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My boyfriend is depressed & spiraling downward. Unsure how to help?

Posted , 5 users are following.

kv48356
kv48356

Next month my boyfriend and I will be celebrating our two year anniversary. However, over the past few months, I've witnessed him slip further and further into a frightening pit of darkness. He is my best friend in the whole world, I used to feel that no one understood me quite like him. We are both in college, he is 21 and I am 20. 

Alcoholism runs in his family, and we have had many discussions about his alcohol use. He drinks excessively and uses alcohol as a coping mechanism and an escape. Weeks ago, we spoke about this and decided that he needed to go to therapy to deal with the feelings of worthlessness and lack of motivation he has been experiencing lately. I thought he had been going to his appointments, then found out he had been lying to me about them. We recovered from this ordeal and I forgave him once he shared with me how ashamed he felt of his lying and how low he really is.

Well, things were going well, or so I thought. Come to find out after a weekend spent with his family up north, he got fired from his job three weeks ago. I found this out after a weekend of him avoiding me to drink/sleep in order to avoid real life.

I was beyond hurt and I still am. I found this out a week ago. I almost ended it with him once he finally texted me back and we got to meet up and talk. He told me he needs me and cannot do this without me, he cannot get back to his old self without me by his side and he does not know who he would be without me in his life. 

He has started seeing a different therapist and gone to one appointment. I've offered to go with him and just wait outside of his session for support. He said he doesnt need that, He sends me proof that he attends (this was his idea). So I know he has gone to one appointment at least.

He is as low as I have ever seen him. He is not the boyfriend I fell in love with years ago. I miss him terribly and I don't know what to do. Selfishly, I miss my best friend and have had a really hard year myself and wish I had some support and love from him. But, I know he cannot give me 100% right now because he is not even 100%.

But... I am so hurt and betrayed by the lies, but do not know if his disease is to blame?

Also, he says he thinks that he is an alcoholic and needs help. But he keeps falling back on the drink. This is also hard because being in college, we are surrounded by alcohol in social settings all the time. But I am willling to sacrifice that to support him because I love him so much.

I keep asking him if he needs to do this on my own, because I can't help but wonder if the only solution is to break up although I am SO scared of what he will end up doing to himself if I leave him. But, I am becoming so frustrated and resentful. I HATE to be ignored and he is shutting me out completely. I've sent a few heated text messages that I wish I could take back and that I am sure won't help him...

But it's gotten to the point where now his mom is reaching out to me saying he won't text her back or answer any of his families messages and calls.  They were in the dark about his problems and i just said he has been very depressed lately, withdrawing from me, and that I am worried too.

Do I stay with him, and try my best to support him, even though now I am seeing that this is affecting me?

I mean, I've been up since 3 am crying about this because I miss him and have not heard from him all day. I have a presentation in four hours that I should be preparing for, but my heart is not in it when my best friend is hurting so badly.

He has withdrawn from his friends and the only time he has human contact is when he is hanging with me, comes over to my house and sees me and my roommates. This is also why I am worried to break up with him, but I keep thinking it may be what is best for him, and for me as well.

any insight on dealing with a partner who has depression would be so so appreciated. i am feeling so sad and alone myself.

1 like, 14 replies

14 Replies

  • amanda35274
    amanda35274 kv48356

    Posted

    Ohhhhh this post has really touched me bcoz i actually married my best friend and we both had similar pasts and issues xx where as i know its different to yrs as u havent. U will get lots of diff advice on here kv all valid in their own right. But after reading all of them as we all sincerely want to help remember u have to also kp urself well. U dont want it to make u feel as we do. I in the past i have used alchohol to cope and prescription meds antihistamines to knock me out and numb the pain and that was in the past. And yr so ashamed and u do lie to the one u absolutely love the most at least in my case as i just cant bear to hurt anybody and its only wen u come out of whatever addiction ur using to survive daily life that u can see the dishonesty hurts more. I come from a family long line of alchoholics & to survive a terrible childhood too i just kept everything in for yrs n yrs not always lying just not telling anyone anything & they cant read u it makes them feel helpless. I stayed married 7 yrs but it took its toll both either happy or depressed at diff times but remain friends to this day and co parent better than most couples we know who parted as we wanted better for her. I so commend u for supporting him as its so so hard ive been on ur side & his. Show him my post if it helps it can be overcome. Bumps in the rd but gets better. U must worry and miss him and he needs to know this but ultimately sometimes when youre so low u f**k it up and realise wen its too late. Talk again tell him how youre feeling & if yr going to stay wat u need from him and ull be there for the ride so2 speak also there are groups in most areas for family members affected by alchoholism & drug abuse & u can let ur feelings out without judgement. Aww good luck. Private msg me if needed. Things can get better but u need support to stay well too xxx

