My girlfriend has bulimia
Posted , 2 users are following.
For a couple of years now my girlfriend has made herself sick when she feels ugly or if she's eaten more than she thinks she should. At first I thought it was a one off thing but it became apparent that it happens often, I don't know exactly how often but somewhere between once a week and once a month. She has a history of anorexia and, I think to a lesser degree, self harm.
My initial reaction was to tell her off about it, that if she loved me she wouldn't do that to herself, I now know that this was completely wrong and since I've tried to be supportive.
She hides it from me, being sick after she's asked me to go to the shops etc, but if I catch her she becomes overwhelmed with self loathing and becomes very defensive. Last night she blamed me for ruining our evening when I came home and smelt sick. I know I can't challenge her over this but I can't ignore the problem either.
She is a slim (BMI of 19 or so) 35 year old. At the moment I do not think her problem is dangerous to her health. She snacks on pretzels and cheese or prepared foods from the local convenience store rather than eating regular cooked meals and would quite happily continue eating after she has been sick.
She says the feeling she gets from eating too much makes her want to hurt herself and the only way to alleviate that feeling is to be sick.
She also gets very upset if she perceives that she has eaten more than me.
My biggest worry is that she makes no attempt to get better. We have talked about controlling her eating habits but if I don't enforce these measures she carries on as before and I don't want to have to be in charge of what and when she eats. When I try to talk to her she tells me there's nothing I can do and that I should accept her being sick every now again. She says that if I stop her being sick the result is she would hurt herself. I struggle not to see this as emotional black mail. I also worry about the extent of her problem, she actively tries to hide it from me, what if she is sick multiple times a week?
I am looking for advice on the following:
1. How do I talk about this without it becoming a confrontation?
2. Should I take active measures to fight her problem (i.e. denying her snacks and forcing better eating habits)?
3. What help is there I/we/she can get to try and move forward and get passed this?
4. I do not think her health is in immediate danger, should I be less worried than I am?
0 likes, 3 replies
lizbbnk88
Posted
I am going into mental health nursing and I myself have some experience from E.D's
Usually for a diagnosis for bulimia it has to be a consistant pattern e.g. 3 weeks, 3 months etc. this obviously can only be diagnosed by someone with the right qualifications. A person with bulimia can be any BMI or weight but because your other half is slim it is not always a good idea to end one eating disorder and start another.
I know you must care and love your girlfriend but no amount of force will stop her, she will find a way to do this. She will lie to you, hide food or do it when you are not there to supervise. The whole thing about bulimia is control, she may feel that is the only thing in her life she can control. OBVIOUSLY this is not a good thing at all. I would advise you to may be write a list of how this feels to you seeing her do this and tell her without shouting or getting judgemental (that is the last thing someone with this wants to hear, I know it will be hard but I am trying to be honest with you) Also ask her questions like "When you make yourself sick, how do you feel afterwards?" or how does she feel if SHE thinks she's over-eaten? Just ask questions that are open ended not a yes or no answer.
With anything like this, it is about changing the habits to replace new ones, you cannot do this, of course you can be there to support her but she needs professional help and if she is not ready to get that help then there is not a lot you can do.
Please do not try and force her to do things as she may result in other self harm ways (I personally believe that bulimia is self harm in a way, but once you start doing things like this, it can open more doors to self harm).
Also make sure YOU are getting support, do you have a doctor, friend or family you can sit down with and just talk to? I know some men or people do not think it's masculine to do but in this time of you being her crutch you need to be supported too (I am happy to talk to you if you would rather not tell someone close) but please go and see a doctor.
Just know that although she is blaming you, mood-swings is a BIG factor in E.D's and she will try to push you away so if you need to step back do not blame yourself, her mind is not well at the moment
hope this helps
Liz x
muscatred
Posted
The hardest part is her making me feel guilty for trying to help her. I've a better understanding of her mind set now. I'll support her in any way I can.
Thanks again.
Guy
lizbbnk88
Posted
No problem. I know it must be incredibly hard as you want to do everything you can to help your girlfriend but like I said until she is ready to help herself there is not a lot you can do (which is awful I know). The best thing for you to make sure you take care of yourself.
Again if you need any help or want to chat let me know
Liz