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In daily life I find it a struggle to maintain how I feel. An average day for me would be me at home on my computer listening music or playing my PlayStation. It never used to be like this though. I isolate myself but I enjoy doing so. Stepping foot outside my house is when I break my comfort zone. I now struggle to maintain a conversation with people outside my house. I feel a constant form of anxiety when being asked to do anything. My heartbeats fast, I go dizzy and I am surround by negative and paranoid thoughts. I seem to have a different view on the world. This isn’t the worst part though. Depersonalization or whatever it seems to be is the real problem. I am faced with a sense fear and a different reality on the world. I do not view myself as myself. I am disconnected from my body. Nothing else exists in my reality and my thoughts are the only thing that are real. I often get panic attacks. I have learnt to control them a lot more now but when I get them It’s because I feel really strange. I feel like something isn’t right and I scared of a darker place which exists. I feel that there is an evil of the world which no other person has seen and it scares me. It honestly the worst feeling ever. In 2009 on a Germany trip with the school, I experienced depersonalization I must of only been around 13/14 years old but it went after a few days. I didn’t have the fear that I have now with it. I got it again in 2013 when I did this legal high drug. It made me panic so much I then hallucinated. I felt so much anxiety but I also felt my first presences of this evil which I really can’t explain. During this hallucination I went to hell and travelled through limbo (it’s another story to tell) but honestly it probably was the most traumatic experience of my life. After this I didn’t feel anything until the next year. One day I was on my phone on the app snapchat and I looked at myself on the camera. For some reason I felt strange. It didn’t feel like I was looking at myself in the camera. I started panicking, as I was panicking I thought I was going to go back to that evil place I went to with the legal high. This thought sticks we me and I am always feeling the presences of evil with me. I am paranoid with these thoughts and I know I am. After that big panic attack I have never been right in the head. This is when I first started to feel depersonalized. I have always felt this way since. Over the time I feel like I am getting worse. At the beginning of when this all started I was able to have conversations with people but now I just feel a rush of anxiety and paranoid thoughts which makes me uncomfortable. I have been reading around on the internet and even my doctor has said the same thing. Apparently depersonalization Is liked with early childhood. It is associated with overwhelming trauma and emotional abuse towards my parents or carer. I am not sure about this is I feel I was raised by 2 loving parents? I love my Mum and my Dad so I don’t understand how its linked? Apparently Depersonalization is a defence mechanism to block of emotion and that’s why I feel strange and disconnected. Apparently people with DP repress the memory’s and are in denial so that the brain can continue with life. I have been told that the drug was just a trigger, that caused repressed memories. I could have been triggered other ways such a high stress levels.
My question is what the hell happened to me?
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