    • kv48356
      kv48356 amanda35274

      Posted

      Thank you for replying & sharing your experience Amanda! Hearing that my post resonated with you and touched you honestly helps me. It really makes things easier to hear from someone that has used alcohol to cope and numb the pain just like my BF is doing. It also makes me feel better that the lying could just be because he doesn't want to hurt me. How funny because it only hurts more...

      I am so happy you and your partner are still friends and co parents though. I hope that you are doing well now. Thank you for the support and advice....

      I hope he will reply to me so I get a chance to talk to him and really lay out what I need from him to stay "for the ride."

      You mentioned your alcohol and drug use to cope was in the past. How did you eventually get past that point of your life?

    • amanda35274
      amanda35274 kv48356

      Posted

      Hi hun. I got past it thru not wanting the same life for my daughter so although not the same for yr bf at mo a life with u & family if wanted in the future is a huge driving force to wanting to get well. The person with the addiction has got to want it kv. Thats the key xx also i went strait to the gp and was referred to a local support group who had therapy sessions throughout the week all who had and were going thru the same thing. We wud chat have a brew just talk about things u wouldnt talk about to family. Which makes it easier on yr loved ones. There was relapses on the way but each time i went back and said i need meds groups alone arent enough & was put on antabuse at one time and naltrexone another most used in drug addiction but successful in alchiholism too. Look up online at both as too long to type its like a security blanket. It helped me and i must stress its hard being invited to weddings or parties so i tend to pass on the ones that i can so i put myself in at least trouble as if yr not feelin grt on that day yr setting urself up for a fall. Like goin to disneyland with no money for a ride!! Hope tht helps xxx

    • kv48356
      kv48356 amanda35274

      Posted

      I'm happy to hear that the support group helped you. Maybe my BF needs that, however I don't see him having the energy or motivation to take that step right now. I can only hope in his session with the therapist this week he gets some relief.

      I will look into those meds, thank you for that. 

    • kv48356
      kv48356 amanda35274

      Posted

      As someone who has dealt with addiction yourself, do you think if I end things with my BF that is best for him? Does he now need to deal with this on his own?

      Or do I stick it out? I don't even know what boundaries I would mention? I am so lost and my brain is cloudy.

    • amanda35274
      amanda35274 kv48356

      Posted

      Hi kv. U are never responsible for someone elses life. Thst is wholly their decision. Because if u did end things and they threatren suicide etc which my ex did thats cruel but its just that they dont want u to go its a drastic effort to kp u. But u cannot ever b held responsible. Secondly def look up those meds and i honestly dont want to tell u to leave or stay it has to be yr decision. But i can say if ur starting to feel ill then maybe go on a spa break if affordable tell him u love him but yr finding this hard & talk to him about the poss of the meds if hes not up to the groups yet. Wat ya think?

  • daniel81683
    daniel81683 kv48356

    Posted

    You need to make a choice. If this a marriage commitment relationship or not. A certificate is a piece of paper that confirms the following. do you want to sacfrice yourself to help him and be bound to him for a very long time and watch as you grow older together with no promise of things working out but take one day at a time. Or is this self preservation and actually you dont love him and cant find it within yorself to srick it out. Not a pleasant situation. In a relationship with alcohol you loss in the short run. Who are you and exactly what do you want in life. YOU are NOT responsible for his actions or behaviour. Live and feel it and work that one out as a fact. then take the next step as an alcoholic. The demon behind alcohol IS a manipulator. your partner will use sex as a tool against you. so that the dillema that you described. Yes of course you will miss him and yes of course you want to help him and yes he can be charming. Face the situation for what it is.

    Right now face this demon for what it is. dont be trapped into anything that you cant handle. do you have family that can help you and advise you. do not face this on your own unless you are able to cope with it. He IS pedendant on acohol and it IS beyond your experience if life. Being on the wagon or abstinance is the only solution. Face it and start to deal with it.

