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Hi, my name is Chris and I'm 28. I have been suffering from depression now for almost 13 years and just can't see an end to why I feel the way I do. I havn't ever really discussed my problems apart from to a few people, and the odd doctor, and find it hard to open up, so I thought hiding behind a keyboard might help. I don't really know how it all began, well I do, but I think it was a progression of things that ultimately led to my downfall. I appologising for waffling on, but I feel I need to tell the whole story for any of it to make sense.
From when I was younger, all I can remember was being this happy go lucky, intelligent, comedic, sporty and thoughtful boy. I was always popular to the people that really knew me but when I'd been in school for a while, I guess people saw I could also be sensitivie and played on this and started to bully me. After being really upset one day my mother told me to finally hit them back. My mother is much like I was and usually puts others before herself, so for her to say something like that, it basically seemed like it took a leash off me and I literally went back to school with what I can only describe as an alter ego. At home I'd be the lovely funny son, when away from the mother etc, the sporty, cool, tough kid that kids looked up to (the stereotypical school kid at the top) I basically done things my way, and that was it.
Now I'm pretty certain when you pretend to be something you are not, and people tell you you're that, you eventually become it. and that's what basically happened, well I say that, It's like both characters merged into one. I could be sensitive at home, and still got kicks out of making people laugh, but in general, I became very head strong, and knew what I wanted, and the way I wanted it. And in my head at the time, I was going to be a footballer and that was it, it's all i loved, it's all i done, for about 8 hours a day. But when I got to senior school it started to change.
First of all, my parents didn't really encourage my football and wanted me to concentrate on other things and when I was on trial at a club that got a load of scouts come to games, I had the game of my life, only to find out my dad had gone back to the car and not watched and it destroyed me as this was the first game he had ever taken me to, and every boys dream is for their dad to share something with them. Then through playing too much sport at a young age my knees packed up and I eventually started to have to stop playing football. I don't know how much the lack of adreneline affected me, but I became more emotional again, and the bullying started once more, I began letting people walk over me at school, but out of it, where I was still popular, I was fine, the cool, confident kid still (like I had 2 lives), but that backfired when I went on a holiday in Cyprus when I was 15. I would be so confident in myself that I would stay out drinking to one 2 in the morning by myself and I was assaulted by a man when out early one morning on holiday.
Since the person I was portraying was almost like a self defence mechanism, the real me couldn't cope, and I dramatically went down hill from there, inside I had lost the interest of my Dad, the sport i loved, my innocense and my mascualinity and to make matters worse, not long after i got off holiday, my first real girlfriend, then cheated on me and i felt alone. I began hanging around with drug abusers and have pretty much abused all drugs apart from crack and heroin to feel alive. In this group of "friends" I then found my soulmate and future fiancee. But whilst I was gradually getting worse, she couldn't cope and I became aggresive (not physically) and dominating. I treated her like crap and she left me, only to make me feel even worse because of what I had done to her, or made her feel.
Since she left, I have had moments where I have tried to "snap out of it" but have been unsuccesful, but had had some awful luck along the way, aswell as cocking it up myself (which i will admit to). When in jobs I have twice been messed with by people only in it for themselves just as I was getting a big break. Both times I was going to be promoted to a manger, someone messed it up for me. Once a new area manager came in, made my store his base then told me i could have a holiday, since I hadn't had one in 2 years, told me he was getting someone in to cover me, then when I came back, he had given my position to that guy, and lied and said I'd agreed to a demotion and to work for only 10 hours a week. Only to find out that the guy he screwed me over with was his close friend. Then in another job, the person who wanted the position i was getting spread that I was a herooin addict, even though I hadn't ever been and was clean at the time apart from a few drinks at the weekend. This then brought me down even more.
During all this I have tried to commit suicide on atleast three occassions, but that stopped when I had a daughter, some little voice takes over and says it's not fair on her. But i don't live with my daughter and only get to have her every other weekend so unfortuantely and selfishly, it doesn't seem enough. Since I was abused I wake up pretty much every day with no energy, i can nap even though I don't do anything half the time, I think what's the point, I'm not worth it. I'm better off not waking up, useless to anyone and anything and I just have no fight left in me. I constantly get ill, can't even be bothered to wash half the time, don't eat and look like a crack head at the best of times. I can't be in crowds of more than 4 people, hate social events, always want to be left alone even though I hate it and can't live with myself, have had to move back in with my mother, because if I now go to do anything of any importance or any sort of pressure I freak out and crumble. I can't even do a job interview no more, I throw up, freak out and leave. yet I used to give the interviews. If anything goes wrong, I don't fix it, i hide. I have pretty much lost all my friends I built up over the years and most people who are close look at me like I am scum and a let down because when I was a kid, everyone looked at me to get the family going, as I was the brains and the energy. I was going to be the first to get through uni and become a success. Not only that, when i get really stressed, within half an hour my face can come up with these huge cysts, boils, i don't know, and they have left big indented scars on my face and with my high hair line, make me feel worse and i can hide in my room for up to a month if i get the scarring.
Then to make matters worse, a few years ago, I went on one of my I will will try to "snap out of it" moments. Started doing some work with my dad, finally felt like we had a connection, went home happy for the first time in ageous, then that exact night, after one day of finally feeling close to my dad, he woke upo in the night with pains in his stomach, he got taken to hospital by my mum, and was diagnosed with cancer and died not long after. This was after a doctor 3 times refused to explore any other possibilites of his symtoms and kept saying it was diabetes when we all knew it wasn't. This of course made me loose it again. By I calmed down a bit, but now have been left with the other me comming out again, it's just, that other me isn't head strong no more, it's a "I don't care about anything or anyone" kind of guy, where the real me is just pathetic, fragile and broken. These are the only two ways i can feel, unless im with my daughter alone.
I've tried to go to uni and my old job forgot to send a reference, and i got kicked out, but then for some reason freaked out when it came to getting hold of the student finances, so even though I wasn't there, they paid me for the year. I'm afraid I'll either end up dead or in jail and when ever I have tried going to a gp i have felt let down or failed. My GP just judged me, looked at me and just tried offering me drugs to basically get me out of her practise. One American psyc just went on about how great and open Americans are and how bad we as English are at opening up, which didn't help. Then the second attempt, because of my panic attacks, I asked if they could give me a week warning before the appointment as i need a run up or ill crumble and won't come. Then they forgot to write to me and phoned me up saying sorry, could i come in the next day, so i freaked.
Basically, I wrote all this, just to scream and go ARRRRRGGGGHHHH! What is wrong with me??? Thanks for listening, or reading, if you have.
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