My boyfriend makes jokes "I want to hit a woman", what should I do?

Posted , 7 users are following.

Hi,

I'm reaching out here as I cannot reach out to anyone I know. I always speak very highly about my boyfriend to family and friends, they like him and he likes them. We've been together for just over 2 years now, are in our late 20's and recently started to talk about having kids and getting a house together.

But then lately, starting in October/November 2017 he started making inappropriate statements and "jokes" which quite honestly really scares me and makes me question our future together. 

"I could kill someone right now." (He said in a very serious tone, not joking)

"I want to hit a woman at least a once".

I want to mention as well that I am recovering from depression and anxiety (I was not working March-September last year, and am now back at work full time struggling to make it work but doing my best), and am trying to rebuild my life in a stable way.

Him making those "jokes", is not stable to me. Although he is a very loving person and has never laid a finger on me, he would not hurt me physically, I'm sure of it. It's just that his statements make me feel very uneasy around him. I could never give birth to children with someone who says those things. 

I need your help. Do I over react or does it seem odd to joke like he does?

I will see my psychologist again this Saturday, she also knows a about my boyfriends "jokes".

I need all support I can get.

Thanks,

Jen

2 likes, 14 replies

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14 Replies

  • Posted

    I wanted to add to the above that he says those "jokes" when it's just the two of us around, I have not heard him speak like this when he is amongst his friends or other people.

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  • Posted

    What does your therapist say about this? If I were you I would definitely wait before moving on with him without him knowing what you are doing.

    Please wait. Let time go by and see if he is in fact a danger to you. First sign of him becoming abusive towards you get rid of him. But, please wait and watch and pay very close attention to his behavior 

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    • Posted

      Thank you Carmela for your response and thoughts. <3

      I have taken an approach similar to what you advised: to move very slowly from now on to see if this is a behaviour he will continue with or if it's just a phase of some sort..

      He apologised this evening just before we fell asleep and I told him I do not appreciate him speaking like this, so now I will wait with caution and see..

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    • Posted

      My therapist asked me to carefully bring up the subject with my boyfriend, but I am not comfortable to confront my boyfriend (he does not take confrontations very well), so I have actually not spoken with him previously about it.

       I wanted to observe first if he would continue to speak of this nature before bringing it up with him, I guess I want to build myself a case before confronting him.. it felt good to gently tell him this evening when he came and apologised. So yeah, I will see how it goes from here..

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  • Posted

    Hi Jennifer you have my support. No Jennifer it does not seem odd that he makes these statements it is "scary" and I think your 'gut' is screaming don't trust him. What do you think?

    First we think a thought..then we take an action. Who says they want to hit a woman just once? I don't. I don't want to hit a woman or a man. Do you. I'm so glad that you don't plan to have children with this man. No you are not in a stable environment and why are you carrying this man's secret? Is it because the people that love you will not like what he is saying to you?

    You are recovering from a debilitating illness. Depression and moving forward going back to work. Working on yourself. He's taking energy that you need to heal. 

    Are you going to wait until his words turn physical? Please don't. 

    I am here any time.  I will support you I care about you! You are smart! Pick you. Diane

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    • Posted

      Thank you Diana for sharing your advise and thoughts. <3

      He has not said these things before, only recently, and we have known each other for 2-3 years now, that's why I feel I want to give him a chance before moving on.

      With that said, you are 100% right, I need to do everything I can to keep working on myself and my recovery.

      You ask many good questions. I don't know the answers really.. I

      Suppose I choose to protect him

      Towards my family and friends as I really hoped he would be "the one", as he has been only fantastic and amazing with me (until recently when these little warning flags have popped up).

      He would be a fantastic father, although I do not consider it a safe environment for children if he at any time would potentially blurt out this nonsense he has started to say. I will note down on a piece of paper all occasions (it's only 2 so far) when he says something inappropriate and then I can map out for myself if it seems to be a pattern rather than a short phase of him lashing out.

      I will put my baby/marriage/house plans on hold with him in the meantime..!

      Xx

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  • Posted

    My boyfriend makes jokes "I want to hit a woman", what should I do?

    and ... I could never give birth to children with someone who says those things

    Dump him? Sorry for sounding extreme, but from the male perspective I cannot see any good reason to come up with 'jokes' like that. You're recovering from depression and anxiety, you need help and support. Do you feel loved and supported? Do you have a 'safe space' at home?

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    • Posted

      She will have a safe place here plus she may want to look into shelters in advance. You are right she will need a safe place. Ok he does this when you guys are alone. Start preparing for yourself. Call shelters in case you need to leave fast. Don’t tell him any of this or he will find you. There are nice shelters only for this purpose. They will protect you. If you must call the police and ask about an escort out of the home where he is if he becomes threatening. I know that you won’t want to do this but you may need to let a family member know what he is saying and what your escape plan will be so that they won’t be as worried 
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    • Posted

      Thank you Johnkov for your advise, it is very valuable to hear a perspective from a male as I was wondering if it is normal for men to think/say things like this?

      I suppose it's not normal.. but you never know.. well, now I know! 

      You are so right, I need to feel safe and supported, statements like the one he made tonight about wanting to hit a woman did not make me feel safe at all. I left the living room and was in the bedroom for the rest of the evening (him staying in the living room). When we later went to bed, he apologised and said that he realised he made a bad joke and that he did not mean what he said. I then took my opportunity to tell him that I do not find these kind of "jokes" fun at all and that I do not want to hear anything like this again.

      I will see if he stops from now on or not. I will be alert and observe with caution if anything at all he says is violent. If he does, I am considering us moving apart.

      I will keep you posted! X

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  • Posted

     I come from a previous relationship where my ex used very violent language and threats to hurt other people (but was always nice to me). So I recognise when something does not seem right. I was with my ex for 1.5-2 years before I took the courage to break up.

    With this said, I have co-dependent traits, and also always see the good in people and things. So this makes it hard for me to take quick decisions that would perhaps be easy for other people to take - for example to break up if it's a toxic relationship.

    I see the similarity here, that both my ex and my current boyfriend both use toxic language.. my ex however used this language very early on in our relationship while my current boyfriend only just started to talk like this, so I will for now give him the benefit of the doubt.

    All your advise is very valuable to me as I do not feel alone now with your support. I will keep you posted. <3

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  • Posted

    Hi Jennifer - I wonder what has suddenly caused him to make "jokes" like these? Best you can do is lay down boundaries - tell him not to say such things around you. If he starts acting on his words, get out of there asap.

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  • Posted

    Hi Jen, I think you are absolutely right to take a step back. I spotted something else that you said that is a red flag to me. You said in a reply that he does not take confrontations well. What did you mean by that? If you mean he gets annoyed/angry when you try to voice your concerns or opinions, and if he is unwilling to discuss things with you (like a mature adult) then that is very worrying to me. The word narcissist springs to mind. Especially coupled with the comment he made about wanting to hit a woman. Has he really been all sweetness and light since you met him? 

     

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  • Posted

    Hi Jennifer. I want to co-sign what Hedda said I picked up on that also. This may sound silly but my mother.. who married into a bad situation..told me.when more than two or three people tell you the same thing "you better listen" they see something that you can't/don't! I have never forgotten that wisdom and have always made decisions based on her wisdom. It has worked well in my life. 

    We will be  and are here for you. 

    Diane

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