Mother-in-law in Assessment Unit.....Decision making?

Posted , 4 users are following.

My mother-in-law has Alzheimers.   Recently, her ability to communicate effectively and take care of herself has substantially diminished - I mean, almost overnight!  Through an incident, she ended up in an Assessment Unit and we have been told, informally, that she will not be returning home where she has managed up until now.    My husband and I are the POAs in terms of her welfare and agree that she, in her present state, will be unable to return home.   It seems that the recommendation will be that she now needs 24hr supervised care-not health care.   Our dilemma is that there is only one home in the area that my husband and I feel will meet my MIL's needs..there is normally a waiting list so what happens if there are no places?    I have knowledge of other families in the area whose parent was put into an alternative home, to wait for space available at the preferred place, but once in the home, the Social Work put on the brakes and take forever to do anything.   I wish to avoid this situation - what can I do?   Can we insist on a specific home and offer for her to stay with us until a place becomes available?   The other issue relates to the POA and the upcoming meeting at the hospital that will decide my MIL's fate.   My MIL has two sons, one who only sees her 2/3 times per year for short periods (this has been the situation for several years and has not been an issue up until now).   My husband and I live within yards of my MIL, we are the main carers and the POAs.    My husband's brother has suddenly decided to visit and I think will want to attend the meeting referred to earlier - my husband and I would prefer if he did not attend as he has been chatting to nurses, doctors and SW as if he KNOWS what has been going on for the past 2 years since diagnosis.   This in itself is causing me great stress....he is rather patronising and intimidating to me.    This is a difficult time for all.   Can we insist that only POAs and the care professionals attend this meeting - since he has not been at ANY other meeting, assessment, hospital appointment, doctors surgery, there when she needs reassurance at 2am, and so on...........?

1 like, 7 replies

7 Replies

  • Posted

    You may need to take out a POWER of ATTORNEY, and be listed as named carer, Social Services will explain as will the Soliitor who draws it up. This will allow carers to attend meetings and discuss treatment plans etc. Try and find out if there is a Will and the name of your Mother in Laws Soliitor, the paperwork is not that complex. There are two parts to above that will allow you to manage the Estate the problem is your MIL has Dementia so the problem you may have is She is ill now and may not understand any paperwork she may need to sign. We then come down to NEXT of KIN, Someone will need to talk for the Mother in Law. and make decisions

    The other problem is you may need to go down the road or THE COURT of PROTECTION where they look after the Finances of M.I.L, they will look after the actual estate of the person. In my case they approached Her Family members and asked if they minded if they minded me acting of NEXT of KIN. before I attended to any meetings etc. 

    What happened in my case I was dealing with the estate at death and a Solicitor dealt with all the bills and Will. 

    You need to decide on the pathway the family wish to take. You will need to discuss that with Social Services.

    All I can advise in the first instance talk to CAB, as the whole thing can be very complicated and may have changed in the last few years especially when there is a property involved. As it may be the nursing homes will need to be paid. Sometimes this is left until death

    You all need to agree and support eachother with the whole set up the MIL may end up in a temporary nursing home before the paperwork has sorted, Social Services have a list of places in your area that will take Dementia Patients as some do not cater for that type of Patient

    In my case it was testing as I was not a first line relative. Sad to say you have things to sort. Good Luck


    • Posted

      Thank you for taking the time to respond to my question.

      My husband and I have Power Of Attorney (POA).

  • Posted

    If you have POA it will be your decision based on what the doctors say is necessary. You could move your mother in law in with you as long as you can give 24/7 care. This can be supported by your social services or if your MIL has funds carer or day care can be an option to provide respite for you both. I have been looking after both parents who have been advanced stages for the past five years. With a good support system it is easy but you do need respite. If you do not feel it is suitable long term then approach the preferred care home and get her on the list. Ask if they have day care or respite facilities so she can become accustomed to the changes. The social services may want to check your home to make sure it is suitable. If you feel it is ok still ask if there is anything that will make it easier to facilitate her needs. Incontinence Pads can be provided by the council. Shower chairs commodes etc. An occupational therapist is also part of the team that can assess her needs if she doesn't have her own funds these will be provided by the council (we all now pay for this through our council tax) I had carers for personal care upon my parents moving in. This included getting them up,showering and dressing along with toilet call up to four times a day. In the early stages my parents were resistant and by someone else doing it they did not associate me which made our relationship less stressful as I had the nice memories to share. I hope this helps. Love and blessings Julie

    • Posted

      Thank you.

      My husband and I have POA snd have been meeting my MILs needs alrhough up til now she has managed in her own home up until now. She has been receiving some support from care workers (meal prep) and Social Work are invlolved. Things have taken an unexpected nose dive , MIL in assessment unit and we have now been told will not be returning to her own home. She is physically fit-no meds? but requires prompts with all personal care.

      We are just unsure as to where we go from here and what rights we have to now make decisions on MILs behalf. It seems that we are now at the mercy of psychiatrists, social workers, and the complex care system.

      Much appreciate your support!!

    • Posted

      You have total rights to take her to your home and receive the same care package as she had at home. If your POA includes health and welfare then your MIL has clearly stated she wants you both to act for on her behalf as regards to decision making. I know the assessors can be quite bullish but you have to be firm as to what you are doing and they have to accept this. My parents improved once they were in my home. Just prior to them moving in they seemed to nosedive very quickly but I believe now it was because they were scared So don't despair. Stick to your guns and tell them your intentions. Tell them you feel you intend for to stay with you and when the time comes you will be moving her to your chosen nursing home. Make a care plan if what you feel you would like the carers to do i.e. Getting up and dressing. When my parents first moved in there routine was all over the place and they were wandering at night , one was always up but again I believe this was fear. The doctor prescribed a sleeping tablet for the first few months and they settled immediately into the bedtime routine. This is something that should be discussed if this is the case. The main thing they need to hear is you have a plan and you want support from the carers to give you respite. Without this they will not believe you will be able to cope and this would be more confusing for your MIL if she has to be moved twice. I have found it is very rewarding and we have created great memories for the futureWishing you well Julie

    • Posted

      Thank you Julie...this is encouraging and most helpful. I too believe that she is terrified where she is just now...she is very confused and thinks she is in a prison. It may be that she will not settle with us, but I feel strongly that I owe it to my MIL to give it a try....however, also feeling the weight of such a decision should it not work.

      Really appreciate your advice and 'bless' you. You have a great deal to cope with yourself. x

    • Posted

      I think I went through every scenerio prior to moving my parents in, which is natural. You cannot fail through trying and by doing what you believe is the right choice at the time. I was so scared I wouldn't be able to cope as it is life changing. But with the right support it is rewarding. I have a wonderful nursing home nearby that my parents go to respite every fourth weekend. My parents know their routine and are not distressed when they go as I let them know and stick to a routine.

      What is right at the time may not be right in the future and it may be the opportunity to move MIL to your preferred home comes  up. Just trust your instinscts and do what you feel is right at this time. I personally believe that if we do things for the right reasons we will always find the strength to carry us forward,  Love and blessings  

Report or request deletion

Thanks for your help!

We want the community to be a useful resource for our users but it is important to remember that the community are not moderated or reviewed by doctors and so you should not rely on opinions or advice given by other users in respect of any healthcare matters. Always speak to your doctor before acting and in cases of emergency seek appropriate medical assistance immediately. Use of the community is subject to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and steps will be taken to remove posts identified as being in breach of those terms.