May I have BPD?

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Hi, my question is related to wether I may or not have Borderline Personality Disorder. Before going into more detail, I know I can simply get a diagnostic but i haven't talked to anyone about this because I'm afraid they'll either tell me it's from my head or won't believe me.

First of all I'll talk about my childhood since after researching I learned that it may come from childhood experiences even though I don't think mine was a bad childhood. ever since I knew, my father was an alcohoolic, He never hit my mother, but he was always angry at everyone, he came back home late and sometimes after arguing with my mother she'd take me away from home to my aunt's house for the night, these are the only memories I have from that time. He stopped drinking years later, because of a liver disease, meanwhile my 2 siblings were born, and ever since he started drinking again, not that I'm 19 now, it's been about 15 years since this last happened, whenever it does, I get this strange feeling, like my subsconcious remembers this happening even though I have few memories.

As I grew up between the time he stopped drinking until now, I always had a good childhood, my parents both showed me love, I have a loving family and I made many friends. That's why I say it was not that bad of a childhood despite that with my father...

Since my 16 years, I've had anger issues, sometimes my little brother (11yrs now) comes to talk to me about something and I just act like I don't want to hear him, I have no patience for him, I just tell him to go away and immediatly as he leaves the room I feel so bad and think to myself ''why did I do that?'' but I don't even go to apologize, I just stay there feeling bad until it goes away... Same thing with my mother, I have patience to talk to her, she's the one with whom I share almost everything, but sometimes I just talk loudly at her and treat her badly, and feel bad afterwards...

I get annoyed by little things, I feel like I'm always on edge. I had a 3yr relationship, it was my first and only ( starting at 16 and ending 2 months before today. I loved her more than anything, I got too attatched, I'd do things I never thought of doing whenever I felt like I was loosing her. I was jealous of everything, I got so angry at her sometimes, I never hit her, but I'd grab her by the arm or hurt her unintencionally while trying to pull her to me whenever she backed away. We'd argue so bad sometimes that we ended up hugged in tears and asking why we were like that, this was always like that the whole three years. Whenever we argued I'd feel like I hated her.

Sometimes I get so sad for little things I end up crying but 5 minutes later it's like it never happened. Sometimes the inverse happens, I'm sad and randomly have a happiness and confidence boost that lasts 30 minutes until I feel sad again. Whenever I think about my life I cry, wether I'm thinking of good events or bad events. Always.

I also feel anxious when I text someone, I always check to see if they're responding, if they've seen it and if they don't reply back rather quickly I start to think they ignored me or don't want to talk. I never text someone first, I'm constantly posting my feelings on twitter and snapchat in hopes of getting attention and if no one says anything I start to think no one cares. I have a need for attention, Whenever I post a photo on instagram, my day depends of the likes I get, if I get many I think that I'm good that day, I no one likes it I start to think that I'm ugly. My opinion about myself is based on other people...

When I meet someone, I may share every detail with them even thought I trust almost no one and don't like people knowing about my life. I have trust issues. I sometimes want love and affection, but other times I just want to be alone and for no one to talk to me.

I am so sensitive, whenever I feel like someone is backing away from me I feel so strange and freak out.

I feel like everyone around me might randomly abandon me. I feel like people forget me easily and I always feel like everyone's better than me, whenever my girlfriend at the time talked to anyone else of the opposite sex I'd freak out she'd cheat on me or leave me for that person even though I trusted her, or thought I did, and whenever I talked to a girl and she'd get angry I though she was just being stupid because it's perfectly normal.

I have chronic feelings of emptiness, loneliness and I'm always bored when I'm alone. I only feel normal when I'm with friends. And with friends sometimes I feel left out. I act differently acorddingly to the people I'm with. When I'm alone, I have a constant voice ( my voice ) narrating what is happening like it's a movie, I talk to myself, but only in my mind, I never speak out loud.

I had a pneumothorax last year and ever since, in class or with friends I feel the need and fake a pain just to get attention, and feel so bad for doing it.

What's wrong with me? do I have BPD or am I just sad for something?

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10 Replies

  • Posted

    Also I forgot to mention I have a drinking problem like my father, whenever I go out I drink until I can't see anymore, and go home late and drunk and feel bad the day after, but I repeat it anyway...

