My husband's suicidal and nobody's listening, PLEASE HELP

Hello everyone,

My husband is reaching a tipping point (as am I) -- and I am getting VERY CONCERNED!!!

I'm struggling to explain what he's going through but I'll do my best (especially since he himself struggles to explain it to me).

First of all, a bit of background: He grew up in a family of 7 children (one of them died when he was 13). His father was a chronic alcoholic with schizophrenia, ADHD and paranoia (never formally diagnosed though). He was extremely abusive towards his mother and some of his siblings, never worked, eventually died of cancer when my husband was 6 or 7. They were very poor, they were literally starving (eating mouldy, hardened bread they could find under old rags, etc -- can't explain it fully as it affects me), so his mother got him to a sort of orphanage for about a year (together with his 3 brothers). After that, his mother was never really present because she was the only one working (his father died) and they were 6 children (plus she was severely depressed after the father and one of her children died), all growing up, all starving etc. So yeah, his childhood was very rough.

I met my husband 10 years ago btw.

He's been more or less struggling with anxiety/depression all his life. About a year ago he had a major panic attack (had to call 999 because he was that bad). He was prescribed some propranolol and that was it. Then it all started... I'm trying to explain what's happening on a daily basis. His ability to concentrate/think is 2% (according to him). He has extreme brain fog -- he is literally unable to focus to 'exist'. He needs a lot of effort to be able to walk, think or any 'basic' stuff. This in turn triggers his anxiety (so it's not the anxiety that's causing it, it's the other way around as his extreme brain fog causes him to become anxious/go into panic mode). This has become so bad now that he is AFRAID to be alone because he knows he isn't able to think at all. For example, he goes into panic mode when I go to wash my face (while he's in the bedroom and I'm in the bathroom which is literally ONE STEP away). Or he's afraid to go downstairs alone, again because he's afraid he can't think. Also, because he can't think, he doesn't trust himself to be by himself because he doesn't know what he might do (hurt himself or others) etc since he can't think and knows he can't think. This is amplified by intrusive thoughts -- e.g. if we're in the kitchen and he picks up a larger knife, he has very vivid images of cutting his fingers. So then he's afraid to be by himself around knives (once he even had to hide knives from himself to ensure he wouldn't hurt himself or me because he can't think/concentrate).

This makes him literally live in 'full panic mode' because he's unable to think to such an extent. He can go to look for something like a spoon and then he forgets what he was looking for, what he's doing... as if his mind has a 'blank' for a while...

He experiences feelings of... 'faining', 'losing consciousness', 'collapsing'. These last throughout the day. This feeling seems to 'start' at the top of his head and goes down (in a way, it feels like when you're having diarrhoea and you immediately feel so week that you might faint -- but he says it's not necessarily like that). This has been going on for many months (6+ if not longer).

He might also be dissociating, though we're not sure. For example, he doesn't recognise himself in the mirror -- he can't even look at himself in the mirror. His limbs feel like they're not his own. He is robotic, erratic in his movements -- like, he can't grab things or they slip through his fingers. He feels disconnected from his body, questions his existence frequently (often out of the blue, with questions like 'Am I really here though?').

He also has ADHD (he was diagnosed with it 2 weeks ago). Ever since he was a child, he has been pacing about the room ALL DAY LONG. Literally, from the moment he wakes up 'till he goes to bed. He can't lie down, he can't rest. To this day, he is ALWAYS UP!!!!!! He NEVER RESTS!!! He wants to so badly, but he just can't. If he tries, 5 or 10 mins later he'll be up again pacing about the room. For nearly 25+ years, this man has been pacing about and was never able to rest.

Today he asked me -- "Am I asking for too much? To be able to rest in bed, watch a movie, do something I like?" This is what he wants because he's SO EXHAUSTED!!!

To this day he has tried MANY antidepressants (partly because they couldn't prescribe ADHD meds since he wasn't formally diagnosed). Escitalopram, setraline, trazodone, venlafaxine, buspirone, duloxetine (at one point he was taking quite high doses of 3 different meds at one time). Nothing worked AT ALL!!! There was little to no improvement -- trazodone was the only one that worked, he takes it before bed and it helps him sleep. But everything else was A WASTE.

In October he spoke with a private psychiatrist who recommended Concerta XL as a trial -- 18mg/day, which is an incredibly low dose. This was to see if it would help him (as he has ADHD). It worked for 2 days (he was KIND OF able to rest for a bit), then it stopped. He was up and about again, pacing about the room 14+ hours a day. NOBODY LISTENS OR BELIEVES US WHEN WE SAY HE PACES ABOUT THE ROOM SO MUCH. NOBODY. Not the GP, not the NHS psychiatrist etc.

After the ADHD diagnosis he was prescribed lisdexamfetamine 30mg. This increased his blood pressure DANGEROUSLY -- 3 readings from yesterday were showing 153/101, 154/102 and 158/103 (taken 10+ mins aparts). He stopped taking it yesterday (plus the effect of the med was diminishing and most symptoms described above were coming up real bad).

He also has these episodes when he goes into a... manic obsession? Like... if he wants me to do something, HE WON'T STOP UNTIL I DO IT. Like, it doesn't matter if it takes the whole day, 2 days, it doesn't matter how much it affects either of us... he can't stop THOUGH HE WANTS TO (and he's extremely sorry afterwards). Please don't think this is abuse or manipulation in any way, but I know he can't stop himself, he can't control this mania... He can only stop after the deed is done so to speak.

I don't know what to do because NOBODY IS LISTENING TO US, to what he's going through, they're not believing us somehow no matter how much I try to explain everything!!!

I don't know if anyone can provide ANY advice. My husband tells me he doesn't know how much longer he can take it, he's afraid he'll really end up in a hospice for the severely mentally disabled. We think that major panic attack created a HUGE imbalance/problem with his brain. I don't know!!! The ADHD meds aren't doing much, the antidepressants are making things worse. I don't think he'll get better if he doesn't rest, but how can he if he's always up and CAN'T LIE/SIT DOWN for 10 mins??? The GP, psychiatrists etc ARE NOT LISTENING.

I need urgent help. My husband needs URGENT help and I can't provide it because I don't know what to do or how to help or who to turn to!

Thanks for any pointers or advice!

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