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Kaleah Kaleah

My 32 year old son has Autism /Aspergers

Apparently he is high functioning, but comes to our home every day and thinks that he is entitled. We are seniors who have 2 other sons who treat us with respect. How can we gradually help him to let go?

8 Replies

  • sunrise2801 sunrise2801 Kaleah

    I'm not quite sure what your post is supposed to mean, when you say apparently your son is high functioning asd, what is the coralation between that and him coming to visit you every day, what id it that he dos that annoys you so much? in what way does he direspect you and your home? you have not really explained anything, why do you want him to let go?, Most parents would love for their grownup children to bother visiting them.The thing with him is he will want to stick to what is familiar to him, same patterns of behaivour and routines. that is all part of being autistic, and it doesn't matter how old he is, he is still your child regardless of age. The same as your other two sons, why do they get different treatment, just because they live at home with you? I understand its difficult especially as we get older, with lack of finance ect, do your other son's contribute to the household and your asd son doesn't I am trying to understand but its difficult when you have written so little, it doesnt explain your situation in relation to your son and what he does within your home!!

    • Kaleah Kaleah sunrise2801

      Let me explain in more detail. He uses our car, brings it home on empty, and full of garbage. He does all of husband cooking here and leaves the kitchen in a greasy mess. He has 2 part time evening jobs, so he arrives at night and we hear him banging around in the kitchen at 3a.m. He is extremely negative about family. He is disrespectful in refusing to accept house rules and occasionally we have had to have the police intervene due to physical assaults. He is 6 foot 4 inches tall and almost 300pounds. Our other sons do not live at home! We have had professional help for him, and the family beginning when he was just under 2 years old. I want to impress on you that even the councillor are at a loss. We do not want to take out a no trespass order. Outside of our home, he is pleasant and shows that he knows how to be respectful. We have offered to make his apartment more comfortable, big screen t.v. as per the councillor's suggestions. He does not want it. He has virtually no friends. Do you need more?

  • GB31 GB31 Kaleah

    It sounds very much like an autistic person who works and lives in chaos, he can't help it, it's just the way he is.  Of course, trying to help him understand what you do and don't want, may mean either disciplining him, or maybe you could employ a family councillor to sit down with you and discuss available options.   I'm not sure what kind of personality your son has, but if you say he can interract with members of the public, and owns his own home, unless of couse you pay for it, I'm not sure what the problem is.  He feels safer in you home late at night than his owns?   Maybe its worth explaining to him how you both feel before you take out an injunction order, he will want you to explain clearly and with sympathy.

    • Kaleah Kaleah GB31

      We have had counselors since he was one year old. We have explained and discussed all throughout his life. He refuses to accept that he has autism. He doesn't own his home, he rents. He cannot do his own cleaning due to organizational problems. He has a non verbal learning disability and presents as smarter than he is. We love him to bits, but can no longer tolerate the chaos, sleeplessness (on our part ), negativity, and financial drain. He is so jealous of his brothers and appears to dislike most family except for his 88 year old grandparents.

    • GB31 GB31 Kaleah

      Hi Kaleah,

      I can associate with the condition as I have it. In fact I have a non verbal body language disorder as well as AS,and in the past have found it hard to manage, so depending on his age and how he deals with everyday existence as being a chore for him, he can't understand the impact it plays on others.

      Unlike your obvious love for him goes, continuous exasperation on your part will only serve to make things worse.

      I wouldn't dream about waking others up with banging pots and pans about, and the fact he loves his grandparents could mean that they show

      indifference and tolerance to how to accept him and understand his ups and downs.  The fact he works seems miraculous to me, how did he get the job?   He probably feels threatened and frustrated by his other siblings and feels inferior by them, so if his granddparents don't mind

      then maybe they could put a spare room up for him, that is if he pays rent, by whatever means he wishes to pay.  I'm sure that some

      agreement can be reached.

    • Kaleah Kaleah GB31

      Thank you for your response. Unfortunately, his grandparents at their age could not have him stay with them. They would not be able to handle his weird hours etc. He got his job through Ontario Second Chance which is a program that assists people who have challenges. His other job is through someone we know. We are proud of his accomplishments! Just wish he could show us a scrap of respect.

  • bonnie56 bonnie56 Kaleah

    My Son is 32 and severely Autistic and I myself would NEVER make this type of comment about him. I also Live in Minnesota and my son comes home every chance I have. As a matter of fact I am seriously thinking about bringing him home and removing him from his Group Home. I am 61. I am Not married. I have lived my life as a single Mother most of my Adult life. I am also on SSDI. I am disabled. Yet, with All my health problems, I would NEVER MAKE a comment about my Son EVER like you have on here. Your Son being the way he is, well lady, That's Life. Why would you say that you have 2 other children and you want your Son with problems he can't help you want him to LET GO? What kind of a comment is that to make about your Son? You really should be ashamed of yourself for saying this and thinking because your Son is DIFFERENT You want him to leave you alone. GOD help you when you meet our Lord up in heaven. You need to learn the difference between right and wrong, what you have stated on here is so wrong I am having a really hard time even making any comment to you at all. But I had to. Because you need help.

  • michelle68543 michelle68543 Kaleah

    I understand how you could feel very frustrated by this situation. Please don't listen to the poster who is trying to shame you. Your feelings are valid. It seems to me that you need to find a way to show tough love to your son. If he is high functioning then he should be held to a certain standard of respect or at least agree to specific requests from you (such as quiet in the house during certain hours, clean up after himself, etc). Try writing up a simple contract with him. List your rules/expectations in a specific, step by step manner. For example; One rule would be; clean up after you use the kitchen. Then list the specific steps to accomplishing this request. Such as; 1) wipe down the counter: Here is how to do this; Find a rag {under the sink}, find ajax cleaning spray. Spray the counter and then wipe off the spray with the towel. You know you are finished with this task when you do not see anymore crumbs or food residue on the counter and you have Put away cleaning supplies. It will take a long time to write this contract in detail. However, it may be worth it. Sit down with him and tell him that when he is in your house he is going to have to show respect and kindness towards you. ( and that by following the rules on the contract he will be showing respect and kindness to you). Tell him that if he can't follow the house rules he will not be allowed to visit anymore. Make sure you date the contract and then you sign it and have him sign it. You might also want to find a mentor for him. Perhaps someone at church familiar with Aspergers. Unfortunately, If this doesn't work you might have to resort to getting an official order (restraining order?) to not allow him to use your property anymore. No matter what, you need to find several resources/people who can support you with this tough situation. I wish you the best. P.S. I have Aspergers myself. I was assessed by a well qualified PhD. psychologist familiar with autism. 

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