My boyfriend is suffering from PTSD and pushing me away what do I do?

Hi. I too have experienced some of the same lines as Charlotte's experience. I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 5 years. My boyfriend is retired army; has been diagnosed with PTSD has never seemed to a knowledge it. When I have brought it up he gets really defensive about it. He tends to shut down and withdrawal himself for everyone. He also pushes me away telling me were not good for each other. But as son as we split it, we get back together. How can I talk to him about getting help when he thinks nothing is wrong? I love him very much but how can I get to him stop pushing me away? And he believe that I'm not going anywhere.

I do not know if taking care of herself first [which might seem like giving up on him at start] will *only* make it worse because some people have to hit their own version of bottom to find the will to get out. I say this as someone with PTSD. I am glad that you and your wife made it through and you found the will to get help and continue but you must have sensed the bottom?

still i say support group might be helpful especially for those times when he is needing space

Hi Matt

i want to know what would you recommend on my situation. I figure you and my bf have gone thru same issues, he is 36, he left the Army 2-3 years ago; he was on the artillery in Afghanistan where probably as you has to see things that can break the toughest mind.

I've been with my bf since summer 2015 and things were off and on with him on the way that he sometimes will just withdraw from everybody for couple days and no return phone calls or even talk to anyone on his days off. Well now we are at a stage where he is totally withdrawal from me; last time I talked to him which is a month ago, he said he loved me but there is this overwhelming feeling to be left alone. All this bad PTSD stage came after a lot of stress at work and lack of sleep. He started to get flashbacks and bad dreams. Always alert and moody. He has never been aggressive with me or even raise his voice.

His brothers even once complained to me that he was not answering calls and that he didn't care much about his new niece which I know he adores.

So in a way I thought it was only me, but now for Xmas he didn't even contact me at all but I know he spend it with his family, which I was happy he did, at least he was not alone, but it hurts the fact that he couldn't even say hi.

Is it easier to deal with a brother or relatives that with your significant other?

He said he has gone thru therapy but still has not found one in which he feels comfortable with. He is not

Consistent and I know that he needs to in order to overcome falls backs.

I know you precipisly said to not give up on them, but how to reach them when they don't reach back to you and you just feel being ignored or like you don't exist?

Mine does the same we been together 13 months and last night he's told me he loved me for the first time and he's told me over n over them words would never come out of his mouth. The only thing u can do is to be patient with him. It's not you it's him and he needs to deal what's ever his going on in his head. Trust me it's hard, try not to over think things when he goes through pulling away and ignoring you. Let him have his space he'll be back. The best thing for you to do is research and read everything u can about ptsd, your not alone. I've learned a lot and it's helped me cope with him ignoring me. It gets better in time your more likely gonna go through this for a while. Things will be great then the next day he won't talk to you for days, weeks even months. Believe it or not this is when he needs you the most. Mine can treat me like complete trash yet can be so amazing. Their is a side of him he don't want me to see but I'm not going any where. They usually don't feel deserving of our love and need to be re assured a lot that we're not going any where. Keep yourself busy friends, work, school maybe find a support group in your area? I'm thinking I may go see a therapist so I can better understand him. I don't have many friends and the ones I do, do not understand and tell me I'm crazy for staying in which I'm not. A vet with ptsd is rare and unique I honestly wouldn't change mine for the world he's different then others. These men are very much deserving of our love and so much more. Just make sure if your gonna stay, know that it's going to be a rollercoaster and you'll have good days and bad. It takes a strong person to love someone with ptsd. I'm not sure if you can PM in here but if you need someone to talk to I'm here.

I agree on that people don't get it. They think the same that I'm crazy for staying with him. But they don't get it that it's a man trapped on the man they don't like. He has told me that he doesn't deserve me and that I deserve better. I had told him I deserve the man I love and that I won't leave him. Last time I saw him was a day before my bday and that's because I hasn't hear from him for 3 months and I went to his place and waited for him to get home after work.

He saw me and he didn't know what to say. I asked him if he has seen my txt and he said yes. I asked him why he hasn't reply to anyone, he just said he didn't know.

I have never yelled at him, I just softly talk to him.

We were going to spend thanksgiving together because after I left that day that I saw him he said he was going to try. He stayed in touch for 4 days and then when we couldn't spend thanksgiving together because he has to stay at work he got mad at work and he told me: I'll see you tomorrow hun after work. That was nov 24, and it's still the time I haven't heard from him.

