My first post: still struggling with MH issues after many years...

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My first post.

First of all - please DO NOT worry my GP/Psych are both aware and I have signed a non-suicide contract.

1. I have suicidal ideation, written my suicide note, and a detailed suicide plan...and money hidden to pay for my cremation. I have come to terms with death, have no fear, and am looking forward for the pain to be finally over. I have sold everything except for bits of kitchen stuff and one change of clothing... I only buy my food one day at a time.  I am ready but one thing is holding me back which I cannot disclose but my GP/Psych again  are aware of what it is (NB: and likely not going to happen for a while);

2. I have no emotion, I just feel so distant from the 'real' world; 

3. I feel I am no longer a person (human being), the world does not feel real, just feels like I am living in a dream. I hallucinate sounds, smells, and things - I often see people in front of me who then just disappear into thin air - although my current medication has reduce the psychosis a degree;

4. I cannot / don't want any family/friends. I have felt depressed for as long as I can remember, everything's just grey, I feel so tired and worn out even at my age;

5. I cannot stand people touching me. In fact, I do not like people even being near me. I hate the smell of  people, the noises they make drinking, eating, laughing, even talking;

6. I have very little sex drive and although I find some people sexually attractive (heterosexual, although probably partly asexual), I could never have physical/sexual intimacy, but this is possibly due to PTSD (from Childhood Sexual Abuse)?;

6. I cannot stand noise. I spend almost all my life wearing industrial grade earplugs. The radio/TV all make me ill (almost physically sick by the inane pretend 'happiness' and stupid 'joviality' - which makes me so angry I feel like smashing things up. I can just about cope with 'calm' old radio comedies...or ambient/chillout music;

7. I just sit in a dark room... nothing interests me. I sometimes stare out of the window for hours at a time but see 'nothing'. I follow the breaking news on the Web, reading/watching all the terrible things that are happening in the world. I become even more numb and the news just further supports my willingness to leave this world;

8. I look forward to taking my medications and falling asleep each night. I wish for happy dreams which does not always happen, but sometimes I have a nice dream. I sometimes wish the nice dreams are what the world is really like;

9. I do not see the world the same way as other people. Everything looks like death and decay. In fact I am surrounding my death and decay. I see nothing but a world or humans abusing / hating each other... I cannot trust anyone... all they do is try and continue to abuse me.

10. I make no plans... as each day could be my last. No-one understands me... it is just a never-ending cycle of medical appointments, arguments about my diagnosis between different units, letters, telephone calls, prescriptions.  This is now all that is left in my life. I hate it.

I am not on any illicit drugs or have an alcohol problem.

I would be interested on what you think my diagnosis is / should be and if anyone had a similar combination of symptoms and found a way out.

Stu

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12 Replies

  • Posted

    I hope that writing it all down has helped you a little to get things clearer in your head, at least.
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  • Posted

    Hi stu. What do you belive is causing this. You seem to be quite educated.
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    • Posted

      I am not the type of person who scours information on medical conditions as you end up with all of them.  I have been diagnosed with a dozen different things over the last 15 years...but my current diagnosis is Borderline Personality Disorder with co-morbid Psychotic Depression and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder...with a watching brief towards potential Schizophrenic-based disorders. It is a bit of a mess with adds to my frustration. I know the medical staff try their best...but a few weeks ago my Psych reminded me that there isn't one magic pill which made be quite low for a while afterwards. Stu.
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    • Posted

      Wow I have Bpd and can relate to some of wot U have described I also have PTSD and OCD it does make it much harder to treat a combination of things but don't give up, the noise I get that it's awful. Sometimes diagnosis can help but I think depends on the individual and also a lot of doctors get things wrong. U r right there's no magic pill as I have to constantly b reminded. But there R very good talking therapies, CBT and DBT can really help and I would encourage U to ask UR mental health doctor it can take a while to find wot works for U but U r not alone in this. I view the world very negatively and I think wen UVE been through the awful things ALOT of us have its no surprise. But it's very hard to change this. I had CBT and it did help to a certain degree. I'm starting DBT in April and IVE heard that this actually teaches skills to use along with mindfulness and it will make a change to be given tools to help deal with things, becoz talking therapy can be helpful but I think for me anyway going over it again and again helped but after a while I just wanted to accept wot IVE been through and try to move forward instead of going over it more and feeling worse. Recovery is a long process and hard work but we R still here with all we have endured. It is just so hard to seem to get the right help. Especially since BPD is not as well understood as other disorders and there R some doctors who actually refuse to treat ppl with it. Don't give up U have a very good insight into UR difficulties and I have found that knowledge is power, wen I finally got my diagnoses I read as much as I could on it and treatments. It is frustrating but don't give up hope it is finger wot works for U. It's so hard becoz we isolate ourselfs which don't help but it's so hard to have the energy to b social. Well done for not drinking or taking drugs I too have manage to stay away as this only makes treatment harder becoz they can't treat U until that is sorted so that's a massive strength that U have not turnt to these escapes. And tryst ME I no how much U want to get away I too wake up and wish the dreams I had were real. Talking on here should help becoz at least ppl undersrand with no judgement, I would encourage U to keep trying with doctors and services. Again it can b hard wen u feel so awful. Good luck
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    • Posted

      Thanks for the reply Sarah (so looooong but appreciated). I am taking meds now so will be asleep in 30 minutes or so (zzzzzzzzzz), but will try and respond tomorrow.

