my depressed boyfriend has been ignoring me

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I first found out my boyfriend had depression before we were dating when he wouldn’t talk to me for a week, then ended up crying to me about his depression. He has been fine since then or so I thought. A little over two weeks ago he started ignoring me out of no where. We are long distance so by ignoring I mean not answering my texts or calls. At first I was kind of freaking out and might have text him some things that might’ve pushed him away because I had no idea he was depressed. As far as I knew he was just ignoring me to ignore me. I had to call him from my mom’s phone in order for him to answer. He told me “I’m sorry I just don’t want to talk to anyone” and “I told you I get like this.” Since talking to him I have been very supportive. Texting him once a day or so telling him I hope he has a nice day or that I miss him or something like that just so he knows I’m there. He still goes on social media so I know he sees my texts and I still get nothing back from him. Coming up on it being three weeks since he has contacted me and I am becoming more and more worried. I move back to college in 3 days and instead of being a 2 hour drive from him I will now be 7 hours away. I know this probably doesn’t help whatever he’s going through and it makes it hard for me knowing I can’t be here for him incase he needs me. He just recently started therapy and I know his parents want to get him on medication but since I haven’t talked to him I don’t know if that has happened yet. I want to give him his space but I also don’t want him to think I’ve given up on him and our relationship. I know I probably just have to wait for him to come around but I fear he won’t I guess. Is there anything I could do so that he will talk to me? Or anything I could say to help him?

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  • Posted

    I'm so glad you're sticking with him through this, it's really good to hear. I suffer from depression and I know what he's going through when he's ignoring you - it's not your fault at all. If you know he's suicidal then I would message his mum or whoever is living with him to let them know he's isolating himself, and they can keep him company, that might put your mind at rest a bit. As for getting him to talk to you, I would continue the little texts that let him know you're there, he'll reply in his own time, when he's ready. It must be super tough for you, I know, but unless you're with him in person there's not really anything a text could do because you can't see their reactions y'know. Please let him know you're there, because even if at some points he might find a check in text annoying, it would be crushing for him to think you don't care. I'm sending both of you my best, hopefully his new treatment plan goes well. Best of luck to your relationship xx

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  • Posted

    Hello betty68144.

    I wonder if it's time to ask him how he feels about you. You know, in his heart. You sound like an awesome person and you're doing everything you can to be supportive and caring so it isn't fair that you're going through this - whether he has a depression or not - to me. I mean three weeks of silence, come on. And still going online to do other things. I mean I have depression but I'd still be able to make the effort to let a S.O know what they mean to me. I hope I'm wrong in what I'm getting at but that's what I was thinking. 

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  • Posted

    My ex was the same way, she would ignore me as well. I can't honestly say that there's really anyway to get him to talk to you, because each person is affected uniquely by depression. While it is selfless to offer encouragement on a a daily basis to the person, they may feel guilty about you even doing that as depression seems to have a self loathing effect on its people. So ultimately I think you should try and figure out whether or not offering those words of encouragement really lifts him up or, if he feels guilty receiving those messages. I say this because my ex after sending daily encouragement messages told me that I wasn't helping or, only annoying her, versus what many other depressed people have attested to feeling better after knowing they are loved and cared for but simply not being able to verbally or emotionally express gratitude for your love if that makes sense. Best of luck.

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    • Posted

      Thank you so much this really helps. I have stopeed sending him texts since your reply. It has almost been a month now which is really discouraging. If you dont mind me asking, how long did she ignore you for? and how did she act when she finally came around? Thanks again!
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    • Posted

      She would ignore me for days on end, sometimes 6 days straight without any messgage back.

      Unfortunately, she didn't come around, I ended up breaking up with her not being able to take the situation anymore because emotionally I was getting hurt so much that my personality had changed and mentally I was literally falling apart.

      It takes somebody who really has an grounded position deep in the ground to be able to handle something like that, because at least in my case, I felt constantly kicked to the ground, because no matter what I did or didn't do I was annoying her and ultimately I wasn't helping her, and once that was realized after the break up, healing began to take place knowing now that because of me she will have the opportunity to focus on herself without worrying about me.

      I know it's not the best ending believe me but once things are looked at from a different perspective, things become more clear, and now that I realize I was an obstacle for her recovery it made things a little easier.

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    • Posted

      " So ultimately I think you should try and figure out whether or not offering those words of encouragement really lifts him up or, if he feels guilty receiving those messages. I say this because my ex after sending daily encouragement messages told me that I wasn't helping or, only annoying her, versus what many other depressed people have attested to feeling better after knowing they are loved and cared for but simply not being able to verbally or emotionally express gratitude for your love if that makes sense. Best of luck."

      Yea. This is true. My partner is currently not in a very good place in his life. We met, briefly life was stable for him (and I was already stable) and everything was good. Very shortly after meeting, his life was turned upside down. He moved and hour and some minutes away and was staying with roommates who drove him insane while he found a job and a place to live. Add on another cycle of drug addiction caused by all the overwhelmed feelings, well, you have one depressed boyfriend all of a sudden.

      You want to know something? He still finds time to talk to me every.single.day. It may not be long and he may not be able to give me as much as I give him but he gives all he can. It really says something to his character, his respect for me, and how much he actually loves the support I offer.  I'm not going to say being the supportive partner has been easy so early in a relationship. I fell very hard and decided that it was worth it to see this new and beautiful person in my life through this difficult time of growth and change. We've had our moments but we communicate and work it out in the moment. It never festers, we talk. If he is being vague about his emotional state of being I let it be or I ask him and he will tell me. That took some patience on my end and it seems to get easier for him the longer we have been together. It's not a fairy-tale and our honeymoon got interrupted by a hurricane that was outside my control. I love him a lot and I continue to fall more in love with him because he's so very human with me. 

      So, OP....your post is two years old and I hope you had some resolution because I know what being loved by a depressed partner is like and it is DEF more like what islandjat said. They just can't respond the same way at the time and that's OK. 

       

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  • Posted

    Hey, can I ask you please how did it end or how things have been lately? I'm in a similar situation and since first hand experiences on this topic are so rare, you could help me so much. Thanks in advance! smile

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  • Posted

    I also would like to know how things are? I'm also have the same situation.

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  • Posted

    Hi everyone,

    This post is a bit old but I would love to know how all your situations evolved as I am in a similar situation and really don't know what to do. My boyfriend kept a little bit of contact with me after he was hospitalized for his depression. Last time I spoke to him he said he just needed a little time before he was able to see me but that in the meantime he wanted us to stay in touch and talk on the phone regularly. He had started treatment and therapy. Since then it's been two months without any news, I called many times, sent many texts and I got absolutely nothing back, complete silence. Last week he answered to a desperate message I sent him to tell him I needed to know if he wanted me to leave him alone, saying that he would call me in the coming days but he never did. I tried to call him but he didn't pick up. And I'm really lost and don't know what to do. Should I keep trying or give up, hoping he will reach out at some point? If any of you has any advice to give, it would be much appreciated as I really don't know what to do anymore..

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