My experience of using Citalopram 20mg.

My experience of citalopram.

I felt as if I was going insane, hating my life (I’m female, 37yrs, no kids, FT professional job, UK). The week before my period and during, I constantly thought about negative things like ‘Am I ever going to have children, do I want to live where I live when I am craving the sun). I do light exercise,  don’t drink much and eat pretty healthy.  I was so fed up feeling like I was stuck in a job I am worth more of, without a husband or kids and living in a rented house due to financial problems I can’t yet buy. Having to deal with all these things alone made me feel like I didn’t like my life 2 weeks out of every 4. So about 2 years ago (2014),  I went to my Doctor who has many times over the years refused to acknowledge my hormone mental 2 weeks of my cycle where I feel like this and kept saying ‘anti d’s, try these, try them, try them’….so after a few years I finally said ‘okay let’s try them’. So I got 20mg Citalopram. Within a few weeks I didn’t feel much effect from them apart from busting for the loo and then weeing myself when I couldn’t get to the toilet, I started feeling reclusive, worrying about other things then this seemed to go after a few weeks and I kept on them as according to web sources you have to give the pills a chance to work.

The first year I didn’t notice myself changing, then I did!. I noticed I wasn’t worrying anymore, in fact I couldn’t give two hoots about anything, I had no zest, found I’d lost my ‘daft’ sense of humour where I enjoyed acting silly with my friend. I became a zombie to everything, but with no worry I thought well this is better for now. Until a friend said ‘you’re not yourself, it’s like the lights on but no-one’s home’, I said ‘it’s better than driving myself mad with worry and hating everything’, she said ‘is it!?’. I was adamant the pills were going to sort me out and kept on them for a few more months, until noticed I was bursting for a wee all the time, and them peeing myself should I not get to the loo in time (literally 2 mons after feeling I needed a wee, I’d wee, no warning other than 2mins), I went online, age was blamed so I thought well it’s my age. Only it wasn’t, it was the Citalopram. So with a lack of emotions and all my problems still there but just not reacting or giving thought, I started not going out and not doing things I would normally, my social life fell flat, I didn’t dare even go to the local shop as felt I had anxiety about going out. I stopped doing myself up and sat around with messy hair and jogging bottoms on most of the time, but I was ok because as I was a zombie and kept telling myself, I’m okay and didn’t see the bad things the pills were doing to me. Anyway, cut a long painful weeing every 5 min story short. I decided I couldn’t put up with the weeing any longer, so I decided to try and become 100% non-dependant on anything and cut the pills.  

I cut the pills 5mg a time each week down to none. That was June 2016, now it’s Jan 2017. Instantly I stopped peeing myself nor did I feel like I needed a wee!. Finally! And I was pleased as that was awful. Over the last 6 months my sleep pattern has been HORRENDOUS! I get an hour, wake up from a bad dream, drop off for a few hours, wake up around 3am, awake for 1-2 hours, fall asleep or keep wide awake, if I read I ned up finishing the book. I bought a new bed to see if that helped, nothing helped. If I fall asleep I can’t then get up at 6.45am for work. I felt dread and regret from my past and these thoughts have plagued me for months ‘should I have tried to find a husband years ago I would’ve had a family by now’, was the main thoughts.

Around 2/3 months ago I got a new job with the same organisation, this gave me a new change, new people, new everything and I felt like I was getting better. The worry is subsiding and only creeping up now and again. I tried sleeping pills – Nytol one a night, these knock me out but I don’t feel as if I have slept. I decided back in about Aug to try a  contraceptive pill to stop my periods giving me mental madness, and it worked. I now feel a lot more stable (not sure if it’s no citalopram or the contraceptive pill). I quit the sleeping pills as don’t want to rely on them. Weekends I sleep well but weekdays I wake up thought the night 4 out of 5. So, my mind must be worrying about something. I put to the bed the ‘kids, husband, house’ and thought ‘if it’s meant to be it will be and this way of thinking helps.

 I hope this helps others with how they feel on Citalopram but to sum my symptoms up of the pills. Here is a list of things it made me do:

Need the loo constantly, even when I’d just been, wee my pants if I wasn’t near a loo to race off and do a teeny trickle!

Unemotional, no feelings towards anyone or anything, I’d not even feel emotional hearing people’s sad stories at work or on the news. Nothing, no emotions at all.

Feelings of anxiety (these pills were supposed to help with anxiety and they actually gave me anxiety, go figure!).

Reclusive feelings, didn’t want to socialise, couldn’t care less about anyone not even myself.

I feel I have damaged my mind using Citalopram, however I am glad I tried them as I know my state of mind wasn’t depressed it was just muddled by my hormones. I will stop using the contraceptive pill as I fear problems from those such as the breast cancer risk etc. I do feel I have to mend my mind as my sleep cycle has been damaged by the pills, because before I took them I could sleep on a washing line for hours and have lie ins. Now I’d love to have a lie in. I’m trying getting up at the crack of dawn then putting ear plugs in and going back to bed, seems to be working. I feel I am getting a bit happier and I don’t let my mind wander to my regrets. I do have a good life but I, myself don’t help that by not grabbing opportunities because I became a recluse, I like being single as I’m happy and tell myself all the time ‘It could be worse’., I have my dog and my job so it definitely could be worse.

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