My hidden crutch

One of my biggest things I hate to admit is that I have a drinking problem. I feel ridiculous even writing it out right now. I'm 25 years old, which is prime drinking age, you would think... but considering the facts, I've been drinking on most of the days in my last five or six years, and even at 17 or 18 I had some times where I would keep vodka around at night.

One time I hit a rock bottom and got in a short police chase, getting myself a DUI and a high list of expenses. That was almost three years ago, when I was 23. I said "that's it," and stopped drinking for a couple weeks, during which time I don't quite recall how I felt - probably a little off.

The night I got a DUI I had decided to stop hustling trees, which provided the expendable income that I used on... whatever. It was never an issue to just throw down some of that expendable money on drinks.

Before my DUI, I drank socially more often, out and about, driving afterwards. After, I've seemed to preferred drinking in the comfortability of my home. Either way, the bar's supply never cut it, and I would always have some available for my personal consumption whenever I "needed." (i.e. "felt like it" )

I haven't always been able to say that it's just a choice I like to make. I quit selling, so the money wasn't always plentiful, and, last winter, for example, I reverted to Steel Reserve beers and cheap liquors to sate my taste for the buzz. The money comes in at a trickle for me in the winter... well, not anymore, as I have revived my expendable source of income within the past year...

However, over the last year-and-a-half especially, my drinking has been a bit of a hidden crutch in my life. I like doing anything that I can do while drinking; i.e. golf, woodland walks, hanging at home, get-togethers with friends, even going to the bar on a rare occasion. Besides that, I am in work or school - and I found that last semester, I drank a 90-proof nip or two before many classes... or over the summer, I'd work my day labor job, drink a nip or two, get ready and go to my night job. Then at the on-the-computer part of my night job I'd sling a few back over the course of some hours... get out, drive home, and drink on the way there, then finish the night off passing out at home. Wake up in the morning with a half-empty this or that, or a full nip, even-- down that, then head off to work again. on Saturday mornings, I work very early, and go on-air at a radio station. I'd even drink a nip before sun-up on my way in, and another nip midway through the show. Often I would drink three nips when getting off of that shift, go home, and take a nap.

With the onset of cold weather, I kept a beer and a nip in the car to drink right after getting off my day job. My drinking goes hand-in-hand with tobacco smoking as well. I would drink a nip before entering a shopping center, because shopping is better that way... I would drink on lunch break here and there... I would excuse myself, like, damn - living this routine of day-in and day-out working two jobs/going to school, AND suffering heartbreak..? A man's gotta put it down somehow.

And the She who broke my heart came back to me less than a year ago--That all fell through again, probably partly because I can't get a hold on my substance intake. She came back to me again within the last couple of months, and has said she will stick with me while I give it a try going without alcohol. I went five days on my own without before she came back - no withdrawals, just hard to sleep and a gnawing sensation in the back of my head, like... "why aren't you drinking something right now? That's your habit!"

She doesn't know the extent of my habit. She's the only woman I've ever loved as my own, and I've already died 1000 deaths losing her before... I really wouldn't want to lose her again. I already wanted to make changes in my life before she came back in it, and I still feel like I'm on my own in making these changes... she once said, years ago when she wasn't even 21 yet: "If you can't be strong for you, you can't be strong for us." So I've always felt on my own with handling my own issues.

I slept at her place the Monday night - was supposed to be my first night without drinking - but had two nips on reserve that I drank in solitude after she fell asleep. I didn't sleep much. Woke up, bought nips, drank, took a long nap... drank a little that night and a beer the next night, on the low. Didn't drink at all Wednesday but smoked weed that night, and now on Thursday - she might want me to come over, but I'm concerned things might be complicated by my hidden demons.

I have often drank to rid myself of feelings, and noticed I became sensitive on the phone with her last night. Ended the phone convo, but smoothed it over with a couple texts. She also doesn't know I smoke tobacco again.

She was also daily marijuana-smoker since high school years, and recently showed me she was able to go two weeks without it. I'm very proud of her. I want to be proud of myself, too, and have her be proud of me. I've picked excersing back up, but I can tell that with all things considered, putting down the drinks will not be the easiest feat.

The last thing I want to do is be overly-sensitive and over-thinking, or anxious, or secretly wanting a drink or even a smoke of tobacco. The last thing I want is restless sleep or inability to doze off because I haven't had a drink. But I can't keep up the lifestyle, it's false. Perpetual habit has turned a desire into a need over time.

I'm even considering going to an AA meeting tonight after class, instead of going to my girl's house. I don't expect she'd understand though. I don't even understand much myself... how underlying issues might come to the surface and how I will handle them... beats me.

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