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hi my mum has dementia and is quite bad with her short term memory the problem i have is with my 2 brothers that don,t think any things wrong with her as they do not see her every day like i do and it doesnt help when she is telling them that i am demanding money off her and telling all the neighbours thati go to the house when she is out it has caused me alot of heartache battling with mum and my brothers think i am controlling her but i just want the best for her i promised her i would look after her but all this is causing my health to suffer and i just feel like throwing the towel in and getting in touch with social to take over. has anyone else had this problem with family who has dementia.

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4 Replies

  • Posted

    You need to discuss some help from your Mams Doctor he will arrange some help.

    My Father had a Dementia and I also looked after an aunt who was found out when Her Husband died. She eventually ended up in a Nursing Home paying for Her treatment and been looked after.

    If you are having problems read the Alzheimers Society site and Dementia UK there is access to sites in Related Information. There will be problems sometime where you will need to be able to run here bills etc ad if you need to get access to bank accounts and pension you need to be able to run her finances. You are having problems so read the information pages and they will help you set everything up as you will need to make some family decisions, Regards Your Mams Estate. Possibly Court of Protection and the vital Power of Attorney wich you will need !!!!


  • Posted

    Hi Heather,

    You have all my sympathy. I'm afraid this is how people with dementia behave. My mum had dementia for the last 9 years of her life.

    I recognise this thing about appearing normal to everyone except the main carer. It's common in all dementia sufferers. This meant I couldn't get any help at all with my mother. She could barely find the toilet in her own house, but as soon as a doctor, nurse or social worker came into view she'd put on a bravura performance of being completely normal, and they wouldn't believe me. Her GP even told me on one occasion that I was the one needing psychiatric help, not my mum!

    I was an only child and my father was long dead before all this started. I shared Mum's care with a woman three years younger than me, who'd been the daughter of my Mum's best friend. When both her parents and her in-laws died when she was in her 20s with two young children, my parents kind of unofficially adopted her. Mum used to cause big problems between us, just like yours does. She'd tell me that my "sister" had said terrible, insulting things about me, but I never believed her. Then she'd say something similar to my sister about what I was supposed to have said. Unfortunately she always believed every word Mum said, and got very hurt. She ended up just walking away a year before the end because she couldn't take any more.

    Another problem arose when I took my mum to her GP for a routine visit. She was in poor physical condition by then and covered in bruises. This is because both of us have a hereditary blood condition where we don't make enough platelets, so bruise and bleed very easily (a bit like haemophilia but not nearly as dangerous). We saw a new doctor - a very nice girl but she only spoke a few words of English and didn't understand our humour. When she asked about the bruises, Mum laughed and said: "She keeps hitting me". I then received an official warning from the doctor! When I asked Mum not to say that again she just laughed and said the doctor's problem was that she couldn't take a joke.

    I'm afraid there's no easy solution to this kind of situation. I understand just how desperate you feel, I used to feel the same way. You could try calling in social services, but there's no guarantee your mum won't manage to convince them she's perfectly normal, just like mine used to. And of course, they don't take much convincing as they're keen to keep costs down anyway!

  • Posted

    Dear heather my Mum was diagnosed with Dementia 2 yrs ago now ! part of the problem is they get stubborn+very suspicious of things usually with the closest person to them she was taken in to Hospital after a fall + a D.O.L" deprivation of liberty order was put on her .Be aware that social will go down the road of wanting her put into care or will ask you to look after her .I was constantly upset by how my Mum treated me + she did not care "this was NOT my Mum" so i am going down the Deputyship road now so i alone can take care of her . There will be a time heather when you will need help with her also the money side of things are a nightmare as my Mum carehome is £580 a week if she has savings she will be expected to pay for her care .By the way my Mum is 94 and still giving me a headache !!! hope this helps John

    • Posted

      HI John, i have taken out a poa as my problem is my brother he has been in prison and is a bankrupt so his only sauce of getting any money is my mum he keeps taking her to the bank and they told the poa is the only thing that will stop him as he takes mum with him to the bank there,s nothing they can do. so its just a case of waiting now.


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