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Hello. Long time no see. I haven't been here in a while since I've been doing great recently but some...incidents recently have changed that.
My father decided to give all four of our cats flea medicine designed for extra large dogs in order to "save money." This medicine contained permethrin, a chemical that is toxic and sometimes fatal to cats. Within moments one of my cats, Violet, the smallest of the bunch, was violently scratching at the application site and acting very erratic and strange. I didn't think that much of it at the time since she always acts strange after flea medication, but if I had acted immediately and washed the medicine off, it would have saved her life.
The next day, my other cat, Lily, who is Violet's daughter and the second smallest but still a fairly large cat, got very sick. She was trembling and drooling and was very uncoordinated, and was running a very high fever. I took her to the hospital and she was diagnosed with "very substantial" permethrin toxicity. She survived, thankfully, but Violet has yet to return to the house.
She hasn't shown up for dinner, and hasn't responded to her name being called. I examined the forest outside my house she usually hangs out in, but I couldn't find her. The vet I spoke to gave her "at most" a 50/50 chance of survival if treated, and much less if she was not treated.
It's been about four days since then and she still has not shown up. It's safe to say that my Violet is dead somewhere out there. After the hospital visit my father kicked me out of his house because I yelled at him for poisoning our cats with medicine that has a massive "keep away from cats, may be fatal" label on the front, but the pain from this pales in comparison to the pain I feel regarding my beautiful Violet.
I've never felt such horrible guilt in my life. If I had washed the medicine off the moment she started acting strange she would have likely survived, but since I didn't, she was poisoned and probably died. I allowed my father to kill her and he isn't even the least bit bothered by causing the death of his cat. I cried so much that night I took Lily to the hospital that I dehydrated myself into a migraine lasting a good day and a half. It hurts so much to know that I could've saved her, but I didn't.
How can I help myself to understand that it's not my fault that my father killed my baby girl? I need help or I'll spiral back down to where I was a year ago.
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