Posted , 5 users are following.
My first post.
First of all - please DO NOT worry my GP/Psych are both aware and I have signed a non-suicide contract.
1. I have suicidal ideation, written my suicide note, and a detailed suicide plan...and money hidden to pay for my cremation. I have come to terms with death, have no fear, and am looking forward for the pain to be finally over. I have sold everything except for bits of kitchen stuff and one change of clothing... I only buy my food one day at a time. I am ready but one thing is holding me back which I cannot disclose but my GP/Psych again are aware of what it is (NB: and likely not going to happen for a while);
2. I have no emotion, I just feel so distant from the 'real' world;
3. I feel I am no longer a person (human being), the world does not feel real, just feels like I am living in a dream. I hallucinate sounds, smells, and things - I often see people in front of me who then just disappear into thin air - although my current medication has reduce the psychosis a degree;
4. I cannot / don't want any family/friends. I have felt depressed for as long as I can remember, everything's just grey, I feel so tired and worn out even at my age;
5. I cannot stand people touching me. In fact, I do not like people even being near me. I hate the smell of people, the noises they make drinking, eating, laughing, even talking;
6. I have very little sex drive and although I find some people sexually attractive (heterosexual, although probably partly asexual), I could never have physical/sexual intimacy, but this is possibly due to PTSD (from Childhood Sexual Abuse)?;
6. I cannot stand noise. I spend almost all my life wearing industrial grade earplugs. The radio/TV all make me ill (almost physically sick by the inane pretend 'happiness' and stupid 'joviality' - which makes me so angry I feel like smashing things up. I can just about cope with 'calm' old radio comedies...or ambient/chillout music;
7. I just sit in a dark room... nothing interests me. I sometimes stare out of the window for hours at a time but see 'nothing'. I follow the breaking news on the Web, reading/watching all the terrible things that are happening in the world. I become even more numb and the news just further supports my willingness to leave this world;
8. I look forward to taking my medications and falling asleep each night. I wish for happy dreams which does not always happen, but sometimes I have a nice dream. I sometimes wish the nice dreams are what the world is really like;
9. I do not see the world the same way as other people. Everything looks like death and decay. In fact I am surrounding my death and decay. I see nothing but a world or humans abusing / hating each other... I cannot trust anyone... all they do is try and continue to abuse me.
10. I make no plans... as each day could be my last. No-one understands me... it is just a never-ending cycle of medical appointments, arguments about my diagnosis between different units, letters, telephone calls, prescriptions. This is now all that is left in my life. I hate it.
I am not on any illicit drugs or have an alcohol problem.
I would be interested on what you think my diagnosis is / should be and if anyone had a similar combination of symptoms and found a way out.
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