My Boyfriend With Aspergers: Touchy Topic

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Now, I know I've said in my last three posts that I'm not sure about my relationship with my boyfriend and I decided to keep this as a seperate post itself. Here are things to keep in mind: this is our first relationship, he's the one with aspergers, and I just fell out of the infatuation stage of our relationship. Now, I feel like such a whore for bringing this up but, hey, it's nature, right? Well... Umm... I don't entirely know how to go about this. He gets really flustered easily and there's no doubt that he's not as innocent that he lets on. He'll shy away from dirty jokes easily if he ever gets what they mean. So the topic I want to talk about is sex. It's not the most important thing to me in our relationship and with us being freshmen in college and both of us are virgins, I'm definitely in no hurry, especially with how busy and distracted I've been. And I also want to at least remain with him for a year before I decide to do anything that big. It is still important to me, though. However, his thoughts and reaction to the topic can be so... infuriating. He believes sex is nothing but corruption and shies away from talking about it. I believe that sex is making love to the one you love and is a way of reinforcing your bond with your partner and most importantly, it's supposed to be fun and enjoyable. He, however, believes that sex should only be for reproduction, it will probably ruin everything eventually, and that it's just corruption in general. He's basically terrified of it. My grandma thinks he's gay but in her generation, if you were a young man and terrified of sleeping with women, you probably were either gay or asexual in everyone's eyes. I know for a fact that he's neither. Trust me, he isn't. I've felt his arousal jab me in the hip to the point of where it would even hurt a little like a stick was being press against me and he's stated I arouse him on more than several occasions. It's cute when he is because he just acts so weirded out by his feelings sometimes. Also, apparently, he's never felt this aroused before our relationship. He still doesn't seem used to some levels of it. So I'm not sure if he's even allowed himself to become aroused freely before we started dating. However, sex is a very touchy topic for him and if I bring it up, he'll say things like 'not for four years' (which is the time I gave him before he could marry me if we get there, because neither of us are done in school and nowhere near it. In other words, he's saying he wants to wait until he's married to me), or 'you'll have to get me drunk or drug me to do it'. It's irritating and not very flattering to me. But I get irritated whenever he arouses me deliberately and he knows he's doing it because he'll tease me about it. He hates the topic of sex and yet he thinks it's okay to arouse the hell out of me? So he makes it even more frustrating for me. If we do get married in four years without doing anything, I'm going to be one sexually frustrated bride and he won't be getting any sleep that night. I think the sexual tension between us is fairly obvious though. Don't get me wrong, I'm only as comfortable as he is. I won't pressure him into anything he doesn't want to do but I do try to tell him that it's important to me. However, no matter what I say or do, he will forever think that sex is nothing more than corruption... If we do get married without doing anything in four years (which I'd be fine with but god damn! That's not going to be easy!), he's going to be in for a long ass wedding night. I'm already frustrated now and, well, I can't imagine how I'd be then. Again, I don't want to sound like a whore, I'm only as comfortable as he is, and I'm just not ready for that step yet. However, I just wish he was a little more open about it. I think it's best to talk about it, especially with how we're in a relationship and we're both adults. I just think that since sex is also a responsibility, then there's no harm in talking about it and I think it would be best to talk about it in case we do get to that point but he just doesn't get it. I believe that in a healthy relationship, sex is not just something that should be done in the spur of the moment. But with the way things are going, it's probably either going to be spur of the moment for him or nothing at all. How do I deal with this? I'm not sure if I like the idea of waiting four years, if we make it that far. However, at least I would have earned wearing a white gown for my wedding if that's the case. I'm not intensely worried about this now though because, like I said, we're freshmen, we're virgins, we've only been together for almost six months, I'm in no hurry, he's obviously in no hurry either, and we have bigger worries for the time being. I just figured it would be an interesting topic and I do sometimes worry about it. I also figured I may as well mention it since I'm here. Don't mind my long writing, either. I just really love to write.

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  • Posted

    Thanks for sharing all of this.  I'm an old lady so probably not the best arbiter of this situation.......    However, I think that this subject needs to be talked about if your relationship is to move forward.  I have never met a man who isn't keen to progress, given half a chance, so I would be slightly worried about your boyfriend's attitude, and particularly his inability to discuss the subject.  All best wishes to you.
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    • Posted

      Thanks. It's not that he isn't keen to progress, it's just that he could do all the progression without the sex. I'm starting to wonder if he doesn't fear it as much as he lets on, seeing as how he likes to tease me.
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  • Posted

    He probably didn't get the diagnosis of Asperger's for nothing. He's going to always remain level-headed in the face of temptation like this, it's just how he's wired.  It's nothing personal against you, and it won't change on your wedding night or tenth anniversary, or any other time.

    Also, although you do make him feel aroused, it's not the same for him as for so many others. If someone throws on the light when you're sleeping in a dark room doesn't that bother your eyes? Or a siren or alarm blaring hurt your ears? Sensations that don't bother us  - and those that we really enjoy! - don't feel right to someone with sensory integration issues. It's hard for us to really know what it feels like on your boyfriend's side of things.

    So, combine the physical discomfort (even for something that's somewhat pleasurable to him) with the logical thinking that probably dictates his every move, and you're going to have someone who doesn't want to impregnate his girlfriend, complicate the relationship, move too fast, be too intimate, too vulnerable and in general not on his terms.  (Even when he's married, I'm guessing there may need to be an agreement on frequency...unless something changes he's not going to spontaneously initiate or even reciprocate whether married or not. But, he may be comfortable with a compromise)

    Figure out what you want and see how much of that he can genuinely provide as your boyfriend or your husband. The relationship is probably worth more than "the sex" but only you'll be able to decide that.

     

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  • Posted

    What I didn't see you mention.... physical affection. I am a mother of a high functioing autistic child. While Aspergers and PDD maybe the top of the scale, does not mean they don't still struggle with personal space and affection. You cannot try to rush that timeline. Hugs, kisses, cuddling, SEX... all those invade personal space and require sensory adjustment. As that adjustment progresses... it will be easier. He's had his whole life to train sensory wise for friendly kisses, hugs, small bits of affection from family, friends, loved ones. So those are easier. Easier to give, easier to accept. His sensory system took all that time adjusting over time making him the receptive boyfriend he is now. He may need that year or two.... or four. To adjust sensory wise with something so new-sex, that he needs you to love and accept giving him that adjustment time, because its for you he's making that sensory adjustment for. 

    Just keep that in mind.

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