My girlfriend is shutting me out due to anxiety. Is there any hope?
Posted , 4 users are following.
My girlfriend and I were together 5 months. I knew early on that she had anxiety, but I didn’t know the extent of it until it was too late. We would argue over little things and the arguments would blow up into major things and we would both shutdown, continuously increasing her anxiety.
At one point she told me to read up on it, but I foolishly did not listen. We’ve both been in failed previous relationships and this one, although with the fights, seemed different. We always said how much we loved each other and planned our future and discussed everything. We had so much fun together and I never wanted it to end.
After one fight, her anxiety was extremely high and she said she needs to work on herself without the stress of a relationship, so we became “friends.” We hung out a day later, no drama, having fun as friends and it went great. The next day she texted me saying he can’t do this and needs to cut me out of her life completely while she tries to help herself. It took me until then to do extensive research on anxiety, effects it has and how to try and cope with it. My heart broke knowing that I could have done different things to help ease her pain, but I was too stubborn.
I have reached out to her stating that I will always be there for her and want to be able to support her through all of this, while bettering myself. She has mentioned even before “cutting me out” that she wants to be able to start over down the line after she betters herself and maybe, just maybe if we want to try again, that we can be on the same page and have a clean slate.
I am continuing learning about anxiety and I may even see a therapist for my own health in hope to be able to be the person she wants me to be and the person I want to be for her. I have been an absolute mess without her as I truly know that she is the one and the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. I’m just so scared that she will get better and not want me in her life at all. Has anyone had a similar situation and did it work out in the end? I never want to give up on her and I want to do anything I can to eventually get her back. Or, am I just wasting my time trying?
1 like, 7 replies
jan34534 kp27
Posted
first I would like to commend you on understanding your friends situation enough to allow her the space she needs right now.
its important or not only her, but for you also that she is taking this time to figure herself out and feel peace.
There is a saying that says you can’t give away what you don’t have. So unless she gets help for this, she wouldn’t be able to give you what you need in a relationship because currently she doesn’t have that.
the same is true for you. It’s good for you to learn about anxiety and what she’s going through so that you can give her what she needs eventually.
I think that you are on the right track when you said you might get counseling. You can learn so much about her situation and it may even help you in what you’re going through!
as far as what the future will hold,, nobody really knows. Not you and not her. well that’s just the dice that you roll. However, just the fact that both of you would be getting counseling is something that would benefit each of you no matter what. That way, if anxiety ever comes into play again, you both would know how to manage it.
Hopefully this won’t happen but, even if she decides to move on, it’s something she would choose for herself. On the other hand things may work out perfectly between you two!
You have to be able to know in your heart that either of these could happen and that you would be OK. We can’t force anybody to be with us because then the relationship would not be genuine. One thing I learned in this life is that we have to be very resilient and flexible because change happens all the time! I’m not a big fan of change but I had to get used to it.
hope this helps a little bit. Just take it day by day and see what happens. Don’t look too far into the future because people then tend to come up with their own conclusions as to what will happen. In therapy that is called fortunetelling and it’s basically useless. Hope everything works out!
kp27 jan34534
Posted
Thank you for your reply. Update: Yesterday I reached out to her and told her she is not alone in this and I want to be there to be able to help her through anything. We spoke the rest of the day and night as friends and it really seemed like we were happy. We were discussing anxiety and what we've both learned and discussed therapy and how I plan to see someone for myself. She said that she enjoys being able to talk to me about those things and We were talking about if we were to try again eventually we will definitely need to talk and understand exactly what we need from each other, and we talked about how we both can't stop thinking about each other and we even were sending some funny pictures and videos to each other. I went to bed in a way better place.
The next morning I woke up, texted her good morning and we chatted for a bit and out of the blue once again she said she needed to tell me something and hope I could understand. She said she doesn't think it's right to talk at this moment for her no matter how hard it is for both of us. She also said that even the suggestion from her therapist was that she stop contact to get better because it has been really tough and her anxiety isn't stopping. She ended saying that it's really rough not talking but it doesn't help both of us heal. I responded saying that all I wanted to do was show her my support and show her that I want to do everything in my power to change and understand what you are going through and be able to be there for you so you're not alone in this. I told her that non-stop support could be a good thing, but then said that if she thinks not talking to me at all will help you, then that's all I want for her is to get better. Her final comment was this might take time, a month or even longer and that she hopes we can reconnect in the future and be friends as we spoke about but right now this doesn't feel right to do. She cares about me and that's what's making this really hard.