      In the meantime, what do you mean by DBT? I've had CBT in the past but have never really worked...I struggle to build a 'professional' relationship with the therapist. I went to group therapy (ONCE!) but had to walk out...

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    • Posted

      DBT is dialectic behavioural therapy it was created for BPD it is a combination of tools/ skills to cope, and mindfulness, trying to b present in the moment. If U google it, or there R books but I Havnt had it yet was on waiting list for a long time but I have heard amazing things from ppl who have had it. CBT really helped me but i did a lot of research on it I got a self help book which I studied along side the weekly sessions however I think it should last longer. I will get bk to U with the DBT as I could do with reading up again before I tell U more
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  • Posted

    Stu, I'm not trying to be clever or facetious here. I can see you're in unbearable mental agony and I feel completely helpless in the face of it. I certainly can't suggest anything that would help. But the very fact that you're here, asking if anyone knows a way out of your current state, suggests to me that the will to live is still burning strongly in you, as it does - and must - in all of us. That's not a challenge, much less a dismissal of your suffering. It's just an observation that in asking this question, you are demonstrating a basic sign of sound mental health.

    I can't say what your diagnosis is. I can only hope that you can somehow escape from this well of pain.

    Lily

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    • Posted

      You hit the nail on the head.

      As I do not have a history of alcohol / drug abuse and know I sometimes have abnormal behaviour (I think they call it 'insight'), I feel am treated unfairly. My GP is great as he understands that I know when I'm struggling and allows me to set my own dosage levels each week. He has also 'forced' the local Psych services to take on my case a number of times, otherwise I would have never been formally diagnosed with some serious conditions. However, he also gets frustrated that unless you turn up at A&E with the proverbial 'slashed wrists' to get proper Psych support is difficult. I think this highlights the underfunding of the NHS mental health services. If I was taken seriously 12 - 15 years ago I may have stemmed my issues... as an one-off depressive episode and resolved my childhood issues through pyschotherapy. Now, like many others I feel, my mental health has slowly deterioted from minor to major issues. 

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    • Posted

      Schizophrenic-based disorders differ with each person as you know. and the NHS answer is lock everyone on a secure ward and treat you like a fool.

      15 years ago i faced dealing with a close person who had gone 40 years through life before being diagnoised, end of life seamed the only way out at one point as i was being acused of every wrong under the sun, help for carers was next to nil and help for the suffer was even worse. i was a weak person who had to become very strong quickly to give the love and support needed. to understand the condition i had to start to study it because of the lack of information around, it turned out to be the best thing i ever done, trying to understand the workings of the brain, then i had to convince the suffer who was in denial to read with me and understand, that was a massive task but as the months passed i could watch the tears start rolling down the suffers face as they read saying that me darling, i think im ill.

      we studied for year after year as  and when we were strong enough untill now and then i would hear a little laughter and the person saying, ho good i done those things and had those thoughts. i knew we was winning if they could laugh at such an awfull time in life. that was not the end of the illness and never will be, we are always on the watch out for signs of return, and it has but we have been lucky as we deal with and they now moved me in there credibility rating as someone who was going to kill them to the bigist support in the life. medication wize we have been lucky and never had to change but in a wierd kind of way i think the knowledge that the brain understands it self and its own componants allows it to control its self to a degree.15 years on i have this most adorable fun loving person due to the fact that the NHS failed us and we fought, im not religous but god must of been there.

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    • Posted

      Thanks for the reply blackberry (so looooong but appreciated). I am taking meds now so will be asleep in 30 minutes or so (zzzzzzzzzz), but will try and respond tomorrow.
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    • Posted

      Very basic advise here as i suffer a lot from mental depression anxiety also, but please try to resist the temptation to look at anything depressing like the T.V, newspapers etc-unless it is uplifting stuff of course. I know from experience that this sort of information will only reinforce on your brain how bad things really feel to you at that time, and you are just compounding your worries and bad feelings. 

       Seek out positive uplifting things, most often the most simple things like watching birds, classical music, sitting in the sunshine, try prayer or meditation, both are closely linked, ever thought of going to a nice friendly Baptist church or church group? I find reading short passages from the Bible helps me, although i very rarely have the energy or confidence to actually go-used to go a lot. It really does give you hope and a feeling of peace.  Try not to analyse everything so much, you are a very clever man and an intelligent mind needs calming and soothing or we become obsessed with negative things. Love is the greatest healer and it is so hard to get this in the outside world i know. God loves you and please try to reach out to him. I understand your problems about aversion to people given your past experiences and diagnosis as I have a niece exactly the same-she is at the very severe end of the spectrum. The only thing i can say is childhood trauma has a very traumatic effect on our views of people and things in general and only acceptance and love will help to heal this kind of trauma. Children are a precious gift and young minds are very vulnerable. You do not deserve to suffer like this-please reach out look for positives anywhere you can, turn away from anything negative or evil in nature.  Easy to say i know but your mind is too vulnerable to take on any body elses problems or negativity. Look to places where friendly caring people like to go. Do you like animals? Try walking dogs at your local dog rescue centre-anything like that-its there if you really want it. If you haven't the energy for that nip down to your local Christian book shop and ask in there what might help your thoughts and feelings-you will be suprised. People do care, just look at the replies you get on here, a lot of people care, usually those who suffer like yourself though with mental health issues as they are the only people who can really understand what you are going through.

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