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  • Posted

    Hello friend,

    Thank you for sharing. I can really feel and even see the pain and suffering in your life. You and I are very much alike in many ways. I'm not saying you have BPD (and neither should anyone other than a professional diagnose you with anything) but we can discuss all the similarities and commonalities we share. I completely understand where you are coming from. And you did such an awesome job expressing and explaining all the mental and physical stuff that's going on. I really struggle with wording everything and just overall expressing myself.

    I have been diagnosed with a few things, border personality disorder being amongst the few. And you are very right in going back into your childhood for clues because that's where it all begins.

    It sounds like you are carrying a lot of pain (like myself) from childhood. A dysfunctional childhood will do that. I know you said you didn't really feel like your childhood was that bad but it is quite clear there are some suppressed memories deep inside of your brain, that it really would be of huge help to speak to a professional. BPD is so easily managed if you understand and know exactly what's going on. It will take time but I believe you have what it takes, to put in all the hard work.

    Coming to terms with this all and accepting that this is what happened is the very first step. You're already on the way. You are very clever and wise for someone your age (and I mean that in the nicest way possible).

    Please don't feel like you are a bad person or there is something wrong with you. Because there most definitely isn't anything wrong with you, you're just in a lot of pain and you are starting to come to terms with it all, slowly. It's very hard, almost impossible living with BPD when you have no support, no understanding of what's going on and you continue to live with anger and negativity around.

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    • Posted

      My page keeps reloading so I have to send you my message in pieces. Apologies also for the lengthy reply. I'm very passionate about helping those with BPD because I've lived with it all my life, in one of the most challenging and unhealthy ways. I've seen what it can do to you when left unattended to. I've seen what it can do to your health and life overall if you just leave it.

      So without trying to frighten you, because you might very well just need a good psychologist to have a chat to, you might not even have BPD, but the first step is already conquered buddy. Now it's time you reach out for some professional help and let us be your support.

      We are one big loving family on this site. Each with their own story, their own pain, but never ending love and wisdom for one another.

      Sending you positive and healing energy x

      Elly

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    • Posted

      P.S. You mentioned crying. Crying is good when we have so much pain inside of us. Don't be afraid to let it out. That pain needs to come out of somewhere. Crying and talking about it is the best way to deal with it.

      Your counsellor or medical professional will give you some easy, li able lifestyle tips to be able to get a grasp of it all.

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    • Posted

      Thank you so much! I'm overall a very positive person, I know there's always a solution for everything, but this is the only problem I couldn't solve and struggle with. I'm definitely going to see a doctor as soon as possible to get this question out of my head. Regarding your last pharagraph, I actually do feel like a bad person, I treat others around me so badly and I can't just accept it and blame a disorder for it, but I can't also blame myself because I deeply know I don't do it on purpose...

      I talked to a psychologist before, ( Without remotely even knowing about BPD ) and we never got to any conclusion about my feelings and emotions. She did indeed help me carry on with my life and be more positive about myself, but I still feel empty inside.

      Music also has an extremely important role in my life, it's the only way I find out of this mess, at least while it's playing. But sometimes I feel like I hear so much music that my emotions are so much more intense because of it.

      All in all, I just want to know if I do have something and want to find myself. My dream is to be a great photographer and I express myself better trought pictures, but I fail so miserably into working for my dream... I rarely leave my home to take some pictures. I hate being photographed and the only way I feel good is behind the camera. which in someway relates to reality, I don't like to appear, I feel safe when I'm hidden...

      Anyway, thank you so much again for your reply.

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    • Posted

      I could honestly talk and listen to you for hours I relate to you more and more as you share and am highly pleased with how aware you are of what's going on!

      I'm 28 now, but when I was a teenager I started tonabuse drugs. This went into my late twenties and I am now in recovery. It's a lifelong battle. But it was a way (a bad way) to deal with the pain and darkness I felt inside 24/7. I only did things that made it worse for me and recovery took years.

      Without spending too much time talking about me lol my hardest and darkest times were my teens and probably right through to about 23.

      So you're going through the worst and hardest if it now. It will get better. So much of what you're feeling and thinking you will naturally just grow out of and some things you won't even remember.

