My girlfriend's mum is making her suicidal

Posted , 7 users are following.

I don't really know how to go about asking about this but I'm in a situation where I feel completely powerless to help my girlfriend out.

Basically her mum clearly has anger management problems and is on and probably addicted to anti depressants as well as prescription painkillers and alcohol, she goes to work in the mornings and does half days 3 or 4 times a week and basically spends a lot of the rest of the time on an iPad or watching TV or with her parents and my girlfriend does the majority of the housework like cleaning, washing, hoovering, dealing with the dogs etc and also taking her little sister out nearly every weekend whilst also having to fit in time for a law degree. She's also the only person that tidies up after herself so she's always having to clean up 5 other people's mess in the house.

She also has an older sister who now lives at home after working away for a year but seems to get away with doing absolutely nothing around the home because she paid something like 300 pounds for board until she starts work again, and a younger sister who honestly seems to be showing the early signs of depression at the age of 12 and her mum seems to pick at her and blow up about absolutely everything she does wrong.

My girlfriend seems to be in a constant battle with her mum who recently blew up about her saying she'll do the housework when she comes back in the afternoon not before she leaves and went on the same ridiculous 45 minute rant about how she apparently does nothing at all for her mum while her mum moves mountains for her and all she ever does is f***s off with her useless boyfriend and stuff like that, just generally berating her and speaking to her like a child.

What upsets me about this also is that her mum is obsessively proud of my girlfriend's older sister because she works and makes a decent amount of money but it almost seems like her mum and her step dad (who also runs a business) don't seem to be able to quantify university work as real work, maybe because it's not monetarily profitable right now and they don't get to see any physical reward like the money her sister pays for board. My girlfriend works incredibly hard on her degree and her parents barely caved to allow her to stop paying board for the time being, despite her only having about a thousand pound maintenance loan for the entire year which has to go towards her food and commuting to and from uni. I realise I'm going on quite a bit now but I find it hard to put the right words to how the situation feels, it's like they think she's lazy because she doesn't to out and do physical actual "jobs".

I'm working in retail at the moment and can't afford to move us out which I'm desperate to do and I'm trying to find a new job to be able to do it because this situation is not good for her at all, honestly in the last few months I can see how far down her mental health has gone, she gets angry about tiny things and will randomly have these episodes where she just gets overwhelmed and won't want to do anything at all and it frightens me and I don't know how to help.

On top of this, her mum seems to not recognise any of it and tells her that her depression is immature and she's not actually depressed because "you've not been through anything compared to the things I've been through". Basically her mum thinks that because her life was worse at the age of 20 she has no right to be depressed and it makes her feel worthless and completely unappreciated and she's told me she's genuinely felt suicidal at times recently because of this and I'm scared for her and I don't know what I'm supposed to say or do to help her when she gets at her worst.

I'm sorry for going on for so long but I have no other outlet to say any of this to so I just have to put it somewhere. Thanks in advance for any advice or input, and thanks for reading through this.

4 likes, 7 replies

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7 Replies

  • Posted

    It sounds like she is lucky to have you for support. If her mom is taking antidepressants and drinking too much, that very likely affects her behaviour and she needs to see her doctor for help. Has your girlfriend told her doctor about what she is feeling and dealing with right now? She needs to look after her health too. The sooner you find somewhere else to stay the better it will be for you both. Are there any other relatives or friends you could stay with until you can afford your own place? Depression isn't just caused by your situation. My depression didn't start until after I retired and we moved into our own condo and I finally had what I wanted. Then I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and luckily I am now on meds that work very well for me. She is dealing with a lot and her mother is completely unfair, but her mental state isn't stable and your girlfriend is unlucky recipient of her outbursts.

    Please try to get her to see her doctor. Let me know how you get on please.

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  • Posted

    Your girlfriend must feel used and depressed also knowing she probably isn’t favourite child, I grew up knowing I wasn’t favourite as well.  She does really well studying and having to deal with all that on top.  The sooner you can get somewhere the better then they’ll have to clean up their own mess.  When kids do move out to somewhere of their own one thing I’ve learned as a parent  is we don’t have automatic rights to be in their lives so to be in her daughters life she needs to change her behaviour.
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  • Posted

    Dear Callum, so sorry to hear your friend is going though this. Sounds like your a good friend. I would see in the  College or university that she’s going to , has some kind of  counseling , usually it’s free, and maybe you can go with her.  Sometimes just unloading in a professional can help. Remember only she can change her situation, but as a friend you can help her get to  counseling . Good luck, let us know, keep in touch.
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  • Posted

    Hello Callum. As I read through you email...I kept hearing your words from your first sentence. Yes I agree you are powerless over this situation. It makes me remember all the times in my life when someone that I loved  was participating in behavior that was hurting them and their was nothing that I could do about it. I felt so powerless. All I could do was love them and support them and pray that they would come to realize that they deserve to be treated better than that. I think watching someone that we care about hurt is so incredibly painful and I could surely hear it in your words. I had to eventually get help for myself and to change some of the ways that I was reacting to my loved  one and the situation. We care here. I hope something that I said helped. Please keep posting. Diane
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  • Posted

    Hi this sounds awful and you sound like a lovely caring person.  If I was your gf I think I would stop doing all the housework and look for a job instead.  If she could afford to pay a bit for her board it might ease the situation.  Also if she was out at work she wouldn't be home as much to do the work or to listen to her mother so much. 

    The sooner you can both move in together the better.  x


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