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My depression is ruining my relationship

Posted , 4 users are following.

emma-grace92
emma-grace92

I've struggled for depression for years and always managed to get through it. However in the past yesr my life has taken the turn for the worst. Firstly my father was diagnosed with depression & shortly after I was made redundant. This cycle continued and I have since been made redundant in the following 3 jobs I have had. I have completely given up after forcing myself to get up & carry on. All my strength and self esteem has been swapped for depression and anger. My girlfriend has gotten the brunt of it all. In a way I almost emotionally abuse her. I flip out at the smallest of things such as if she doesn't reply to a text message. I constantly end our relationship. Tell her she doesn't support me doesn't understand or care about anyone but herself. She is the most caring person I have ever been with yet I keep pushing her away and destroying our relationship. Taking out the anger I feel on the world on her. Yesterday she left to stay at a friends as I told her to leave. Now I feel nothing but an increased hate and resentment towards her for leaving knowing how low I feel although I told her to leave.

I don't know what to do any more. Why am I taking this out on her? All I feel inside is pain & all I can think about is self harm (which I have started again) & ending my life.

0 likes, 8 replies

8 Replies

  • lee34449
    lee34449 emma-grace92

    Posted

    Have you seen your GP about this, emma? That is your first step, don'y kid yourself that you can get through it on your own, you can't, not when it's gone this far. I have probably had depression for many years, but it only came out 11 years ago when my wife left suddenly. I fought against anti-depressants, but had to admit that I needed help. My GP was very supportive & I was put on Citilopram, increasing the dose gradually till it was correct. You didn't say how old you are, so could it be a hormonal problem? my wife was just like you when she went through "the change" I was wrong no matter what I did. I was constantly verbally abbused, it was a nightmare but she did have terrible hormonal problems, leading to a hysterectamy & the removal of her thyroid. She is a lot better now. We are still separated, but very close & see each other almost daily. You are very right in that it puts a tremendous strain on a relationship. My wife was diagnosed as Bi-Polar also, so she has had the full monty. I have depression myself still & we know when to give each other space, which is very important. Trust is also essential, I have had a problem with that, but it is gradually getting better. Nothing will come overnight. See your GP first though, I can't stress that enough. [assuming you are not already seeing your GP] Try to calm down, learn breathing excercises, they really do work at times of stress. Best wishes & hope you find a way. 

     

    • emma-grace92
      emma-grace92 lee34449

      Posted

      Thankyou for your reply & advice Lee. I am 22 so still quite far off the change (I hope!). I have seen a doctor previously but they only seem interested in shutting me up with anti depressants. Which I am on however I stopped taking them which is probably a large reason for my down spiral with depression recently.

      The last thing I want to do is split from my partner but I always do it, it's as if I want to hurt her & take my anger & pain on her. Whatever she or anyone does to support me is never enough in my mind. I just wish I could stop being this way because I know eventually I will be left with no one.

  • archemedes
    archemedes emma-grace92

    Posted

    Life is certainly not good for either you or your girlfriend at the moment.

    Unfortunately, when we are very unwell we can sometimes be guilty of taking it out on those nearest and dearest to us, which in your case is your girlfriend.

    From what you have said I do feel that you need to seek and receive medical support.

    For this reason I would suggest that you initially should go to see your GP and explain everything that you have  here.

    Your doctor will probably agree that you do need help and refer you a specialist in this field where you will receive treatment appropriate to your condition.

    You have admitted that you have vicimised your girlfriend, not because you wanted to, but because she has taken the brunt of your anger.

    I would therefore suggest that once you have taken the first steps to seek medical help, you should tell her this, and if you feel up to it apologise for your previous behaviour, and in that way maybe retain her support.

     

    • emma-grace92
      emma-grace92 archemedes

      Posted

      Thank you. I plan on booking an appointment with a GP in the week. I cannot go through this again and need to seek the proper help I failed to do so previously.

      As for my girlfriend. I continually apologise yet do it again & again. I think there is only so much she can take

    • archemedes
      archemedes emma-grace92

      Posted

      But this time she will realise that you are actually trying to do something about it, so there is a good chance that she will decide to support you through it.

      The last thing I would say is that you should not change your mind about seeking medical help.

      Mental health conditions have a nasty habit of convincing us that we are fine, when the truth is we are not.

      So please do not fall into the false sense of security trap - just get it attended to.

    • lee34449
      lee34449 emma-grace92

      Posted

      It's good that you are willing to take medical advice, emma. One thing I would say though is this;You needto do this, not for your dad, not for your girlfriend, you need to do this for YOU. The sad fact is that relationships break down. My wife & I were together for 30yrs when she left, so it was quite a wrench. My behaviour was a large factor in her leaving & I had to accept that & change my ways if I was to get through it. I did change, but I did it not for her, but for ME. that way, when it became obvious she wasn't coming back, I was able to try & start again, which I did. 

      Anti-depressants are not just for shutting people up, they are chemical ellements that replace the chemicals in the brain that cause us to feel the way we do. It's such a complicated subject, so little is known about the human brain, it becomes trial & error getting the correct medication, in the correct dosage for each individual. You need to give it TIME to work, mine took a couple of months before I saw any improvement. 

       

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