These holidays, my bday, his bday and tomorrow New Years has been very hard. I miss him so much and yes I do educate myself on PTSD but I'm also human and it hurts the feeling of missing him so much and that feeling that maybe he doesn't miss me at all.

My boyfriend told me pretty much the same...that I deserve better. He said he has nothing to offer. He ignored Valentines Day. I'm grieving the man I fell in love with. And I'm taking care of myself by working out, taking classes, keeping busy.

OMG, reading your story, I thought you were talking about my lfe. I have been seeing an retired Army man with PTSD for about a year. In that year he has broken things off at leat 20 times. The first months every time we got any where near being close...it was "I think we should stop seeing each other." Then it was " I think we should stop sleepting together.' Just this morning he sent me a message saying "I do not want you anymore." I have learned just to let him have his space but it is so hard because each time I think he is not coming back. I ask him " why he keeps coming back and he tells me he really never left. This is so hard and I want to walk away all the time but I can't. I keep hanging on. Like, I said he just told me that he did not want me anymore but now he told me to come over but I cannot talk about this. He does not want to deal with what makes him like this. I have read everything I can on PTSD but you post was like reading my own life.

Hi Matt - 

First, thank you for your service. You’ve done the kind of work most people could not, or would not, do. I’m sure your wife feels very lucky to have you. And I know she’s proud of you. I am sure you feel the same about her. That’s wonderful. 

Secondly,  thank you for your perspective. I’ve been searching for a combat vet w PTSD to talk with. The closest I’ve gotten is a chance run in with an Uber driver (former combat vet w PTSD) who drives at night because he can’t sleep. The second closest is the PTSD therapist I go to. He sees veterans exclusively at the VA. He agreed to take me (because I wouldn’t go away) and because I’m determined to know what my Army Ranger combat vet is going through. Education is the only thing keeping me positive and steady in my relationship. 

My boyfriend’s military experience is similar to yours - 9 years as an Army Ranger and two back to back tours in Afghanistan. I wish I could take this pain from him and ease his suffering. I stay with him for three reasons:  I love him,  PTSD is not his fault, and I’m just not willing to give up on us. 

He gets really mad at me and calls me names. I hate to admit the verbal abuse, but that’s what it is. I put up a shield when he’s angry at me so that I don’t take the critisisms personally, and that usually works. He says I’m manipulative and selfish. That’s fine. I can understand that PTSD makes him think that my helping him is manipulative - and that I’m only trying to help him because it benefits me. Also I am apparently ruining his life. 

I don’t fight back because it only escalates the situation, and gets worse for me. I don’t react to the yelling and name-calling - and that makes him mad too. It’s had to be tough and resilient all the time. 

He’s being treated w meds and going to therapy - and doing EMDR. I’m proud of him for that.

He compares PTSD to having a bad dog. Sometimes that bad dog is mean and it’s loud and it’s embarrassing - but he’s got some loyalties to that bad dog because it’s got him out of some pretty ugly situations. I get that. I just wish I could take it away from him. 

It’s not his fault that he has PTSD. (But it is his fault when he’s a jackass.) I’m trying to differentiate the two. 

My prayers for him are constant and unwavering. 

I have no question for you. I just wanted to thank you for weighing in on this site. I’ve been searching for a combat vet to chat with - I was excited to read what you had to say. 

You should consider a business model. Judging from this site, you’d have a remarkable amount of business.

Sometimes, when my vet shoves me away, I need to regain strength - and education is the best way to focus on how to make a negative situation into a positive one. 

We are grateful for your service and your participation on this site. 

Blessings to you and your wife. 

Best, 

G 

Thank you 

Gail1960 sent you a private message hun. 

I’d love to read it but I don’t know how to get it. 

