My depersonalization, anxiety and depression.

Posted , 6 users are following.

In daily life I find it a struggle to maintain how I feel. An average day for me would be me at home on my computer listening music or playing my PlayStation. It never used to be like this though. I isolate myself but I enjoy doing so. Stepping foot outside my house is when I break my comfort zone. I now struggle to maintain a conversation with people outside my house. I feel a constant form of anxiety when being asked to do anything. My heartbeats fast, I go dizzy and I am surround by negative and paranoid thoughts. I seem to have a different view on the world. This isn’t the worst part though. Depersonalization or whatever it seems to be is the real problem. I am faced with a sense fear and a different reality on the world. I do not view myself as myself. I am disconnected from my body. Nothing else exists in my reality and my thoughts are the only thing that are real. I often get panic attacks. I have learnt to control them a lot more now but when I get them It’s because I feel really strange. I feel like something isn’t right and I scared of a darker place which exists. I feel that there is an evil of the world which no other person has seen and it scares me. It honestly the worst feeling ever. In 2009 on a Germany trip with the school, I experienced depersonalization I must of only been around 13/14 years old but it went after a few days. I didn’t have the fear that I have now with it. I got it again in 2013 when I did this legal high drug. It made me panic so much I then hallucinated. I felt so much anxiety but I also felt my first presences of this evil which I really can’t explain. During this hallucination I went to hell and travelled through limbo (it’s another story to tell) but honestly it probably was the most traumatic experience of my life. After this I didn’t feel anything until the next year. One day I was on my phone on the app snapchat and I looked at myself on the camera. For some reason I felt strange. It didn’t feel like I was looking at myself in the camera. I started panicking, as I was panicking I thought I was going to go back to that evil place I went to with the legal high. This thought sticks we me and I am always feeling the presences of evil with me. I am paranoid with these thoughts and I know I am.  After that big panic attack I have never been right in the head. This is when I first started to feel depersonalized. I have always felt this way since. Over the time I feel like I am getting worse. At the beginning of when this all started I was able to have conversations with people but now I just feel a rush of anxiety and paranoid thoughts which makes me uncomfortable. I have been reading around on the internet and even my doctor has said the same thing. Apparently depersonalization Is liked with early childhood. It is associated with overwhelming trauma and emotional abuse towards my parents or carer. I am not sure about this is I feel I was raised by 2 loving parents? I love my Mum and my Dad so I don’t understand how its linked? Apparently Depersonalization is a defence mechanism to block of emotion and that’s why I feel strange and disconnected. Apparently people with DP repress the memory’s and are in denial so that the brain can continue with life. I have been told that the drug was just a trigger, that caused repressed memories. I could have been triggered other ways such a high stress levels.

 My question is what the hell happened to me? 

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  • Posted

    I think a better question would be: "How am I going to start pulling myself out of this state?" You must be around 20 now, with your whole life ahead of you. Why not go back to your doctor, tell him/her everything you've just posted and ask for a psychiatric referral? Alternatively, if you already have help, discuss this with your mental health support team. There is help out there for you and you're still young enough to take a different path.

    I don't think you should get too hung-up on the theory of depersonalisation being linked to childhood abuse. It may well have happened, of course, but it's the now you have to cope with.

    Ditto on the the experience with the legal high, which may well have triggered this. In some people hallucinogenic drugs open doors in the mind that can be difficult to close again. This is particularly true when they're taken at a very young age, when the neural pathways in the brain haven't yet fallen into their adult pattern and are still vulnerable. While it's useful to know what may lie at the root of your current problems, you need to get help to find a way to move on from this.

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  • Posted

    Hello s4mtw, I was exactly the same. Started in my early Teens and I'm now 35. I can tell you that you are far from being alone in your situation, and there is alot of help, you just have to want it. As mentioned in other posts, try and get hold of your local Mental Health Team (call nhs 111 to get the number), there is nothing to be embarrised or scared about. Don't do what I did and self medicate. Your in your early 20's, this is when you descover who you are, don't label yourself so soon. Try and plan something into your day that is productive, exercise is good and you can do that in your own house. As strange as it sounds, if you help yourself now, this situation is going to make you stronger. Who are you? An intelligent  person that knows they need help, now please go and get it. 
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  • Posted

    Hey there, don't know if you still view this but it's worth a shot. I have he same experiences you do everyday. I isolate myself and play competitive call of duty for money. All day, everyday and when I step outside its ridiculously overwhelming and I feel like Everything is completely fake and I'm in no control of myself, my Body my thoughts etc. i go about doing things throughout the day around my house and a few moment later I'll question if I really just did it. I've had this before when I was 16 (I'm 21 now) but this time around it is SO much worse. I think of old times and memories when I was normal and loving life and it feels like it wasn't actually me in those memories.

    Now I also know why this triggered. I used to be on top of the world, 2x all county lacrosse player in HS honorable mention All American, division one full ride to Providence college. I had so many friends and was so outgoing I was never home. Then I ruined everything and failed out quit playing lacrosse got out of shape and pretty much became a nobody. And I never actually acknowledged the fact that I did what I did. And all of a sudden one day I got fired from my job and was driving to go get my check and I was in deep thought, and then it happened as I pulled into the parking spot. I completely snapped into a state of DP. And it hasn't gone away since. I can't seem to control it and I legit feel like I'm going insane (even though I know deep down I am not) I can't shake the thoughts. This is terrifying and scary and I always ask myself what the hell happened to me.

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