Meeting for me...after many years

Posted , 9 users are following.

I have been saying for months or years...I have to get back to AA.I went to AA from 2005 - 2013...and was sober the entire 8 years.

In 2014 I thought it would be ok to drink...come on? 8 years...why not? Just a few to be "normal" and then just stop.

4 years later: In the hospital...too many times to count over the years...almost died 2 of those times...for sure ONE Time I BEGGED the Dr. to promise me I was going to live thru the day and he actually SAID TO ME:

I wish I could promise you that...and I can't.

I was having DTs...the first time ever...I was seeing MY DRESSER with my pajamas..asking the Nurse (who I thought was a visitor in my house) to get me those pajamas cause i was freezing.

I heard my cat...I heard my boyfriend coughing...I had at least 1 seizure that I know of  [Sad] ...

So you would think that would be enough..I have been back to the hospital many times since then...and then there have been times that I should have been in the hospital and never did go.....

You don't LEARN to stop drinking or drugs...we are just not capable of LEARNING it...we do it again and again. UNTIL we DECIDE that we are going to FIGHT whatever it is.

I remember 12 years ago in 2005 when I decided to fight...I was "all in" I didn't have a doubt in my mind that I would remain sober...and then a couple weeks went by and it got tough...and I know I got thru that back then (not to sound stupid or redundant to AA sayers) but I got thru those 8 years because there were "meetings" to go to.

So..now...I'm surrendering to the fact that I really don't want to feel like I feel right now (5 days sober) again...and I really DONT HAVE to feel like this EVER again...if I don't drink.

So I decided to fight....My typical pattern is to binge..so there would be no chance of me drinking today...my body is healing from a binge..the trouble comes at about 2weeks for me...when I feel better...then I "forget" how sick I was from the last binge and DRINK AGAIN.

For the past 4 years..everytime I begin to heal...and start to "fight"...I have not won...So, today I decided to do something different...I went back to AA...I don't know how often I will go...but I am going to go...I am not going to give up ON MYSELF...

I HATE AA PREACHERS...but I love the stories I heard today..I liked being around people there today...I liked not feeling alone....I liked that they had FOOD there...(salad, crackers, cheese, olives)...I liked that I could share where I was at or NOT share where I was at...I liked that I FELT SAFE.

That is what I get from a meeting...I don't want to hear about the steps...if they work for you great...if I want them they are there....I go for all the things I mentioned.

I made 2 new friends...I have both their numbers..One lady is as bored as I am and we will be going to lunch...Another lady I know from when I was going 8 years...she totally moved all her stuff to sit next to me....

I felt loved today in a way I haven't felt in a long time and in a way I know that alcohol does NOT love me.

I just wanted to share...that the experience today also made me PROUD of myself...I have tears of joy vs. pain in my eyes....

If you can manage to do it and you need help...meetings are free counseling sessions..and with these holidays...free food is everywhere...LOL.

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12 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi Missy

    So sad to hear this. My hubby WAS similar in his drinking patterns. If you feel as though you don't or haven't got the strength to continue to abstain go to c3europe website and look up TSM My husband has not looked back, 1 beer a day at present hoping to achieve alcohol free days soon. It is retraining his brain. Talk to Joanna on C3europe xx OR if you want to continue to abstain, try Campral to help you. My Husband was prescribed through his local ARC.

    Kindest Regards

    JulieAnne x

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    • Posted

      JulieAnne..thank you TSM is not a method for me and I will PM you the reason why as I don't want to discourage anyone from using this method as it is proved a positive solution for many.

      But thank you for trying to help.

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  • Posted

    Hi there Misssy - I remember that you can't use TSM and the reasons.

    I have to salute you - this journey is never ending for us.  I still fight it head on, lose every now and then, then smack it one in the face and start again.  This seems ok for me and tapering has been good with no withdrawals (I think good eating really helps here).

    You have fallen many times and had the guts to brief it on here.  You have been through some pretty awful stuff and you are still not giving in.  I am really glad you have gone back to AA.  It is not for me personally but it does sound a good meeting place.  That is lovely that you said you have collected two telephone numbers and that you felt loved.  That is so encouraging.  And a little cheese and cracker snackette as well, what is not to love lol smile.

    Good on you hun, I never tire of hearing how you are just not going to give alcohol the pleasure of winning (as am I).

    Keep updating, I find you inspirational.

    Take care

    Gwen x

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    • Posted

      And you just made me feel loved as well...I can't believe my mother just said on the phone to me that I was right I had nothing to live for...she started to say..you can't see your grandchildren...you don't have a job...I said BYE MA.

      I think she meant well she is trying to say the right things 25 years later....cause she didn't reply the other day when I said I had nothing to live for...tonight in the middle of a fight she brings it up and says that...winner...

      Yea..AA is working out good for me gwen...for MY reasons....I don't love all of it...But, I love more of it than I like the sound of the word D-E-A-D.

      You always have been there for me and I love and appreciate your kind words.

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    • Posted

      Aww Gwen!!

      A lovely inspirational reply as always. Love the people on this sight, so supportive

      Glad to hear you are still keeping the demon drink at bay

      Have a lovely Christmas

      JulieAnne xx

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    • Posted

      Oh dear Missy. As you say I'm sure your Ma meant well. My Ma in law bless her tried all sorts to make her son stop. I believe hubby and I have now re educated her about AUD (thanks Joanna!) So much misinformation out there though.

      Good luck Missy with your chosen path.

      The AA group that hubby went to was really supportive, but he just could not follow the 12 steps. He did manage to abstain for 2 years with their help, then it all collapsed.

      Crossing everything for you on your journey to sobriety

      Kind Regards

      JulieAnne x

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    • Posted

      Harsh words from Mom or Mum as we call it here - sounding like she is frustrated - I do get that - but also get the harsh reality of OUR problem.  Not the wisest of words when vulnerable even though well meant. 

      Well I have never met my grandchildren (which you know)  4 of them - kills me.  Nothing to do with alcohol - just another story.  I have felt like you sooo many times but something always boots me up the backside

      and am here to tell the tale. 

      All I can say is you deserve a break - because we all know on here how very hard this crap is - when feeling low - please reach out to this forum - more especially Patient.  I have not come across one so sensitive.

      And pm whenever girlfriend x

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  • Posted

    Great heartfelt reply!Gwen did a great reply! If only worth two friends it was worth enduring the as MTG! Keep trying! Never ever give up. I remember you well going back several years here 😁Robin

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