whenever I feel like someone is backing away from me I feel so strange and freak out.
I feel like everyone around me might randomly abandon me. I feel like people forget me easily and I always feel like everyone's better than me, whenever my girlfriend at the time talked to anyone else of the opposite sex I'd freak out she'd cheat on me or leave me for that person even though I trusted her, or thought I did, and whenever I talked to a girl and she'd get angry I though she was just being stupid because it's perfectly normal.
I have chronic feelings of emptiness, loneliness and I'm always bored when I'm alone. I only feel normal when I'm with friends. And with friends sometimes I feel left out. I act differently acorddingly to the people I'm with. When I'm alone, I have a constant voice ( my voice ) narrating what is happening like it's a movie, I talk to myself, but only in my mind, I never speak out loud.
I had a pneumothorax last year and ever since, in class or with friends I feel the need and fake a pain just to get attention, and feel so bad for doing it.
What's wrong with me? do I have BPD or am I just sad for something?
2 likes, 10 replies