miscarriage

I am 29, and have a 10 year old son from a previous relationship. My current partner who I have been with for 6 years has wanted children for years and I have always said I just did not want anymore, probably because I had my son so young. Well, I changed my mind and in March this year came off the pill and we tried. It took 4 long months to get pregnant, I became obsessed with ovulation kits and pregnancy tests, but eventually it paid off and I fell pregnant. My period was due on 13th Aug and when I had brown discharge, I thought it was just my period? But a week later it was still there-so I tried a test and it was positive, but I wondered why I still had this brown discharge. It turned to light pink blood the following week. I went for a scan and they saw the heartbeat so everything looked ok, but the bleeding carried on-just like a light period. I was worried every single day. I was 7 weeks and 4 days pregnant, I started having bad period cramps, and passed some blood clots. I searched for my baby in the blood clots, because I just did not want to believe that it was a miscarriage. Then the pains started, it was like mild labour contractions. I would have a contraction, then pass a clot and lots of blood and the pain would go. The clots got bigger, the pain got worse. All I could think was my baby is here somewhere, so I kept searching. I went to a&e as I was starting to feel weak. Eventually there was so many clots and I was losing so much blood I just had to not look and flush the toilet. I found this so distressing, but I was feeling so weak, I just wanted to be told what was happening to me. I was examined by the doctor on the ward, it was 2am at this time, I was tired, scared and in pain. I nearly collapsed, I had lost too much blood, I felt like my head was going to explode. The nurse rushed to me with a drip. I was on the drip for the next 12 hours. My blood pressure kept dropping so I was being checked all night, and did not get any sleep between that and the constant toilet trips. I had to wait for a scan until about midday, but as the clots had stopped and pain got better, I knew deep down that the baby would be gone. I had to wait to find out whether I had to go into theatre for a D&C, but thank god I did nt. I just do not think I would have coped with that. My experience will never be forgotten and I just cannot accept that I have lost a child. I have cried but I really feel like my mind has not accepted what has happened to me? My body is still so weak, I get lightheaded every time I stand up and im not eating which does not help, but I just cannot face food. We had planned on moving next year, my partner was so excited for his new child. I just took it for granted that I could just decide to have a baby when I changed my mind?? But it has been taken from me in a matter of days. I just worry now that if I get pregnant again it will happen again, and I just do not think I can cope with it. Every time I close my eyes, I can just remember checking through the blood clots to find my baby. I know it was the wrong thing to do but I wanted to find my baby. I thought that somehow I could save it? I truely feel for every women that has ever had to go through this. Thanks you for letting me share my experience with you all. Patrice xxxxxx

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