Maybe, Maybe Not, no, yes ?!?!?!?!?!?!

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Let me just start out saying that I know that I have anxiety and OCD and sometimes I have panic attacks. I started having anxiety after me and my ex husband split because I walked in on him in the bed with another woman. A few of my friends that smokes weed convinced me one day to try it. They said it would make me quit worrying, and relax me and blah blah blah. However, it sent me straight into a full blown panic attack that lasted for hours until I finally took a nap. I felt a little strange after that and was a little nervous about everything. Anyways, after my divorce was final I started talking to a guy (now my husband) and we hit it off fairly quickly. After about 6 months I caught him in some lies, I just moved in with him, I got laid off from my job of 2 years with no money from me coming in, and thats when I had my first panic attack. I had never had but one panic attack before this one and again it is when I smoked that weed for the first and only and last time ever. So naturally I related my panic attack to when I smoked weed and thought my husband had put weed in my food or in my drink....I knew deep down it was just a thought and that he would never do that....I mean he don't even smoke weed, but I was still paranoid about it. I had this anxiety and panic for about 11 months before I finally said Im done....I will not fear this crap anymore. I tried medications that did not really seem to help but only make it worse. Ive been to every doctor known to make sure I was healthy physically, and I am. I went to a psychiatrist who mentioned bipolar one time, and then came back and said I definitely was not she thinks it is just anxiety and ocd but she kept wanting to try me on every medication possible and I wanted to try to beat it myself. She would not even listen to me for telling me about this medication and that medication. So I decided to try a therapist who I have now been going to for 6 months. I have seen a LOT of improvement in my panic attacks, I have very few now. Maybe one or two a months ....verses 2-3 a day. And remember all this started out of nowhere.

Well about a months ago. I caught my husband keeping a secret from me....not about another woman just a secret and for some reason I have a hard time when somebody lies to me. After all the lies told to me in my life it seems like one little lie or secret just pushes me over the edge. Anyways it was the week before "that time'" of the month, so I already was a little irritable. I got angry we fussed and argued for about 3 or 4 days off and on. I then would just wake up angry at him for no reason and I would talk myself down and say forgive him, its not healthy for me, all these things. Then week before last I had a slow week at work and I started shopping online. I didn't not spend "A LOT" of money but I was shopping more than I normally do, it almost felt addicting, but again I did not spend "too" much money or anything like that. I was having a hard  time going to sleep at night. It would take me at least 30 minutes sometimes longer to go to sleep, I felt angry one minute and fine the next. I would keep dropping these unnecessary comments to my husband that caused us to fuss. I felt out of control as far as emotions go. Then I went to sleep one night and I told myself Im not going on about this I am going to wake up, I am going to ignore my thoughts, and I am done. Since then I have been fine. I have not shopped near as much. But now my thoughts are trying to tell me I was "manic" or hypomanic" during this time. 

I am really just curious to know if people who are bipolar and know they are bipolar, does this sound like it my anxiety and OCD, is it something completely different maybe???

I know nobody can diagnose me here nor am i asking for anybody to, I just simply want to know are these any "common" symptoms usually linked to bipolar, or is my OCD and anxiety playing tricks on me again.....

Any advice will be greatly appreciate!!! xoxoxox

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5 Replies

  • Posted

    Hello there.

    At first glance I would say that you aren't bipolar.  Of course I'm no expert and its just my opinion based on the information you have given.  I was diagnosed cyclothymic a few years ago and have recently come out of a relationship with someone who was bipolar.  Towards the end of our relationship she had a manic episode that she is still dealing with now, some 3 months later.  In and out of hospital in this period.  I assume there can be varying degrees of 'episodes' but she was literally on a different planet at times.  Ranting none stop and quite aggressively about God and how everyone was doomed - literally none stop - I couldn't even barge into the conversation.  This was when she was at her worst.  None of that sounds like you have described.  She was also overly friendly and loving and kind to anyone she would come across, overly chatty and extremely outgoing, including to alot of strangers.