      I am convinced you aren't a bad person because it is clear that you are acting out of pain and confusion. There is a huge difference between an ill hearted person doing bad things and someone who is dealing with lots of pain and is at their wits end and feel alone and scared all the time. There is a difference with treating someone poorly or making a mistake (we're only human unfortunately jokes) because you struggle to express the pain and anguish and that of a bad natured person in general. You are FAR from bad my friend smile *hugs*

      You've suffered throughout your life, you've had a difficult time growing up and now you are carrying all those painful experiences and memories deep inside of you. You need love and compassion!

      I had to see a few different shrinks before I found the one who helped me to get to where I am today. It's just a process you kinda have to go on if you want help. When I found there were different therapies I could do that helped target different aspects of your life etc, I was able to find the right therapy and therapist for me. My first psychologist was a cognitive therapist. She basically focused on my symptoms like anxiety, and would give me tools and techniques to use in my everyday life to help. She helped write up a healthy and doable routine. Things of that nature. This helped me in a way, but I needed more! But at the time I just did not know what it was that I needed from a therapist or life. I started to think and feel that perhaps medication and therapy wasn't the path of recovery for me because I felt the same if not worse. I needed someone to go right back and dig deep. I needed someone to go right back to the start. My childhood, my parents and home/family life. I needed and wanted someone to pick me apart, tell me what I had and what I could do moving forward. I didn't care for breathing techniques. I was far beyond that point. Especially after I was kidnapped sad

      I needed and wanted someone who could dissect my every thought. I've always been such a deep and dark thinker. I craved deep and meaningful conversations.

      It really helps to have a good GP on board. A doctor that actually really cares about you and mental illness. A dr with experience.

      Once I had the right medical team, I started to see results.

      You mentioned music. Art and creativity are so important. It's important to be able to express yourself. I too heavily rely on music. And just like you, music holds he ability to make or break me sometimes. I'm an emotional sponge. I absorb and absorb emotions until I cannot hold anymore and I just release. Most of the time the release is on the ones I love most and in ways I'm not proud of. But we aren't bad. As long as we can better ourselves and make the right changes and feel healthy and have healthy relationships, that's what's important. It's what you do with your knowledge and experiences that matters. And it's sounds like you want to do the right thing. I really do believe in you and I know you will achieve anything your heart desires one step at a time smile

      I think it's awesome you're into photography. That's so cool! If you're struggling at the moment and you can't leave the house, if that's what you need to do to feel okay and better, do it. It's okay to take time off from the outside world sometimes. It's actually healthy. We all need to recharge our batteries wink

      Its only a problem when it becomes all you do, everyday, all day.

      Your journey is just about to start my friend, trust me. You can only go up from here on.

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    • Posted

      This took my SO long to reply because my page keeps reloading and I have to start all over again each time it does that. It happens every couple of minutes on each response!

      So what I'm doing is I'm copying and pasting everytime I reach the end of a sentence or paragraph, hence making my reply seem like forever long... ??

      If there was anything more worth my time and energy, it is this site xxx

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    • Posted

      You might want to look into support groups for your drinking before it gets too out of hand and grows with you like my drug addiction did

      AA groups can be so helpful. Forget the stigma attached to such groups, the people that attend them are amazing and caring.

      I believe it would be of great help to you, to have someone right there, you can reach out to that's been through what you have. It's very powerful and freeing.

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    • Posted

      You seem like such and awesome and strong person, I'm glad you could overcome so much in your life and just hope I can someday find myself.

      I'll talk with my mother first thing in the morning since she doesn't even know I'm in this bad of a shape. Hell she even thinks I still date my ex-girlfriend, and they were very close... But I still wansn't able to tell her, I'll explain her my thought and feelings so we can sort it out and see a doctor. Thank you so much for your help, you're one of the few people that make me believe humans can still be kind to eachother!

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    • Posted

      Wow thanks!!!!! You are such a darling! biggrin)

      I feel it in my gut, you will do amazing things. You're half way there! Realisation and acceptance is the first and hardest step and at 19 years old you're already there. If you think I'm amazing just imagine what you will conquer at the rate you're going smile

      If you have a good relationship with your parents, yes most definitely talk to them. A very good idea to have a chat with mum. You'll be surprised at how relieving telling her all those things will actually be!

      Good work my friend, you too give my hope in not only humanity have that of the youth too.

      Please keep me posted along the way.

      It's 3:22 in the afternoon here in Melbourne Australia. It must be bedtime for you.

      Get some sleep and rest. And we shall talk again soon x

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