My girlfriend is depressed and I’m not sure what do to

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My girlfriend and I have been together for a year now and I noticed things weren’t the same as they used to be but I didn’t know why until she told me about how she was depressed a couple of days ago. I love her so much and I’m always going to be there for her as long as she wants me to be, but the thing is when I told her this she said that she doesn’t feel anything, for anyone, it’s like her heart is empty, she told me. I asked her if she wanted to end things with me, she said no but she can’t spend too much time with me either (I must add that we’re in a long distance relationship) because she’s tired of pretending sometimes. But she also said that she doesn’t want to lose me. I told her that if she doesn’t feel anything I don’t necessarily want to pressure her into anything and that she wouldn’t lose me even if she decides it’s better for her if we at least take a break because she needs to breathe, that I was always going to be there for her, but that it would just take the pressure of maintaining a relationship off her shoulders. I don’t know if all of this makes sense, but my point is, she doesn’t necessarily wants to talk to me about it and I don’t know what I should do. I suppose it’s the depression that makes her feel nothing for me, but it makes me sad you know ? I want to help her but I don’t know how. 

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  • Posted

    bcerva

    You do not say is your girlfriend has seen a Doctor or other specialist, it may be a good idea if She goes and gets some help to get the depression treated.

    It is difficult to advise on something like this all I can really say is be there for Her, also be firm and kind regards this condition. In my past I did suffer in the same way and sad to say I used the condition to hit out at someone who loved me. Even now when in pain and I am low I can cause those around me some forms of grief, it will be up to you to help and accept this may happen.

    One way that may help is just to talk to Her and ask what has caused this depressive illness, to be for warned  can help you both talk out Her concerns and fears

    BOB

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    • Posted

      Thanks for this Bob.

      The thing is she told me she's been thinking of going to see a specialist and that she talked to her mom about it but she won't do it. I think she should but I don't want to pressure her into anything and since we see each other like once a month it's even harder for me to help her you know ?

      Bea

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  • Posted

    Hello bcerva. I hear your concern and I hear your pain. It's not easy to be in a relationship with someone in a depression and it's hard not to take things personally is it? But you love her and are looking for ways to support her. When I go numb at times and especially before I went for counseling I had no idea what was wrong with me. But I worked hard in therapy to find out it was not ok with me to feel that way forever. 

    In your case you can love and support but you can't cure her nor medicate her. She needs a doctors and soon. The sooner that we get help the better it is. Encourage her love her but don't push her to talk let her ease into that at her own pace. Can you do these things? Keep us posted. Will you?  Diane

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    • Posted

      Hi Diane ! 

      I used to take things personally but I blame myself now that I know why she was acting this way. Now all I want is to help her. Like I said to Bob, she's been thinking of going to see a specialist but she won't do it. I think she should and I want her to but I don't want to pressure her into anything and since we see each other like once a month it's even harder for me to help her you know ? 

      I will never push her to talk if she doesn't feel like it that's for sure. 

      This is a more personal question but do you think she still wants to be with me regardless she way she's feeling ? Because like I said before she told me she doesn't feel anything but that she doesn't want to lose me and I was wondering if this was the depression talking ? I'm not sure how I fit into all this to be honest, but I know I also don't want to lose her. I'm a bit confused I guess.

      It's good to be able to talk about those things though so thank you for helping.

      Bea

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    • Posted

      If you are only seeing here once a month you need to consider where you stand with this person. Depending on the cause of Her illness it may eventually come about where She will move onto a new pathway that will throw you off balance and that in turn would upset your well being You will need to consider the pros and cons and understand you will need to be strong, firm and kind not forgetting your own feelings that need to also be protected. It is no good she says she does not want to loose you and blow cold when Her Mood dictates.

      I know from past hurts and my own Mental Health problems we do change as we get better, this can lead to big changes in our outlook too life and those around us.

      All I will suggest is enjoy what you have and never rely on what may happen in the future, live for the day, especially if you only see Her once a month.

      You need to understand protect yourself and keep on at Her to make an appointment to arrange some CBT.

      Do you have any idea why she is suffering so, to know the reasons will help both of you understand and move on in both of your lives together

      BOB

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  • Posted

    Hi bcerva - sorry to read of your situation - a difficult one when distance comes between you. "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink," is the saying. Seeking help really is up to her, and if she is depressed, she may feel despondent, overwhelmed, unsure. Some gentle prodding is required. Reassure her that getting help is the sensible thing to do, that it can work wonders, that it's better to know why she's feeling like this than just imagining all sorts of horrors, that you will be with her every step of the way, and that doing nothing is not working.   Whenever she mentions how she is feeling, coax her to see the doc. If she shuts you down, change the subject and approach it next time.

    Your concern that she may not want to be with you, or that she may be misrepresenting wanting to be with you is naturally concerning for you, but if she is depressed she will vacillate, unsure of quite what she wants. Just be there for her, open and responsive. If she wants space, give it to her, and if she wants to break the relationship, give her that too and let her contact you when she is ready. She has to make decisions about her life. 

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