    It sounds to me that you are an extremely sensitive person (as alot of sufferers are) and you may have some kind of trauma related to finding your husband with another woman.  Understandibly so.  This can be triggered and rear its head when you find people have lied to you.  There seems to be a link but I would certainly think about seeing someone professional about this and trying to resolve and maybe process it all properly.

    Like me, I would say you have a 'talent' for overthinking.  This can be tricky.  I find it extremely tempting to indulge in thoughts and get lost in them.  Like you have discovered, we do have a choice.  Practice mindfulness as best you can and importantly, don't be too hard on yourself if you can't manage it sometimes.  Don't 'push' thoughts away - they only return and it becomes a struggle.  Rather acknowledge them, realise they are just thoughts and understand that it's your decision to give them power or not.

    I wrote another post a little while ago just describing what kind of things work for me to give me the best chance of being mentally healthy and stable.  If I can, I'll put a link on here so you can have a look.

    I hope you are well and I'm sending you positivity, light and love.

    • Posted

      All of what you said makes sense. Maybe the lying thing is a weak spot of mine because of the things that have happened. I sometimes get angry when I get lied to. I guess sometimes that can be natural. I do not know why I keep thinking I am bipolar or what even makes me think I am bipolar. I guess I have read up on so much back when my anxiety was at my highest. I guess I don't know. You sound like you know what you're talking about. You definitely have seen it, and probably know it.

  • Posted

    So heres my post, you may already do some of the things.

    It may be helpful, or maybe not.

    Hello world.

    Well, I just felt a strange compulsion to share with anybody who's interested what tends to take the sting out of suffering from cyclothymia.

    As well as the usual tips of eating a reasonably healthy diet, getting regular exercise, taking care of your sleep patterns, reducing sugar intake (proven links to depression) and avoiding drugs and alcohol, I've found a few more things that tend to help. These things seemed to work for me but I can't say they will work for everybody.

    A big thing that helped me was taking ayurvedic herbs. These are herbs used in traditional Indian medicine as I'm sure some of you are aware.

    I take Bacopa Monnieri extract and Ashwagandha both twice a day. It takes around 4-6 weeks for any effect to be felt and I think 10-12 weeks for the full effect. It is subtle but it seems to have created a 'buffer' zone whereby I don't go as 'low', and as often as I used to before regularly taking it. I still get down and depressed but nowhere near as bad as I have been.

    I also sometimes take CBD oil which is legal (in my country at least) and derived from cannabis. It has just about zero THC content (which is responsible for getting people high and 'trippy' but some say also has healing properties). The CBD part is the theraputic compound which alot of people say helps them with all kinds of problems including pain, anxiety, skin conditions and a whole host of other things. I take it when I feel a bit too low or stuck in a low patch for too long. It most times seems to help but again can be quite subtle.

    And lastly, learning to love myself and treat myself with the same compassion, tolerance and understanding that I can show others (sometimes complete strangers). I used to hear people say 'you need to learn to love yourself' on TV programmes and other places and to be honest I used to roll my eyes and think 'what a load of nonsense'. Until fairly recently. When it really dawned on me and made quite a difference. It kind of took the edge of some of the horrible feelings and gave me a bit of room to breath, relax and recoup slightly, I dunno. Again, can be quite subtle but also quite powerful at the same time.

    I've basically had problems of this nature since I was 17 and now lets just say I'm way beyond that age. I must have tried absolutely everything out there over the years except regular meds (except for a short stint on SSRI's)(I also have a prescription in my drawer from 3 years ago for lamotrigine that I never followed up). Hypnotherapy, chinese herbal medicine, talking therapies, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, acupuncture, reiki, pretty much you name it and I've tried it. The three things I've listed are the most effective, at least for me.

    Oh and meditation, or even just sitting in a chair for half an hour each day with no distractions of any kind really helps me. Sometimes I drift off, sometimes I'm able to concentrate and focus and train my mind, often times its a mix of the two. I see it as a daily 'reset' of the stress levels in the body which can accumulate often without us realising. A big help for me.

    Anyway, sorry, I seem to have rattled on somewhat. I just wanted to let people know of my experiences and maybe give some pointers if people are searching for advice. Have a look, do some of your own research and follow your instincts. It may work for you.



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