I sent it to Gail in a private message but I’ll post it so all can read🙂

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I haven’t wanted to log on to this site because as of April he called it quits for good. After replying back to Angelica’s post a year ago my Vet decided he wanted a relationship even bought me flowers and spoiled me rotten. I the side he never allowed anyone to see. Met his ex wife and kids for the first time and even his family that lives outta state. The 4 months we shared together was AMAZING! He ended it April 8 on Easter when I had met his parents. I honesty had no idea what had happen. It was like a switch flipped and all that hard work and he’ll i went through was thrown out the window. He treated me like I was worthless that day. I pulled him aside to ask what was wrong and how could I make it better and he wasn’t happy when I tried to talk to him about it. He said he wasn’t treating me like crap and just walked outta the bedroom. Every time I went to go sit with him or talk to him while his family was around he would just get up and move to another seat and look at me like I was dumb with this awful look. This was a side that I also never saw. Yes he could be a jerk but only thing he really done was pull away and go days weeks months with out contact. Leading up to the breakup we were in the room again and I tried to talk to him to tell him how I had felt and that was a trigger that night I guess Bc he lost his crap on me and through me around the bedroom then told me it was over for good and to get in his truck he was taking me home. I figured he’d be back and after about 3 weeks he was but he wasn’t him. He would tx and at 1-2 am saying “ come cuddle with me, not sex just cuddle. I again ran right to him. We’d of course have sex I couldn’t keep my hands off him ever. The amount of sex we had in that 18 months was insane lol. I’d also try talking to him and cry in his arms and begging him to come back. The next day when I’d get up to leave and try to tx him the night he would block me. I downloaded a txn app to tx him and he threaten to put a no contact order on me and to never contact him again. This went on from May to the beginning of July this year. I went over there one day and he said I can’t do this to you anymore it isn’t fun anymore, your going to end up killing yourself Bc of me. I’m no good for you I can never love you I can see how much control I have over you I can minipulate you this has to end. I was beyond devastated at that point I finally believed that this wasn’t going to work. I had to let go of the one thing I loved more then life. ( other then my kids) it’s almost been 6 months since I’ve seen him. I have talked to him through tx 2 maybe 3 times. Last time I tx him was November 10 and wished him happy Veterans Day and happy Marine Corps Birthday. It’s been a struggle that’s for sure but with each passing day I’m getting better. His contact stuff is deleted. All the stuff we shared together, pictures bday cards his shirts his wedding ring ( I asked him to marry me March 14) all that is in a box. I how ever still keep some of the pics on fb. I’ve begain working on myself. Healing process isn’t easy I still have weak moments but I haven’t had that desire to text him. If I could go back to the beginning I would in a heart beat just to get back them 4 amazing months with him. I have also became best friends with Angelica the girl that started this thread/post. We haven’t met in person but we talk Almost everyday and through out the year she’s been my rock and I’ve been hers as well. She isn’t with her Vet any longer as well. So that’s why I’ve struggled with coming back to this thread. Didn’t wanna read what I’d write but I’m stronger now then back then. I’m sorry your or or were going through this. It’s probably the hardest thing you’ll ever do. 

Hi my name is Megan and I'm recently starting to date a guy with PTSD and starting to have feelings for him and need someone to talk to. We were together all day this past Saturday. On Sunday and some of Monday he spent time with his two teenage daughters and then called me in the evening and when I called him back he didnt pick up his phone but he texted me back saying he just got home from working out and was tored and already took his sleeping meds. When I asked him if I could come be with him he got mad. He has ignored my text messages all day today. I want to knock on his door but at the same time I want to keep this going and don't want to bother him so he can get in a better mood and we can see each other tomorrow. HELP.

Hello Megan and Welcome!

From my own experience with my sufferer, please just give him a little time to pull it back together. Sometimes they may get triggered due to something said or done and it doesn’t have to come from you. I’m currently dealing with an isolation/shut-out from my ex who broke up with me for convoluted reasoning. Remember, the ptsd brain doesn’t process things they way a brain without ptsd would. They can totally irrational due to feelings that don’t make sense to us, but it definitely does to them. Good luck with your bf, and please whatever you do, have plenty of patience. You’re gonna need it...

