Mornings.

Last year in June I started at a new school (It was kind of work since I got paid for it.) I went there every day the first two months but then I started skipping now and then because life got pretty s**t. I have OCD, depression and DR/DP. I had a break down/panic attack one night and after that I got DP/DR. It made my depression worse, caused me some anixety and that made it really hard to get myself to go to school. I started skipping even more. Days turned into weeks then I ended up not going at all so I quit a few weeks ago. 

I hate summer sooo much. I'm not sure why? I think maybe it's because we're 'supposed to be happy' at that time yes but also the sunlight. It just depresses me somehow. Maybe it's because it reminds me of my childhood? I was really genuially happy in my childhood, I had a great childhood and getting reminded of it just makes me feel like I've failed because I feel so terrible now and my future looks dark. Also my timezone is UTC+01:00, but yeah I agree.

Thanks for your reply!

Good day xx

Just a thought, you know you said above that "life got ..." Do you remember why it did? I only ask because certain parts of our illnesses are always there, but some are most definitely made worse by situational circumstances? If you can identify what it was that caused all your symptoms to get worse back in June then you might be able to forgive yourself a little bit? And know that these things come and go - your depression will come and go, and you'll get better at coping with it every time, I promise! If you don't feel able to get back to work then at least do one thing outside the house everyday, yes? Being out of work with no routine is dreadful for your mental health, I know from personal experience! Lots of love xx

I'm not sure. I made a friend at that school after a few weeks and she was really nice and I'd love to be her friend but I kept getting some weird urge to cut her off and isolate myself from her and everyone. I have no idea why I feel like this now, I can't think of anything that could've triggered anything. Before I started at that school I hadn't been to any school for a year because I quit the other school I went to before that school because people were mean and I felt alone, couldn't concentrate on anything.

Also I've always hated routines, like, I wanna do something different everyday and I get tired of doing the same really fast. But I know that's not possible and I guess that depresses me somehow. I have no idea. It's so confusing I can't even understand it myself.

I really wish I stayed in school, get into college, university, get great friends, get a good job but instead I'm just here failing life. I used to read psychology because that's always been my goal in life but I need a really really good degree for that but I just screwed it. I'm really smart I know that. I know so much about psychology already because I've been reading so much about it online on different forums and in books. I know so much I'd do great in school I know that but my mental health stops me from doing so. It makes me feel so hopeless, I'm 18 now and I didn't even finish the first year of high school... I feel like I've just failed everything because this was my goal in life but I don't know what to do about it now.

Honey, cutting yourself off isn't an unusual thing to do if you suffer from depression, I've done it too, as have a lot of other people on here. We tend to think that no-one will ever comprehend... It would be interesting to know what might have had happened if you'd actually TALKED to that friend at school? You will never know what was going on in HER life, and how she actually could have helped. I realise now that a simple conversation can solve many complications later down the line. Depression can have a very selfish effect, meaning that your problems become all-encompassing and stop you from seeing things clearly. It's both ironic and wonderful that you want to go into psychology. It's a career choice that you can still achieve, no? xxx