My boyfriend has Ankylosing Spondylitis and he’s pulling away from me.

Hi Monica,

I recommend he seek a rheumatologist who can help him manage the inflammation with the right medicine. I've been through the flare ups and it seems the times when I have almost no pain has been when I am on a biologic drug. It really helps to keep trying other biologic drugs when one doesn't work. I went without for years but now I am on Cosentyx and it really is a life changer. Unfortunately, I did not manage it well before this and my spine is curved over now. I'm also on a nonsteroidal drug, Voltaren extended release and doing a gluten free diet. So far so good in the last month. I hope this helps.

Hi, I'm sorry to hear this. Is he on any kind of medication? I've had AS for 2 yrs and had very bad flear ups not been able to walk for a week... Medications help and for me swimming and walking (when able to). It's sounds you are very patient with him which is important. Unfortunately being depressed is part of this condition as well. I hope he will get through his flear up quickly!

His AS sounds very severe and as if he doesn't take any sort of decent medication. Does he see a rheumatoligist? If so, what is he prescribed?

As a man with the same prescription I have found any and all NSAID prescription worthless, but biological meds such as Enbrel and Humira make a huge difference. Narcotic painkillers have been a blessing, by both decreasing pain, increasing mobility, sex drive and keeping me in good spirits. It might not be a politically correct thing these days to take painkillers, but the benefits cannot be discounted. Just be aware that dependence and tolerance might comes with use. Addiction and abuse can be avoided if he sees a good doctor who is compassionate.

People with Arthritis should have a right to be able to access any form of pain relief available.

I'm so sorry to hear this.

I know this maybe sounds counter-intuitive but he has to move as much as he can. He needs to see a doctor asap. When my flare up got so bad I was put on cortisone which stopped it. This is not a great option and when I was prescribed it since for not such a bad flare up I wouldn't take it. But it helped me immensely when I was unable to move and in horrible pain due to back muscle spasms.  

My protocol was not to take NSAIDs since they are bad for the stomach. I changed my diet (look it up diet for AS which is basically no starch diet, I also cut out the sugar and am now stopping all fruit for a while due to some other issues I'm having). 

I do yoga, stretching and would go swimming but our public pool is in a horrible condition. I try to walk at least 45 min a day. Going shopping doesn't count it needs to be a proper walk. 

I know it's hard but he has to take care of himself WITH your help, you cannot do things for him. This is happening to him not to you. 

You mention depression. He should also seek therapy. Even though there is a cause for his depression it's not less serious than what people usually think of when they use that word - everything's fine but a person's still unhappy, loses interest in activities and people he liked...

I would also advise caution when it comes to dealing with depression alone including OTC drugs (St. John's Wart) let alone abusing prescription drugs.

What he can do is guided meditation (there are some specific for pain as well!), mindfulness practices (google Jon Kabat-Zinn)... it REALLY helps for AS and depression.

Wish you all the best!

Hi Monica,

Look into proper nutrition. Meds managed most of my AS symptoms, but I didn't go into long-term remission until I got my eating right. I was bed ridden for over a year, and my whole lower spine fused over. Now I've been off all meds for 8 years now, and skateboard every day at age 53! I needed to go off all processed and high starch foods. In a nut shell, if it cannot be eaten in it's raw state, it is not real food. Eat all your potatoes and veggies and fruit either raw or cooked, but stay away from grain/flour/wheat/rye/barely like the plaque. Gluten is being connected to more and more autoimmune diseases (causes the intestines to dump undigested foods and toxins into the blood, which triggers immune system).

Hi Monica I can relate I think although I haven't been diagnosed very long (6months)I think when you get a flare up it brings home how severe the condition is especially if your used to being a very active person and sometimes I take it out on my wife who is active and goes to several gym classes it  is unfair but understandable I am 42 and have to accept my five aside football days and circuit training days are over but as I say it is hard if you have been an active person,best of luck

I have had as for many years only being diagnosed this year. I am 35 no children etc. yes he needs to see docs which I’m sure he does but to answer your question to the best of my ability I understand how he feels.  My husband wanted a child with me and I could never have one in this condition. I couldn’t pick up, chase after or even carry a child. This can make you push away. Sex, physical intimacy is extremely hard and painful. Another reason to push away.  Things I use to do like running, bike riding , rollerblading , horse riding will be as part of my life again.  My career I worked very hard for is on hold.   My friends don’t want to hang with me because I don’t stand up well or walk well (I need 2 hips) I mention all this stuff because I’m sure he feels similar.  It makes you question things, your relationship, your partners happiness, god all that. It tests your mental condition and many other things. All I can say is be patient. We live with a lot of pain. We can be cranky, sore etc and it rarely gets “better” If he is tired on date night stay in and order food. Understand this is a difficult thing to live with. He may think he can’t be the type of man you want , but if you love him relationships are compromise.  Don’t push, but if you can’t live with someday maybe no sex and I’m not sure if you have kids etc but knowing he might not be able to do too much etc you have to think so you don’t get resentful toward each other.  My husband is mentally ill, I’ve been patient and understanding for him and he is repaying me now ! So I hope you guys find a balance ! But since you go this far I think you’ll be ok ❤️ Best Wishes 

Hi, I was suffering for over a year with the worst flare up of my life. I have had some really down times. I hope maybe what I learned can help you. There are some different levels of depression that you feel well going through the pain. The things that my boyfriend did that helped the most was, he asked me if I needed anything, just as simple as that. no specific things just hey do you need anything. when i was tired and in so much pain and just wanted to curl up in the dark. he did to, just curled up held my hand and napped/relaxed no talking or chatting even if he had a million stories to tell me. he was just there for me. He never expected me to feel his feelings about me pulling away he just had to trust that I loved him. He had to be a rock. So I could get better and focus on me. Its exhausting being in so much pain. Everything takes more work. your slower and it takes so long to do the "easiest" things. With that said. I felt so selfish because I didn't even have the energy or the ability to focus long enough during the pain to listen to his stories about his days. At a certain point you end up feeling like your never going to feel better. I love walking down by the water its relaxing and so pretty. I thought I was never gonna get to walk by the water without pain again. That thought hurt. It was debilitating. When you feel like that you need something to give you hope so you can start to fight to get back the most important things. My bf took time to find ways so I could do things that i loved even if I had to do them differently. He made the foods I love because it made me smile. And when I didn't smile. He kept doing them. He didn't give up. So. DON'T GIVE UP. I hope that helps give you ideas of what you can do for him.

For ways to help with the pain. He does have to walk a little or move and stretch at least. My bf would help me stretch I asked him to help. But guys are stubborn so you might have to offer to help. With the help I was able to stretch further and deal with the pain better well stretching. As for the Medication. Prednisone will help get some inflammation down. However it is not a long term medication. He will have to stop taking that at some point. it is terrible on the stomach and liver. I recently started Humira (in combination with methotrexate.) It has helped so much. There are a lot of risks but there are with any medication. For me the benefit outweighs the risk. Also anti-inflammatories are just terrible on the stomach. I do hope he reconsiders the medication. I hope you guys all the best.