My Depression is getting worse.

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I have been off work for 4 weeks now, due to work stressing me out yet again.

I am currently waiting for OH Assist to contact my GP for a medical report for my work, in all honesty i am not fit for my work anymore, my ups and downs are far more frequent now, and my life is at rock bottom, i am taking 150 Mg Sertraline and now 7.5 mg sleeping tablets to help me sleep at night, my head is buzzing at the minute, so much tension, it's awful.

 I have suffered all my life, i don't have happy school days, I was never there, I have been in and out of work all my life, even though I have had 4 lovely houses , nice cars, holidays abroad , but now it's getting alot worse and far more frequent, I honestly just want to go to sleep at night and hope i don't wake up.

I cannot see my future ever picking up or getting better, and to look at me you would never realise. I am a kind hearted lovely guy, but I have a awful temper due to my upbringing, and it clashes with my depression.

I have stopped seeing friends for years, people think I am a crazy hot head, but deep down I am so torn inside.

I feel for all of you with this illness, its soul destroying.

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9 Replies

  • Posted

    If I could give you a hug,I would.

    I'm sorry and sad for us all who suffer like we do.

    I am also at that stuck stage where I don't see no way out of this and I look at my son and it breaks my heart. I will suffer every day of my life if I have to,just so he knows I loved him enough to fight this.

    I'm early days into my new melds and praying they work miracles. How long have you been on yours?

    I hope for everybody here that soon we feel that spark that let's us know that everything's going to be ok.

    We deserve happiness and one day I'm sure we will find it xxx

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  • Posted

    Yes its crazy it ruins your life you can have everything but breaks you ,you sound like me also I've never been able to work and progress it a a killer I feel same just want go sleep not wake up to the same crap but hold in there all we can do trust me better than the other options got to be even though is so damm hard its ruined my life just hope I get spmthing sorted to enjoy what I have left and now which is a fight every day have the best weekend possible thanks for your post hold in there if you met me you'd think I was strong funny and have great personality also I had the angry thing my whole life and has made me make a lot of mistakes but last few years o mellowed out think from the xanax hate my past tantrums in fact disgusted by it anyway we jog on
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  • Posted

    Thanks for the reply.

     Mine started from a young age, did all the usual boy stuff climbing trees, jumping dikes, scrumping apples, tracker,  all the things which children miss out on now.

    Then when at home  i seen violence from my dad , which eventually came on to me, I had all the strange nightmares aswel from a young age, it was horrible.

     but I am completely the opposite, I won't even shout at my children , I hate bullying people and to see anyone or animals suffer any kind of cruelty, I sometimes wish I could change everything but I cannot.

    I have been taking my medication since 2008, I think I started on 50 mg Sertraline.

     But my horrible thoughts keep coming back, i know they have been working because this is the longest I have been in a job.

    Me and my wife seperated because she could not cope with me anymore, we keep trying but I need my space because any raised voices really hurts my head, plus i have a 16 yr old and a 6 yr old who i love with all my heart, and I still have to segregate myself, maybe it's in my head or because I feel so low I just don't want to be around them..

     It sounds so selfish, but i want to suffer in silence.

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    • Posted

      It doesn't sound selfish.

      Right now you must do whatever you need to do to get yourself  mentally healthy.

      We give our children the best of us but we also do not want them to see while we are ill. 

      It will be the depression...I think sometimes it's our minds way of closing down from everyday life until it is strong enough to cope with it. Even though the depression itself puts us through far more than everyday life could.

      Have you discussed with your doctor the things you saw your Dad do?? Maybe your struggles are a little tougher because of this.

      xxx

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    • Posted

      I have told my doctor i had a violent childhood,  but i never went in to great detail.

      I have been at this doctors since the end of 2008 when we sold the house, but my previous doctors was  in a different catchment area even though it's only 2-3 miles apart, but it was my other doctor at the beginning of 2008 putme on the Sertraline and he also got me a councillor to see every Saturday morning and it was a relief to get my whole life if my chest, but I stopped going after a few weeks because I started feeling good in myself.

      The doctor I am with now gave me the wellness leaflet, which i booked the appointment , they phoned me and asked me questions for 30 mins, and it takes up to 6-8 weeks before i see them.

      I told my doctor I have some bad thoughts in my head at times and my head  is in hyper mode.

       when i am myself, I am so happy and feel so alive and everyone loves me, because i have a great personality, but right now i don't want to go out again or see anyone. 

       

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    • Posted

      That's understandable but try not to worry about the things that you are not doing. Them things will slowly come back without you even knowing as you get further into your recovery. 

      Be mindful of all the little things you are doing and make sure you mark them up in your head as achievements,another step towards wellness.

      Even if you are feeling better by the time you are able to see somebody from the wellness place,,I would still think about keeping them appointments. If depression/ anxiety keeps coming back and effecting you,then maybe to gain long term wellness you would benefit greatly from both medication and some kind of talking therapy xxx

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    • Posted

      The worst part is how it can mess your work life up, when i am off i feel like a bum, and in all honesty i think my work is far to stressfull for someone in my position.

      I have been managing to go out and get the odd run in, only because i don't really need to mix with people.

       But i think a career change is on the horizon, tbh don't know where to start, qualifications and all that stuff, I am from schooling of the 80's.

      I love my luxuries and it kills me not being fit for work.

      It is so soul destroying.

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    • Posted

      You see..that is the depression/anxiety talking.

      Right now you need to concentrate on getting well. I think we tend to think we need to make all these big changes in order to make things better but if that is the case,all these things will come and you will gradually be able to figure them out and deal with them as you become stronger.

      I personally wouldn't make them changes until my mind was clearer but then again,if you are 100% sure that work is a major part of the problem it could be worth speaking to your boss and asking if there is a way they can support you back into work. Kind of ease you back in so it's not overwhelming.

      Maybe do a few mornings to start and gradually work your way up to hours that suit. Most big companies will do this.

      Dont worry about the things you are unable to do now,think about the things you are able to do and don't forget to give yourself a slap on the back for achieving them. The majority of people with depression struggle to even make it out of bed in the morning so you are already ahead in your recovery.

      Slowly,everything will come back. I know it doesn't seem that way right now..it's the same for me but I am hopeful that happiness is just round the corner xxx

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  • Posted

    Well i have doctors friday and no idea what OH are deciding to do , because they have asked for my consent for a Doctors report.

    work as just text me if i am returning to work on Monday.😏

     

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