    This is real life and nothing prepares you for it . you want to know more then go to an alcoholics annoymous meeting and inform you college. no hiding no compromise get it all out in the open or see you relationships and life destroyed. the earlier you deal with it the better chance or recovery. be under no illusions alcohol is a poison and it destroys the body and dependacy will slowly kill all the organs.

    • kv48356
      kv48356 daniel81683

      Posted

      Thank you for the reply and the help Daniel. You are right, I DO need to make that choice and decide whether or not this is a relationship I want to turn to marriage and last forever. I used to think so, but these past few months and his lies and actions have made me think otherwise.

      You're right though ...I need to work out the fact that I am not responsible, as you said. Thank you for that hard fact.

      How do I make that decision right now though, when he is not the person he once was?

      Do you think this is more of an alcoholism issue, or depression? Should i even have any sort of hope that I will get the man back that I met years ago?

    • daniel81683
      daniel81683 kv48356

      Posted

      If he has a family history of this then its harder to break because HE is conditioned from birth into certain behaviour habits.

      SO manipulation and lying and cheating are okay and normal for him if he has grown up with these behaviour habits. Its part of the deal of alcoholic addiction.

      Without abstinance then no. you were blessed or in terms you may better understand lucky. you have had a glimpse of a real beauty. As the dependancy kicks in its like senile dentia which i have witnessed it in all its glory from yes i love you to walching the grave go into the ground.

      Seen and watched as my alcohol step father in law died.

      PLEASE try to live yourself into some sense of reality whether thats comfortable or not then thats up to you. He has gone and unless he choses to give up consuming alcohol for life and make a witnessed vow

      to that effect then nothing else will makes sense or matters.

      Try to make an informed conversation with him about it if you can. The dependancy on alcohol feeds on feeling of depression because they are disturbing and uncomfortable.

      Because you love him then its going to have an impact in you much more than you give credit for now. Initial Physical attraction helped him to be something better but its never enough. Because men look for constant gratification and there is a habit to seek for a constant new expression it it when one source dries up. Its not healthly but then addiction isnt.

      If it helps you then live in the reality that you first love has gone. i dont know the situation well enough.

    • kv48356
      kv48356 daniel81683

      Posted

      Thank you for being so straight forward and honest.

      I guess I need to get used to the fact that my first love is coming to an end and there is not much more I can do for him anymore. It's just heart breaking.

      I am just worried that me breaking up with him will send him into an even darker hole. Do you think that is what he needs as a wake up call?

    • amanda35274
      amanda35274 daniel81683

      Posted

      Hi daniel i agree with kv in making herself the best informed choice to live a life thats happy and fulfilled for her and settling for nothing less. As in my posts above. But i am proof the longline of dishonesty, addiction and coping mechanisms of the hereditary dysfunctional family CAN be broken. & thats going as far as i know back to @ least 1880. Xx so i hope the same for others all im saying is a lot of wat uve said is true but its not always ingrained and can be unlearned through love & understanding also via lots of groups such as this that dont affect yr loved ones. Good advice tho daniel xx

    • daniel81683
      daniel81683 kv48356

      Posted

      You leaving him is something you need to come to terms with without the consequences and as a result of a conversation when he is sober. He will not necessarly connect with such a move so make a change for you and if he changes for the btter then good and if he does not then that part of HIS condition as an alcoholic. You should only stay knowing that he wont get better on his own. It will not have a short term good impact on your life in the short term either. Relationships are sometimes messy beyond the first love. thats life. If you dont like what you got yourself into then nows the time to have a proper you think on it.
  • borderriever
    borderriever kv48356

    Posted

    KV

    Drink makes people lie and become manipulative, you seem to be in the possible early stages and I would imagine He will most probably not go to get help.

    He needs to fall sufficiently to understand He needs help and is willing to heal His addiction. Personally it may be He needs to miss you and look towards help in His own write.

    Some say Tough Love is the only way, He is having problems at college and He will not see what is happening to himself.

    You now need to decide what you are willing to put up with, Drink can bring down good past relationships and it can also revert to breaking the Law through theft etc.

    You loved a different person than now, He has been a good partner to you, this could be destroyed, and it would cause a great deal of pain.

    Personally I would move on, you need proven assurences when He goes for treatment. He need to stop drinking and prove that to you every day.

    He can no longer smell the landladies apron again and stick to milk. If that is not possible it has to be GOODBYE.

    BOB

    BOB

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