My Cry for help

Hello everyone, i have just turned 21, I've been suffering with severe anxiety and depression for the past 4 years, my life has completely changed and I don't know how I can ever be better again, be me again, I'm in so much pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, I've started this discussion to see if someone can help me into what I can do to be normal again, let me start from the beginning, I had a bad up bringing with my father passing when I was 9, that affected me mentally with how I was with boys growing up, but I don't feel that my dad dying is down to my depression and anxiety, when I left school at 16, me and my mum moved to London, I got into a group of girls who liked to drink more or less every night and I would always end up out on weekends in raves taking drugs, this would be , cocaine, ecstasy, ketamine, speed, anything but crack or heroin to be honest, so I know I could get anxious sometimes about confrontation with other girls and I was a hypochondriac , but nothing major that stopped me from living my life, so this one night I'm with some friends at a after party, then some boy I know is selling cheap speed, like £5 a gram, which seemed like something was dodgy but I took it anyway, my own mistake, after consuming a lot of it, I started to feel really weird, tingling through my whole body, couldn't breathe, I didn't know what was happening, I thought I was dying, so i call an ambulance and they take me to hospital my heart rate was abit high, but nothing serious was wrong with me, I was just acting really panicy, a nurse gave me half of something to calm me down, but I can't remember what it was, then I got on the bus to go home, I was feeling really strange from what she gave me and all my body locked up, I couldn't move my hand, it felt like all my organs was shutting off one by one, my heart was crushing, I rang an ambulance screaming that I was having a heart attack, the ambulance came again and said I had a panic attack, the first one I had ever had, they took me to hospital and put me in a waiting room, but by now it's night time so I haven't had any sleep which made me feel more anxious, I couldn't even sit still in the hospital without feeling I was going to have a panic attack, so I went home because I couldn't take it and I just wanted my mum, I ended up falling asleep and woke up feeling better but by now my whole life had changed ever since that day I've had anxiety every day, by now I've learnt to cope with it, but it's still there, then one day it was literally like a light bulb went off in my head and I got this rush of depression and now for the past 4 years I'm more concerned about my depression, I've put on a lot of weight, I take 150mg sertraline, at first it helped me but I've been on it a year now I feel like it gets me by but now it doesn't help, I'm the lowest I've ever been, I can't leave the house, I won't go out with friends, I've lost friends because of this, I hardly get out of bed, I always miss my doctors appointments because I have no motivation at all, it's ruined my life, I know I don't want too die, I still have this tiny flicker of hope inside of me that wants to get better and be happy again, being so over weight now is depressing me too, I used to be thin and pretty and now I feel fat and ugly, I don't even get dressed in the morning because I don't go anywhere apart from stay indoors where I feel comfortable, I'm sorry for the essay but I think this will help, seeing what people on the outside think I could do to at least make me a bit happier, I can't go on with this pain, I feel like I have a constant dark cloud in my head that I can not shake and I don't see the world as the happy exciting place I used too, it really has sucked the life out of me, thanks for taking your time to read this, I really hope you can leave a comment and help me, thanks again xxxx

0 likes, 3 replies