If this is something you think you can handle then your in for a long ride. It’s one of the hardest relationships you’ll ever be in. You will have  to learn patience. You will have to understand that he’ll go back and forth, he’ll ignore you days, weeks even months. Your basically dating 2 different ppl. Its all about how you react to his triggers and mood swings. Your more then likely gonna have to change yourself in order to deal with this.  I had to change a lot. How I reacted to him, my tone of voice, I had to re word things so he wouldn’t get angry. I had to learn to be patient when he pulled away. I had to understand that it’s not me it’s the ptsd. I had to control my anger and not get mad or show up at his house or blow his phone up. They require a lot of space. They hate conflict and will do anything to avoid it.  I can’t really give you anymore advise just know that more then likely,  this is how it’s gonna be. I spent countless nights bawling my eyes out. This isn’t gonna be easy at all! You’ll have amazing moments with him and you’ll have a lot of heartache with him. Just keep in mind that when he pulls away  and  ignores you, it’s  not because of anything you did. Don’t be hard on yourself or think you’re not good enough. It takes a very strong person to handle a person with ptsd. I’m here if you need an ear to talk to. Good luck ❤️

hi,.my boyfriend and I were only 4months but we are in a long distance rationship.but during our 1st 2months he already told me about his PTSD.but im not sure if he is still under therapy now.he always pushes me away but i always told him im not going anywhere and that im just here for him and to understand him.but i  made sure that i wont hurt him.and he also told me everything about his past relastionship.and he even open up to me how he is very careful bot to be hurtbut on our 4th month.i open up to him about my past eperiences with my x-boyfriends.because he always tells me that he dont want secret and that he dont want anything to be hidden from him especially my about my past.he got mad about it but eventually we were able to talked about it and even started to have a new life and rebuild what has been destroyed.but everytime his PTSD triggers he always go back to the past and tells me every bad words he knows and even insult me.and almost give up.but he will say sorry and he will admit what he had done but evrytime his PTSD triggers we always start to hurt each other.every thing that im telling him.he always took it in a negative way.we love each other but he feels that what has been damaged cant be rebuild anymore.because i just feel that he doesnt what to forget his past and to just move on.he is stuck in his past and and he doesnt want some one to be with him.i even told him to seek counselling.because he really need someone to talk to.HE is just so sensitive and accusing me of things i didnt do.

I came here seeking help for my Navy Seal veteran. Your words are very helpful thank you. I will ask “what can I do to help.” I would never leave him but I get very lonely. He doesn’t enjoy things, he is so uncomfortable around people that we rarely go anywhere. When we do he sort of makes me miserable so I quit asking. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you for serving Matt!

I am in a new relationship with a Marine Veteran with PTSD. For the first 3 months, it was perfect. Easy and effortless. And suddenly he is pulling back, going back on his word, cancelling plans made far in advanced at the last moment. He won’t talk. I ask him questions and the response I get is, “I don’t know.”  I don’t know what to do. I’ve fallen for him. I am understanding and empathetic because I suffer from non-combat related PTSD.  I possess my own set of triggers. How do I reach him before this relationship begins to unravel?

Gail i have just went through the same thing! my heart is breaking!! my bf ended it with me after becoming very angry the other night.

He is accusing me of deceiving him and lying! A year and a half of an amazing love and this... like im nothing! he has been so terribly mean with his words. i have tried to talk to him but he keeps telling me he wants nothing to do with me.

He takes medication , however drinks. He is honestly the most amazing man. I want so badly to reach out but im scared. How can he go from Loving me like crazy to this?!

want to talk about it? been dealing with the same thing

so true, thank you for your post it's very helpful

This is my first time he has pulled away, and everything was so amazing, I hope he comes back to me because i want him for the long haul

i forgot to say that we're in our 40's and he has treated me better than any other guy and iv'e never felt so much in Love and thinking about him makes me smile We were already making future plans together and hes the one that started this relationship lol anything besides space i can do for him i want so bad for him to start talking to me again that my heart aches most of the time

this is the first time he's pushed me away and i hope someone can share with me what to do to get him back, has only messaged me back 3 times in 2 weeks

i understand. Ptsd calls for behavior thats sometimes irrational, and all we can do is stand by and support. Take care of you, give him space, allow him to pull himself back together. If you put too much pressure on him, it could cause him more grief. Best of luck!

Thanks, If it is over or he wants to continue I would just like it if he would talk to me face-to-face (which he's trying to avoid) instead of over emails, he has not told me it’s over only that he’s not sure he can trust me, and this is over something I said in a joke which I now realize was a trigger

my ex doesn't like to communicate about anything when he is triggered. This year alone he has left 3 jobs due to his illness and I've been concerned about his well-being all year. One minute he is loving and caring, the next minute he is pushing me out of his life; I can't keep up. Sometimes they need their medication changed or adjusted, and sometimes they may even stop taking it because they feel fine. However it is, we can't make or keep them healthy; they have to do that. I've been standing by him for 3 years now and although i don't want to stop, i also am getting fed up with the inconsistent behavior.

