Menopause has ruined my marriag - please help

Hello Siggy!

im so sorry you are going thru that sometimes i think of what my husband think of my perimenipause he is 40yrs and im 49 and i began at 45 and is different symptons. maybe you can go to a therapy first to take care you and see where you stand. My libido is ok but i dont feel like having sex but if my husband hint it im available. this is a hard time in our life is BAD. she is lucky to have you and your patience . keep talking to her dont give up .

Three years? That sounds like more than just menopause. I'm in menopause, and I still enjoy sex.

It sounds like you're giving the relationship a lot more than she is at this point...and, no, you do not deserve to live this life if you are unhappy...

IM going to tell you my story in the hope that you dont do to your wife my husband has done to me.

. As if my life wasn't hard enough at the moment .I have suffered from chronic illness for 20 years and had relapse and periods of OK health. My husband and i have been together for 26 years years and although we have had tough times we have gotten over it and moved past it everytime. Ive been having perimenopause symptoms for 5 years but they didnt get bad till 3 years ago when they caused a huge crash with my chronic illness. To say i was a complete wreck is an understatement , i could barely function ive never been so ill in my life. It was like something snapped in my husbands head, He just couldn't handle it .. i didnt ask for any extra help from him or anything i just got on with it as best i could. Sex however did go out the window due to the fact i was so ill and had a burning sensation all over my body most of the time so couldn't stand to be touched. He started to treat me worse and became totally dismissive of me, making nasty comments about weight gain etc. All of which made me retreat even more into myself . I tried so hard to explain how bad i was feeling but it was like he just didnt care anymore, nothing i said or did made a difference to him. To cut a long story short i round out 2 months ago he was having an affair with one of his customers. I am beyond devastated , as if my life wasn't hard enough right night i have to go through a divorce and being alone while being chronically ill.

So please dont take what is happening to your wife personally. Trust me when i say she is going through her own personal hell!.. It effects your body and mind to such a degree you dont recognise yourself anymore. Just give her space to tell her you love as often as you can. Let her know that no matter what you will be there for her and she will come good eventually.

Well..being a woman that's post menopause..the fact that the first thing you mention and worry about is the lack of sex. Maybe that's all she sees coming from you. And I can also tell you that this menopause thing takes everything out of some of us .. so much that it's all we can do to make it through the day.. sex, cleaning, chores..anything is the LAST thing on our minds. If you love her..give her space and let her work through this. Don't try to make her feel guilty for not wanting sex...don't focus on it.. It will work itself out in time...menopause lasts a long long long time.. perhaps you have what it takes to stick it out..support her. tell her you understand. Make it easier for her..not harder.. She will definitely resent you for that. Trust me..I know.

You said she lost all interest in sex and doesn't even want you to touch her. I apologize if I misinterpreted that...but I maintain that this thing is awful for us. As hard as it is for you, it is 100 times that hard for us.

I have been going through menopause for 5 years since aged 42. I can't rely on being able to stand up in the morning due to migraines and my life pretty much sucks. I have chronic illnesses that are affected too. I sometimes feel like dying would be easier.

My husband is the most patient man in the world and I am amazed he sticks around.

I feel guilty all the time. Maybe your wife is pushing you away because she can't stand to see you hurting or maybe she is just too ill to notice. Either way only she can know just how bad she feels. It's great that you want to support her but you can only do this with patience.

Maybe you could speak to someone if she wont see a doctor?

I wish you both well and hope you can stick it out because this does have to end sometime.

hi siggy, you sound like you're doing everything right. as some of the ladies have said, this is like living in hell for us. if we dont understand what is happening to us then we cant explain it to our spouse/ significant other. my husband is an amazing man and you sound a lot like him. without his support and understanding I would be locked in a room somewhere. some of the ladies on this forum are not so lucky. with that being said, there is absolutely nothing you can do to make her feel like she was before. all you can do is let her know that you are going through this together as a team. when she told you that you didnt help enough around the house it wasn't that at all! she will continue to withdraw into herself and if you are completely committed to your marriage then you need to help her pull herself up and take one day at a time. I wish you both all the best..

Hello siggy

Firstly, it can't be easy to reach out through a forum but I'm glad you did . I've had hormonal issues for the last 20 years probably and at points my husband has got it and at others he has just wanted a happy wife, which is entirely natural. I'm 43 now and started hrt this year and things are so much better. Before, the way I was feeling was so bizarre even to me, that there is no way I could explain it to him in a way he could understand. When it comes to intimacy, we were exactly the same. Stuck in a cycle of one of us trying and feeling rejected then neither of us trying and really us living as best friends who loved each other a whole lot. We probably weren't really intimate for 4 years but all I can say is that when it kicks back in again, it's like the world is right again. She will feel the same way I'm sure, she probably feels like she is in a dark hole at the moment and unfortunately it's not always possible to see how your partner is effected and sometimes it can feel like they aren't effected at all. Just keep doing what you're doing, try and get some support from a doctor or specialist and keep the faith that it will get better. Xx

Hi! I think that your wife needs care and maybe therapy. Maybe a meno specialist and a psychotherapist. I was at a very dark place a year ago and I was depresssed and almost suicidal. No libido, crying all the time and no motivation. A year on hrt and I am back to my old self. It is unbelievable the damage we can have due to the estrogen loss.

Have you tried talking to her? I mean seriously talking to her. Yea, no libido no sex, but totally ignoring you and pushing you around, that sounds a bit more than just menopause.

Therapy is a good idea and if you can convince her to take some vitamins, it will help improve her mood swings