Mental health declining, don't know what to do.

I'm 25, male. 

I was an extremely outgoing person up until I was 21. The type who would only come home to sleep and the rest of my time was spent with my friends and meeting new people and going new places. I was energetic, optimistic, and had no trouble expressing myself

At 21 I got what came to the conclusion to be seasonal affective disorder.

- No motivation to speak to people

- Spent all day in bed

- Everything was dull

I shut out and spent some time alone, but I was still what I consider to be functional. I went to work, did what I needed to do. 

Fast forward to now

Most my days are dull. 2-3 weeks of bad days followed by a few good ones.

I've become mostly introvert with not many close friends, but a good number of acquaintances. My head feels like there is constantly pressure, which dissipates when smoking weed, or putting myself in a calming situation. The world feels dull, but I know it is beautiful. It takes everything in me to keep up a minor level of communication with my girlfriend/friends. My motivation to do anything responsible or pursue any creative passions ends with me laying in bed, frustrated that I cannot bring myself to do it. 

My happiness lives mostly in new things and new ideas/concepts, but they become dull too after a short period of time. I am constantly seeking these things, avoiding all responsibilities like bills, chores, appointments. I know the happiness and positivity is there but I cannot access it. 

I get overwhelmed by loud noises, harsh lighting, and being in any situation I do not want to be in. I get agitated and need to be alone. I am constantly moving and jittering and I cannot shut up to save my life, even when I know i am getting annoying. 

And although my mind is dull the stress and overthinking is still very present. 

Ive left grocery stores after having a full cart because I felt like everyone is judging or I dont think i can handle talking to cashier. 

I'm extremely particular about the way I am perceived, and I stress like no other about it. 

Even on a bad day I do everything in my power to make it look like a good day. 

I am almost cripplingly terrified of being embarrassed in any way shape or form.

My mind is dull, but always running x10. It's like living two nightmares. When I'm having a good day the stress is enough to restrict me from doing anything really productive or new. 

When I have a bad day the stress of not being together is almost maddning. 

It's to the point where I'm hitting my head on walls, pacing back in forth in my room for it to all stop.

The spending habits to find happiness in short bursts stops me from having enough to afford treatment/insurance and the lack of motivation would stop me from going. The stress of making the appointment and the financial part of it would eat me alive. 

I am so good on my good days though. Almost like a high. I read and write and do things I've been dying to do for ages. I do what I need to do and I am confident doing it. I dream of having good days. 

But as time goes on I am having less and less good days. I am feeling like a burden to all those around me. 

I am a full blown introvert now, who can act like an extrovert for the sake of others, but inside I feel like I'm living in a mind that is slowly consuming itself with contradicting thoughts and emotions. 

I've looked into anxiety, depression, ADHD, Bipolar, and being highly sensitive, but I have no idea if it could be something different. 

I am the type who needs to internalize things and solve everything myself, but for the first time in my life I feel like I cannot do this alone.

Can Anyone provide any assistance or direction? 

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