Thanks! I've just been emailing him every couple days, I have no idea if he's still reading them or not i know he was, just like I believe in you, or Just wanted to let you know that i'm your friend unconditionally or i'll always be here for you. about a week into our relationship we talked about ptsd and anxiety and he knows that I have some anxiety along with bouts of depression. We both told each other that we are taking our medications and we both go to the gym, which I don’t believe he has been to since he basically has pushed me away. part of me is wondering why he can’t just tell me it’s over, even through a text, because if he did I could have some closure, The few times that he did email me back it didn’t even sound like him, just sounded mean and mad which I have never seen before. he holds a good job down and appears to be a very good worker. Makes it hard on figuring out what i should do, sounds like most gf/bf feel the same way. I feel like I have three choices, either confront him in person, or just message him every few days to let him know I’m there for him and i'm not going to abandon him or just not contact him again. I sure would like your input, you’re welcome to PM me also

you both are welcome to give me some more insight, this is driving me Crazy ha

i understand what you mean. My ex pushes me out and comes back, and has been doing this for the past 3 years. However, I learned a while ago that i must focus on myself when he pushes me away. They always seem to come back for a period of time when they're doing better. I used to think it was me, but it never was and it never will be. I now know that he needs space sometimes because he may be on over load in his head.

hi sherry, i am a female ptsd sufferer. ptsd is so tough to go through and takes years to manage with, sometimes you can't find that happiness and the trauma you suffered takes over. you may need to give him a complete break from you. he may need a complete head space, to work out what has happened and what to do about it. he may never be the same again! i know this because i have ptsd myself. it's so horrible to live with and you think nobody understands you. it's so tough you cut everyone out at times. i have been turned from a fun-loving teenager to a miserable sad adult, i am now 46. this is my 2nd lot of specific counselling for what i experienced. it's horrible!

Thank-you for your reply! All he text me was basically that he can't do a relationship right now, he thought he could but not yet and said that it hurts him bad. Maybe that is his way of saying it's over or maybe he just needs some space, just wish i knew. For 3 weeks we had something super special and we were definitely in Love, now he's avoiding me which makes this so hard. I am so sorry for what you’re going through, I suffer from depression and anxiety so I do know about avoidance but it’s hard for me to understand avoiding someone you’re in love with and say you want to spend the rest of your life with

hi sherry, his struggling and he may be hiding and doesn't want to show you. a response beats none! i"d give him some space. he's telling the truth. i have had to have 2 lots of specific counselling for ptsd. it's so horrid to leave with. tell him he knows where you are and will be there for him. i wish you luck!

Hi Sherry

I was wondering how you're getting on with the situation with your boyfriend pulling away? Something very similar has happened to me in the last 10 days and he's gone completely silent after us having known each other for a very short time but it being wonderful. Has your boyfriend been in touch again? Are things improving? I hope so.

Greetings Gail,

After reading your story from several years ago, it's like you were writing about me. My friend and I have been seeing each other for the past 3 years and he's broken up with me several times. He's currently pushing me away by not responding to communication from me (we haven't spoken since over the phone since October of last year. And when i reach out to him by text, he tells me to never contact him again because I've betrayed him and too much damage has been done. He's left before and has returned, but each time feels like the final time. How does one deal with this behavior; I know it's ptsd, but at the same time, what do you do in these terrible times?

hi can you help at all please

Okay so im engaged to a veteran that served in Afghanistan. I have been with him for two years now. He was injured his fourth year and also he had lost his brother who was serving with him. He is showing signs of PTSD and Depression. Last year he had been depressed but not like this time. He is completely closed off. Isolating himself,very irritable, barely eating,not very talkative and is having verabl angry outbursts of things he would not say. From what i do understand is this comes in phases and at random times. He feels guilty for the loss of his brother. I am trying to cope with this sudden change in behavior and with drawing from me. I love this man unconditionally and i refuse to give up on him. I was hoping someone may have some advice on how to help him. Its literally tearing me apart watching the very man i love go through this and doubt himself so much. I have been giving him his space hoping that it helps. Does anyone