This is absolutely crushing to me and I can't and don't want to be without her, let alone completely cut out of contact. I am going to give her her space no matter how hard it will be, but I'm just so scared that we won't ever be able to reconnect and I will be forgotten. I truly love her more than anything and I never want to lose her. I'm scared that because the relationship caused her anxiety to increase that when she's better and I am better she will be too afraid to reconnect and try again, even though I will be continuously learning about anxiety and how to cope with it. I appreciate your response and at this point I just don't know how to move past this. I can't contact her, I don't want to lose her, and I'm just scared about the future.
jan34534 kp27
Posted
how you are feeling is perfectly understandable and normal. you care about her greatly and you don’t want to lose her. of course it’s not going to be easy .that’s
even though you’re not sure what the future holds, allow yourself some time to feel down about this. People have to go through that in the beginning. But don’t let it drag on too long otherwise it won’t do you a bit of good and you don’t want to sink into depression.
gradually, start doing things for yourself to help you feel better. Get a little exercise, confide in family or friends, actually counseling would be a GREAT Idea right now for you! That would be my single best advice!just let it all out to the counselor and he or she can really help you during this time! .
get back to your normal routine and try not to fall into the trap of laying around and thinking. The busier you get, the better you will feel.
Depending on how long this goes on, if she does decide to see you again, you will be healthy and in a good place if you take care of yourself now.
i have to tell you that my daughter had to do this with her boyfriend. She also was experiencing anxiety and was conflicted about the relationship. He’s a great guy, I’m sure just like you.
He graciously backed out and allowed her to have time. He had no choice but to get on with his life. I can’t remember how long they were apart but it wasn’t anything like a year. They finally saw each other again and from then on she was completely sure that he was the one. in fact I was living with her at the time and she was miserable at times because she missed him. Within a year they were engaged, now married and expecting their first child! They are unbelievably happy! .
he has since told me that when he was apart from my daughter, his mother knew how much he loved her and she asked him what he was going to do with his heart? in three words he answered her .......
" I Will Wait." SO you never know what’s going on in her mind.
So be patient . don’t contact her. Let her contact you when she’s ready. And it’s important for you to take care of yourself! No matter what the outcome is you’re going to be OK! ❤
kp27 jan34534
Posted
Thank you for the quick response on this. Obviously right now I feel helpless as there's nothing I can do for her except give her the time she needs. I have hope in my heart that it will all work out in the end, but only time will tell. I'm a mess and most likely will be for quite some time. I will try and get out this weekend and do something. It's very hard to get motivated right now knowing that I could have done something sooner and we wouldn't be in this situation. I really hope that this has the same ending as your daughter. Thank you for all of your replies.
kp27 jan34534
Posted
Update, I think I may have made a mistake. I cannot get over what is happening and it's been about a week since I spoke/texted her. I wrote up a 6 page letter spelling everything out; the great times, the moment I fell in love with her, etc. And I also stated that all I can see is a future with her and that I will always be there for her. That I understand we have to work on each other individually, but I will always be there for her and that I love her more than anything in this world. When I got home I thought that maybe I just made things worse.... I don't know what to feel. I know she needs space and that was the last thing I wanted to do that's considered "contact." Did I just ruin any chance of it working out in the end?
mary18393 kp27
Posted
did it work out for you guys? going through something very similar.
connor51535 kp27
Posted
It's understandable that you are feeling lost and scared about your relationship with your girlfriend. It's great that you have taken steps to learn about anxiety and its effects, and are considering seeking therapy for your own health. It's important to prioritize your own mental health and well-being in order to be the best possible support for your girlfriend.
It's important to remember that relationships take work and patience, and that both parties need to be willing to make changes and work on themselves in order for the relationship to thrive. If your girlfriend wants to work on herself and prioritize her own mental health, it's important to respect that decision.
However, it's also important to communicate your feelings and let her know that you are willing to support her and be there for her. It may not be easy, but keeping the lines of communication open and expressing your feelings can help both of you grow and improve. It's also important to be patient and give her the space and time she needs to work on herself.
It's impossible to predict the future and whether your relationship will work out in the end. However, by focusing on your own personal growth and being a supportive friend, you may be able to rekindle your relationship in the future if that is what both of you want. It's also important to be prepared for the possibility that your relationship may not work out, and to take care of yourself no matter what the outcome is.