My Boyfriend of almost 2 years has broken up with me, due to depression, how do I handle this?

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He has broken up with me 3 weeks ago, and is struggling very deeply, it is heartbreaking not only to be apart, but to have watched this happen. I tried to fight for him to stay and to let me help him, and let us work things out. For a few months (since his uncle died in November) we have been arguing, and I was ignorant and thought it was due to us and something wrong with me or the relationship, as he was not honest with how he was really feeling inside, he was just acting distant.

I kept thinking I was doing something wrong, and I guess pushed him too far as he couldn't seem to handle it and he broke up with me saying he needs space to figure his problems out and that he wants to break up and just be alone.

He said hurtful and scary things like, that he doesn't feel romantic love for me anymore, he still cares for me still, but the day after his uncle died, he lost a lot of feeling and that is when he noticed he lost love for me. To me that seems unfair, like he lumped me into that pain and doesn't want to deal with it, and he keeps pushing it out.

He told me he struggled with depression a few years ago, and he got through it on his own. He is very stubborn and would never seek help, and also doesn't have many close people to talk to, and he would never bring it up to anyone. Heck, he didn't even tell me, it's just me putting the pieces together now.

He said he one day wants to feel the way he did about be, but he has changed, and is bitter and cold hearted and he can't change back right now. He feels like a jerk for treating me the way he has and that he doesn't understand how I still want to be with him and that I deserve better. I told him i don't care what he is going through, we are in this together and I support him and love him no matter what. He said there is no compromising that he needs and wants to be alone. That he feels sick thinking about relationships now??  That any lovey-dovey stuff is not what he wants to think about and doesn't want a relationship. 

Seems so drastic. This is such a shock to me because for the whole 2 years he was passionate, extremely loving, affectionate, caring, romantic, all the bells and whistles. He told me I was the one for him and that I was his everything. And now, he says that is in the past and he can't feel anything anymore, he is numb, yet he feels pain.

I feel worried for him, and sad that he has to get rid of me to do this. I was always his number 1 and vice versa. We were so in love. I tried working things through but he won't and he is now ignoring me. I feel like this is all my fault. We had some issues in the beginning of our relationship, I was still getting over my ex and talking to my ex at the beginning, so he developed some trust issues with me. (He also has a troubling past in hsi childhood with an abusive abandoning father). But I thought we overcame those, and we were so happy and in love. Now it is all blowing up in my face.

What do I do? Is there hope for us? Will he be okay? Should I try to help him or let him be?

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7 Replies

  • Posted

    The s a very tough situation for the both of you. I'm not expert but my gut tells me that you have to respect his wishes and give him some space. My wife is like you and stood by me the whole time. Give him space and in time maybe he will come to his senses. You sound like a terrific gal but you need to understand that depression dulls the senses. Hopefully he will miss you and come back.

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  • Posted

    I'm going through the same thing mine left me Jan 28th he came back in April and went aging. We had been together 20 years with a daughter.

    He claimed he was depressed but I soon learnt he just didn't love me anymore.

    It could be depression or his using it as a way out, only you can decide that. It bloody hurts I'm 49 and I'm left on a self now.

    There's only so much you can do but he must help himself. If he loves you he will do all he can . Don't pressure him give him his space it's up to how long you want to give .

    For me I wasted to much time now I'm depressed, lonley and on meds.

    My daughter is a mess. For me I'm just going to stay on my own.

    I'm guessing your young enough to move on.

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    • Posted

      I am so sorry sandy so sad, for your challenges. Life can be so rough. I understand your pains, and I know everyone keeps telling us it will get better but I don't believe it yet. I am sure one day we will.

      If they chose to hurt us then we are better off moving onto someone else. Otherwise they will come back.

      All the best to you and your daughter.

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  • Posted

    I left my girlfriend of 3 years for the same reasons he left you, I honestly think he will come back around if its what he wants. I think we try to cling on to what makes us happy but after a tragedy in the family(speaking from experience of losing my sister) all the pain anger and just pure hate for the world can consume a person. I blocked out a lot of emotion and in the end I realised that no matter how I was feeling myself that it was unfair to put my girlfriend through it too. He could have the same thought process that I did. I'd say its better to cause a quick painful time than it is to prolong the suffering of the people closest to you, give him time and just let him know your there if he ever needs you

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    • Posted

      Thank you for sharing Eddie, sorry for your loss and your struggles.

      Did you end up getting back with your girlfriend?

      I have told him that, I tried fighting for this relationship to stay for about 2 weeks, until I realized how serious he was and how badly he needed this. I know he doesn't want to hurt me and I wish I could help him. My last message to him was telling him that I love and care about him, and I support him through this and that I won't contact him anymore, but am here whenever he is ready to talk and that I believe in us.

      I know I cannot do ANYTHING now except give him space, and try to focus on other things. I believe in us, but he could choose to never come back. Logically it makes sense why he needs to do this, and I know he doing this because he know he needs to figure himself out and sort through his feelings, but also because he is protecting me from getting hurt becuase he thinks he is hurting me if we stayed together.

      But emotionally, it doesn't make sense to me. Why would he tell me that he doesn't love me anymore or doesn't want any form of relationship with me or anyone, when he was SO sure he wanted it before? This guy was swooning over me for a year and a half (it was mutual). He was always so romantic, loving and caring, and now all of his built up pain, anger and sadness is coming out and has changed him.

      I wish he would let me help him through it. But I have to respect his wishes. I know he will come back if he really loves me. But from your experience, did you lose love for people, but then find it back eventually once you worked through what you needed to?

      Thanks....

       

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