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I have been saying for months or years...I have to get back to AA.I went to AA from 2005 - 2013...and was sober the entire 8 years.
In 2014 I thought it would be ok to drink...come on? 8 years...why not? Just a few to be "normal" and then just stop.
4 years later: In the hospital...too many times to count over the years...almost died 2 of those times...for sure ONE Time I BEGGED the Dr. to promise me I was going to live thru the day and he actually SAID TO ME:
I wish I could promise you that...and I can't.
I was having DTs...the first time ever...I was seeing MY DRESSER with my pajamas..asking the Nurse (who I thought was a visitor in my house) to get me those pajamas cause i was freezing.
I heard my cat...I heard my boyfriend coughing...I had at least 1 seizure that I know of [Sad] ...
So you would think that would be enough..I have been back to the hospital many times since then...and then there have been times that I should have been in the hospital and never did go.....
You don't LEARN to stop drinking or drugs...we are just not capable of LEARNING it...we do it again and again. UNTIL we DECIDE that we are going to FIGHT whatever it is.
I remember 12 years ago in 2005 when I decided to fight...I was "all in" I didn't have a doubt in my mind that I would remain sober...and then a couple weeks went by and it got tough...and I know I got thru that back then (not to sound stupid or redundant to AA sayers) but I got thru those 8 years because there were "meetings" to go to.
So..now...I'm surrendering to the fact that I really don't want to feel like I feel right now (5 days sober) again...and I really DONT HAVE to feel like this EVER again...if I don't drink.
So I decided to fight....My typical pattern is to binge..so there would be no chance of me drinking today...my body is healing from a binge..the trouble comes at about 2weeks for me...when I feel better...then I "forget" how sick I was from the last binge and DRINK AGAIN.
For the past 4 years..everytime I begin to heal...and start to "fight"...I have not won...So, today I decided to do something different...I went back to AA...I don't know how often I will go...but I am going to go...I am not going to give up ON MYSELF...
I HATE AA PREACHERS...but I love the stories I heard today..I liked being around people there today...I liked not feeling alone....I liked that they had FOOD there...(salad, crackers, cheese, olives)...I liked that I could share where I was at or NOT share where I was at...I liked that I FELT SAFE.
That is what I get from a meeting...I don't want to hear about the steps...if they work for you great...if I want them they are there....I go for all the things I mentioned.
I made 2 new friends...I have both their numbers..One lady is as bored as I am and we will be going to lunch...Another lady I know from when I was going 8 years...she totally moved all her stuff to sit next to me....
I felt loved today in a way I haven't felt in a long time and in a way I know that alcohol does NOT love me.
I just wanted to share...that the experience today also made me PROUD of myself...I have tears of joy vs. pain in my eyes....
If you can manage to do it and you need help...meetings are free counseling sessions..and with these holidays...free food is everywhere...LOL.
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