mental health

i am getting to a point where i am ready to give up on getting better. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety for about 7 years now, but I had depression for nearly 12 years and anxiety for around 8 years.

From when I was first diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I was put on medication as well as offered a talking therapy, but I was worried what people would say. This is a choice I regret as well as a lot of choices I made through my life.

Over the 5 years I would see my GP at least once a year for a check up but towards the end of the 5 years I was going more often and we swapped my medication, I was on the top dosage of Citlopram and it was doing nothing, so swapped to a different one and went to the top dosage on that, which also did nothing.

Coming up on 2 years ago I decided to sign up for talking therapy as I was really depressed and emotional, slightest things would set memories off and make me sad and tearful, I went to my GP as well and told her what was going off, I do remember my voice did start to crack when telling her, normally I put on a brave face around people, including Doctors so I probably come across not as bad as I really am.

I think I signed up for it in Feb or March time, I waited a little while and got a letter through the post for a phone appointment which was an assessment, I did that and was offered CBT and said I would get a letter when an appointment is available.

I think I started in late May or June 2018, I was offered a number of classes. At the time I felt more optimistic about things as I felt like this will help me get better.

I did struggle to remember things like my actions thoughts or feelings when talking about things as I did not remember them or write them down which may have hurt some of the things that I was learning as they were board and not specific. I know about 8 sessions in I told her that I think I am putting pressure on myself to get better as I did not want not getting better to look bad on her as she was still training after that things did start to ease and I enjoyed going to the meetings. I was disappointed when the sessions ended, to be honest, if they did not end I would still be going to see her as I really enjoyed them. The only complaint I had was the last session as was offered something else or see how I go but the something else was not really explained to me, but she said I can go back and see her if needed if I said see how I go. So I said Ill see how I go. It hit me about 5mins after leaving like "omg I am on my own again."

They ended in October 2018, I was doing ok until end of November when I had like a wave of low mood just hit me and it stayed with it, I was emotional again at the slightest things, remembering things from my past which then would make me sad etc. I did try all the stuff I learnt at CBT but nothing was getting through.

I did go to the GP and told her and asked how long can I wait until applyng to go back and said 3 months. Over the course of the CBT I did swap my tablets as well which did nothing. It was here she sent me to see a specialist in mental health.

I emailed the place where I had CBT and asked them if I could apply to come back and they said yes, I think at that point is was 10 weeks since the last one. So I applied, a few days later got the letter saying about a phone call at a later date, which came and I asked for the same therapist. A few days later they phoned up again just confirm a few things again and I asked if I could see the same therapist.

In feb I got the appointment to see the mental health specialist team, which I went to and told them my story and recommended cbt, I said I am waiting for that. I told the lady I saw that I could not remember like what I was feeling or what I did to cope before the CBT, probably because I was unaware about them in a way but after CBT I was able to pick them up and thanks to CBT I understood more about it. I do remember coming out from seeing the specialist thinking it was a waste of time because nothing really was being done.

Probably a few months went by and started to think that the mental health team had forgot about me but finally got a phonecall asking if I can come in to start CBT, I asked if I could see the same therapist but I could not because she is still training and they dont let returning patients see them again (I think that was the reason I was given) Not going to lie, I was disappointed by that news, but thought go in with an open mind which I did.

First session I was told I would get 6 sessions and explained my story and why I came back. There was something that she said at the end of the first session that made me think " she is not listening to me." But benefit of the doubt, second session was a right off, I was feeling ill and thought it was too late to cancel the appointment so went. Third session I really felt like she wanted to be somewhere else, she did nothing like bad in a way it was just how she same across to me and I felt like we was not clicking at all. I did think about swapping therapist but 2 things stopped me, 1 was I only had 3 sessions left and it would be like starting again with someone new and 2 (the bigger one) I did not want to hurt her feelings. So I carried on and made the most of the remaining sessions.

Ironically, the worst session with the original therapist was the worst and with the second therapist the best session was the last because I actually felt like she was helping me by explaining what the other options are. I went for counselling.

Looking back at this point, I felt like the 2nd course of CBT was kinda a waste of time as I can not tell you anything that happened in 3 of the session, compared to the original I can tell what I did nearly all the way through, and I think it was because me and the therapist just did not click, I did not really felt listened to and I did feel like she was just going through the motions. First therapist was brilliant.

I think a week before the final session I got a letter to go to the local hospital for an appointment, it was to go to see the mental health specialist. This was out of the blue and did not expect this as in the original session the lady never said about another one.

I went to this, it was when (UK) we had the really hot week and I remember opening the door to leave the house and the heat just hit you. I went there and again told my story and he asked what I was doing, friends, hobbies etc said he will put a "game plan" together and write to me about that as well as swapping medication and get an appointment and see him again before Christmas (I got the appointment to see him Christmas Eve with the appointment in the new year)

Late August I had an anxiety attack, this was in the middle of the night and down to speaking to a woman on a dating site as she asked if we could talk via something else like facebook or swap numbers and lack of sleep, when the attack happened I probably had only slept 6 hours over 4days. Whatever I did to try and stop the attack going further did not work, and I was half asleep so everything felt so real but also a dream (Nightmare) as well.

Something went off in my mind and convinced me about things that could happen will happen and I would obsess with them thoughts day and night

I got the letter from the specialist and made an appointment with a GP I felt comfortable with as my main one was on maternity leave, for early September and explained to him that I was glad I got an appointment as had an anxiety attack etc

In the letter it said to swap the medication, I had 2 to choose from and started on them in September,which I did do, each time I got an upped dosage bar December where he said give it longer, I also told him more but felt like was really listening to me, previous times he did. I need to get an appointment for late Jan.

Also a few days after the anxiety attack happened i got my start date for counselling. I think I had 8 sessions and I enjoyed them, I felt like I was being listened to and answered everything best I could do. I told her I was glad that this couldnt have come at a better time due to the attack. I started them in September, I had the first starter session and then had 2 weeks off as she had a training session and the following i was away on holiday, another week got skipped as the blooming bus never turned up at all, so I phoned them up and apologised to them. When I saw the counsellor I apologised to her as well. The sessions ended in November. I did not know what to expect with the last session, but it was like a normal session and then really good luck in the future but if you need to come back please contact us, we just ask you to wait 3 months before you do. But overall I would say the counselling was good. Would say the counsellor was better than the second therapist but not as good as the first therapist but was close. Probably the first therapist will always win as she was the first one and the first person I opened up to for years.

I know once the counselling ended I did think now what, but knew I had the gp appointment early Jan and still had the specialist mental health team letter on its way eventually. With the last gp appointment and cbt and counselling done, I dont really feel any better and I am wondering what other help is there and being honest I am losing hope.

With the anxiety attack I have been able to write some things down and will tell the specialist when I see him so hopefully that will point him in a direction to go forward, I did reach out to a few charities and they can not diagnose me they do think i could have a few things as from what I told them matches with some things like the obsessing of thought is a type of OCD as well as others.

I do feel like I am walking a tight rope with my mental health , more like nearly falling off, and the slightest thing will knock me off, but it is wait and see.

Does anyone know what other options are on the nhs in England other than cbt or counselling?

thank you

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